Dear Mr President Trump, Kaliningrad is not closed to tourism*
*With due deference given to the current coronavirus situation
Dear President Trump
I hope you will not mind me writing an open letter to you to advise you that the advice your adviser is giving you is the wrong advice.
I refer to the comment made by US National Security Adviser Robert O’Brien1 in which he condemns Kaliningrad as being a ‘closed military base’ and a ‘missed opportunity for Russia and Europe’, the latter reference being in terms of trade and tourism.
Whilst I do not pretend to have an in-depth knowledge of the trade situation, I can state, and quite categorically, that Kaliningrad is not, and has not been for as long as I can remember, closed to tourists. I have been visiting Kaliningrad for almost 20 years and during that time development in the tourist industry has progressed substantially and exponentially, to a point where not to visit Kaliningrad would indeed be a lost opportunity.
Kaliningrad, which, as I am sure you know, was before the Second World War Königsberg, offers considerable insight for people interested in military history, particularly, but not exclusively, with regard to WWII and the Cold War period. Although Königsberg suffered extensive damage in WWII, there are many monuments, excellent museums and various sites of military interest for visitors to see both within Kaliningrad and its surrounding region, including but not limited to the two concentric circles of fortresses constructed in the mid- to late-19th century for Königsberg’s defence, many of which are still intact.
Situated on the Baltic coast, Kaliningrad gives easy access to two former German spa towns, Cranz and Rauschen, now, respectively, Zelenogradsk and Svetlogorsk, both of which are attractive, atmospheric and thriving coastal resorts, and the once East Prussian landscape contains many hidden gems of both natural and historical interest.
You will no doubt be acquainted with the fact that the Kaliningrad region is the world’s most prolific amber-producing region. The city itself contains the world-famous Amber Museum, housed in one of the refurbished red-brick Gothic forts, and amber shops and markets abound in Kaliningrad and throughout the coastal resorts.
In addition to the natural beauty of the Baltic coast, the southern section of the Curonian Spit, a UNESCO World Heritage Site, lies within the Kaliningrad region. It is an ancient landmark, replete with natural and cultural features, which has been attracting, and continues to attract, many visitors year on year.
Kaliningrad itself is a thriving, bustling, modern city. Public transport is excellent, and the city is amply stocked with all manner of cafés, bars and restaurants, each one infused with its own unique character and diverse enough to cater for every conceivable taste.
The open status of Kaliningrad is further endorsed by the notable presence of the following hotels, each one of international stature: Radisson Hotel, Mercure Hotel, Ibis Hotel, Holiday Inn and so on.
If Kaliningrad was as closed as Mr O’Brien suggests, I think we can quite confidently assume that such leading hotel brands would be conspicuous for their absence.
Art and independent thinking flourishes in Kaliningrad where, as with Königsberg before it, talented people proliferate ~ artists, historians, writers, poets, architects et al continue the Königsbergian tradition of creative excellence and erudition established by the likes of Immanuel Kant, ETA Hoffmann, Friedrich Lahrs, Bruno and Max Taut, Sergey Snegov, Evgeny Grishkovets and many, many more.
Many people of various nationalities ~ German, French, Polish, Dutch and also some Americans ~ travel to Kaliningrad each year drawn to the city’s and the region’s cultural heritage.
For further evidence of Mr O’Brien’s lack of knowledge concerning the region, please go to Google and simply type ‘Kaliningrad’. There you will find all the information you need pertaining to Kaliningrad and its region as a tourist destination. My personal observations of life and tourism in and around Kaliningrad can be found at https://expatkaliningrad.com/
Oh, I almost forgot to mention that I am English. I moved to Kaliningrad more than a year ago, and I have only two regrets: (1) that I should have done so sooner; (2) coronavirus has closed my favourite bars (hopefully temporarily!).
If you ever have the chance to holiday in Kaliningrad, take it. I am sure that you will find it not only agreeable but also enlightening. So often truth eludes those whose opinions are poorly informed or compromised by prejudice.
Wishing you, your family and the people of your great nation, all the very best
How do you solve the problem of those who see anti-vaxxers as a problem?
Published: 28 May 2020
Sitting in the doctors waiting room, which I used to do quite a lot in England, I would see these messages popping up on the electronic notice board and their hardcopy equivalents: ‘Have you had your flu jab?’ I had not. And that was that. But then it never occurred to me, even though I am knocking on a bit, that the flu could prove fatal.
Then, in 2018, I experienced one of the worst respiratory illnesses that I have ever experienced. A doctor advised me that I might have pneumonia and recommended a chest x-ray. I ended up putting off the x-ray and settled for a drink instead. The illness cleared itself.
That’s me, I suppose, an indifferent and stubborn old c … character.
The Anti-vaxxer Problem Conspiracy
So, what about the as of yet mythical vaccine for Covid-19? According to my wife, who is slipping deeper everyday into the coma of conspiracy theories, as soon as a vaccine is announced I will be the first in line to drop my trousers, even though the vaccine jab will be administered in my arm.
She is wrong ~ wives always are. As with anything and everything to do with Covid-19, I shall adopt a ‘wait and see policy’. After all, Obama sat on the fence for the whole of his presidential tenure and everyone applauded him, so what was good enough for him is good enough for me!
In recent weeks it seems as if the focus on when will a vaccine be ready has shifted to when a vaccine is ready should I allow myself to be vaccinated, a realignment of faith brought about by the vagaries permeating almost every aspect of the pandemic from origin to outcome. It is, undoubtedly, this abstruseness that lends itself so readily to accusations of obfuscation from which the world of conspiracy is but a short leap.
As far as I can tell, almost all of the conspiracy theories orbiting in the coronavirus firmament eventually come to rest with a very rich and powerful man in the U.S. whom, in the minds of the conspiracy theorists, is inextricably linked with compulsory mass vaccination.
The Anti-vaxxer Problem Conspiracy
Conspiracy theorists have long been used to being put down as fruitcakes ~ and perhaps with good reason. Take, as an example, the terminology used in this recent article by The Guardian, *‘Europe’s Covid predicament – how do you solve a problem like the anti-vaxxers?’
‘Anti-vaxxers’? There is something overtly discrediting and tacky in this monica, is there not? At any rate, it hardly commands the same respect as counter vaccine protestors, or protestors against mass vaccination, or activists against vaccination, such being the kind of terminology that the liberal-leaning media traditionally reserves for street movements to which it gives the green light. But then, as with Brexit, something funny is going on and for them it is not ‘Ha! Ha!’.
The narrative goes that alarming new allegiance lines are being drawn on the strength of the mass vaccination conspiracy, so alarming that those liberals who identify themselves as activists against mass vaccination are being marginalised by their own kind as ‘esoteric hippies’ and ‘esoteric leftwingers’, and if this slight is not enough, there is the ultimate accusation that in making a stand against mass vaccination they are cuddling up to neo-Nazis. Some might argue that enforced mass vaccination is very much a Nazi-type of thing to do, but then I am no conspiracy theorist!
The esoteric problem of being a liberal Anti-vaxxer
The definition of ‘esoteric’ is ‘intended for or likely to be understood by only a small number of people’. The implication here being that unless you follow the flock you are no liberal! As for the reference to neo-Nazis, this is the old name and shame game, as well as being a convenient labelling ploy, ie the only people who are resisting mass vaccination are neo-Nazis; good people, nice people and proper liberals don’t do that ~ esoteric ones might, but not you!
Anywhere else, and this association by implication would have some clout but not as clouty as it does here: consider the city and country on which this article focuses and then say the word again (but to yourself, very quietly) ‘neo-Nazi’ and, before you close the window to keep out the chill, add Pegida to that vocabulary.
Pegida is, of course, resurrected in this article and, in the given context, turns out to be a most unfortunate choice of comparison: “fears of the movement [anti-vaxxers] growing into a force equivalent to the Pegida protests against Angela Merkel’s asylum policy seem to be shaping the thinking in Berlin’s seats of power.”
You see, the protests against Merkel’s asylum policy were not restricted to Pegida but very rapidly suffused the greater German populace, particularly after the act, when, despite the media’s best attempts to suppress both the calamity that resulted from it and the nation’s growing resentment to it, the protestations gained such traction that it levered support across the channel for Brexit, sent Merkel into media hiding and is arguably one of the most powerful contributing factors to the course of dissolution and wilful self-destruction on which the European Union seems to be set.
Reeling from the Brexit fallout, the waning popularity for almost all its leaders and institutions, fractured and fragmented by the clumsy and seemingly disinterested way in which it is has failed to assist its member states during the coronavirus crisis, a turmoil that has all but completely undermined any credibility it may once have had as a foundation for a United States of Europe, the entire EU project seems to be teetering on the brink.
Anti-who?
The usual means by which governments and their media handmaidens deal with conspiracy theorists is to ignore them, to deprive them of the oxygen of publicity. Think: when was the last time that you saw a head-on TV debate in which ministers, prime ministers, etc sat in a TV studio with a live audience of conspiracy theorists and addressed their fears?
Perhaps this is the best way, and possibly the best way to deal with the anti-vaxerrs is hands off. After all, anything less will expose the EU to allegations that the self-styled crucible of human rights and sovereign upholder of the tenets of liberalism is nothing but a sham.
There is a lot to be said for sitting on the fence. It might not get you the Nobel Peace Prize as it has for some, but the last thing that Germany needs in these discrediting times is for those in the seats of power to be seen to be rushing to change their underpants1 ~ conspiracy or no conspiracy.
MASS VACCINATION? HOW TRANSPARENT DO YOU NEED IT TO BE??
So, what are we to believe and how should we proceed?
Published: 25 May 2020
Now, what I suggest we all do is …
According to the world media we are in this coronavirus thing for the long haul. Time spans of 18 months to 2 years are being bandied around, during which we must adapt to the ‘New Normal’, continue to practise social distancing, self-isolate, limit movement, wear masks at all times and, above all, ‘stay alert’.
It is good news for antibody tests ~ they are available and, unlike the previous batch which cost the UK government millions, these actually work, but will you be able to get hold of one? Is a well-known chemist chain out to rip you off by selling these kits at extortionate prices? And what good are they anyway? Even if you have the antibodies does it mean you are immune? A great big impressive pharmaceutical company is gearing up to manufacture and supply the vaccine currently being researched in Oxford, but there is no guarantee that the vaccine will work and no guarantee, according to ‘the experts’, that we will ever find a vaccine.
The Confused World of Coronavirus
In the midst of all this scientific fog, the incidence of coronavirus is rising and the death count goes on, albeit, in some places, at a lower rate than before. But lockdown easing is underway. In England, there is talk of, and interesting rows about, schools re-opening, pubs and bars opening, hotels re-opening and, as long as you wear your mask ~ the efficacy of which has never really been proven ~ and keep six feet away from the pilot, you may soon be able to jet off to Europe and enjoy a post-first-wave coronavirus holiday ~ why not, if the second wave comes it may be your last?
In June, the UK population has been told that it will be testing, tracking and tracing, but at least one newspaper headline asks, ‘Will the government’s new app work?’ And there are over a million out of work, and lots of things that used to work, like pubs, are still not working? And no one seems to know whether masks work or not, although we are still advised to wear them, as we are also advised to go to work but stay at home at the same time, if at all possible.
Once upon a time, all we had to worry about was not inciting racial hatred, not inciting religious hatred, pretend that we celebrate LGBT (Large German Beer Tents), pay our BBC license fee, champion this and embrace that, count how many women are in the board room, subject historic dramas to politically correct revisionism and, and, and …
The Confused World of Coronavirus
It was all so simple, so clear cut then, but now!! The whole world has gone from a globally warmed up, globalist socially engineered immigration catastrophe to a … a… well, it’s like, you know, like, a modern version of Frankenstein’s monster (was he German?). But the New Normal, who is he? He has a biodegradable personality, a genetically modified sense of humour, challenging behaviour, is well past his sell by date and is clearly not fit for purpose.
None of us, not even the hysteria-generating UK press could ever imagine, not even in its wildest dreams, that Brexit would not only cause economic meltdown but the worst pandemic in living memory. Not only would Brexit ultimately divided Britain along a fault line the size of the Grand Canyon, with Leave on one side and Remain on the other, but would insidiously incubate an ‘unholy alliance’ between extreme right ringers (the bells! Oh, the bells!) and ‘esoteric liberals’ with one shared aim in mind, to form a worldwide Anti-Vax pact.
And all because Gill Bates and its gang wants to stick us in the arse with its great big globalist Vax Needle.
A retired scientist from Bedford says, “It’s all so confusing!”
Stay tuned to this channel folks, for more spine-chilling tales of the Vax Conspiracy. Can we stop them before it is too late!Can they stop us before it is too soon!
CLUELESS! The third in a trilogy of new exciting bored games from the maker’s John Wankerson, in association with World Health.
I think it was done in the meat market, with a revolting habit by Batman.
A whodunnit, what-are-we-going-to-do-about-it, ‘will it ever be the same again’ kind of game.
‘I think it’s going to be done to everyone with a vaccine plot by a conspiracy theorist’ ~ Gill Bates
CLUELESS, the game for governments, scientists, ministers, and disgraced health organizations that nobody would trust anymore with as much as a splinter in their arse, is in the shops now, but you can’t buy it as all the shops are shut. Black market copies are selling in deprived areas like hot cakes made by feminist career women locked down in kitchens, and the online auction site eBYGUM reports record sales in its China category.
I think it was done in the minds of the hapless public with the UK media by Penny Dreadful.
Social distancing friendly, the 2×2 metre board conforms perfectly with the new post-lockdown workplace rules. When not in use it can be used as an office screen and played vertically.
“Clueless: It’s the game for people who can’t spell useless but really are” ~ The Daily Marrow
It’s the game that everybody’s talking about, but nobody can hear because their masks are too tight or they are wearing them over their ears. It’s the game that brings people together whilst keeping them apart. It’s the game for people on the game who are game for anything but won’t play the game. It’s the game which rhymes with something like BLAME with all L let loose.
I think it was done in Skegness with flouting the rules by Richard Head.
I think it will be over and done with, with no guarantees and conflicting information by the time the Earth freezes over.
Diary of a Self-isolator: Day 65 [23 May 2020] ~ Trenches & Trees
Published: 23 May 2020
Unlike in the UK at present, there is no sudden uplift in the weather, nothing to tempt and entice one to cast caution to the wind and go wassailing off to the coast, but we were blessed with a gradual hike in temperature, somewhere around 15 degrees, and this blessing, together with a light breeze in association with Mr Blue Sky and a sun that had its hat on at last, were altogether alluring enough to winkle me out of self-isolation for the novel pleasure of stretching my legs.
As part of our exit strategy, we first had to run the gauntlet of passing without mishap from our garden to the road beyond. For the past three to four weeks, our house, and those in the immediate vicinity, have been subject to what I have christened in my diary ‘trench warfare’.
The Trenchmen cometh … I can’t help thinking that we would have been better laying that new block paving later …
Cable-laying has been going on, and a narrow but deep trench, deep enough to dislocate or break should a wrong step occur, dissects the pavement at the front of our abode and at right angles to it, extending along the neighbours’ boundary to the gate at the end of the cul-de-sac, behind which sits a very large dog.
From the vantage point of my bedroom window I have been able to observe (intermittently, you understand, as self-isolation has not left me wanting in occupations of an interesting kind) this work in progress and to chalk up the differences between how a job of this nature is handled in Kaliningrad compared with its UK equivalent.
From the outset, and for most of the work period, the construction crew consisted of three lads and a young woman, armed with a couple of spades, shovels and a wheelbarrow. The young blokes did most of the digging whilst the young woman, with her workman’s gloves tucked professionally in her back pocket, appeared to have an overseeing role, an inference corroborated later when a clipboard appeared in her hand, but praise where praise is due: at one stage in the game, she too rolled up her sleeves and took a turn on the shovel.
Considering that there were at maximum four workers armed with nothing more mechanical than their arms, they did pretty well. Weather conditions ~ lots of rain ~ were unsympathetic, but after a week’s hiatus the original band was joined by a veritable armada of labourers, who were not only trenchers but also there to lay the cables which, as with the aggregate, had been dropped off on the central island ~ a grassed oval section of land in the middle of the thoroughfare overlaying a German bunker built in World War II.
The temptation to go off at a tangent at this juncture and elaborate on the many surviving monuments to WWII that exist in Kaliningrad and the surrounding region is difficult to resist, but as global tourism has yet some way to go before it can get off of the back foot of coronavirus, I will focus for now on my outing.
Green & cobbled streets of Kaliningrad
We had crossed the trench and this accomplished were now walking along the original cobbled streets of Königsberg. Victor Ryabinin, the artist and historian, had assured us that ‘green’ Königsberg was a myth. Königsberg, at least the oldest parts of the city, was never green. The streets were narrow, the buildings high and brickwork and cobbles had been the order of the day. The outlying districts, the suburbs laid down in the early 20th century and developed in the 1920s through to the mid-30s, had been designed with green in mind. The houses and the plots on which they stand have their equivalent in England’s 1920s’ suburbs, where homes were sold on the back of the catchy and appealing advertising slogan, ‘A country home in the city’, or words to that effect. Every home in these outlying districts had a small front garden with a larger plot at the back, and on the streets where these airy new houses stood trees lined either side augmented, where space allowed, with a neat grass verge between the pavement and the road.
Nevertheless, as photographs and postcards testify, though most of the streets in Königsberg’s expansion districts were avenued with trees, they were, of course, saplings, newly planted. In their day, they would have formed graceful vistas but with nothing like the leaf foliage that adorn those selfsame trees now that they are mature.
You see, this is what happens when you self-isolate: everything, every simple detail, every once commonplace and taken-for-granted minutiae undergoes an amplification process, so acutely rendered to senses locked indoors that before you can safely say facemask you cannot see the wood from the trees ~ or, in my particular case, the trees from Kaliningrad’s leaves.
No matter; we had now crossed the road, just in front of that peculiar waterside café, that abandoned monstrosity which, with its fake lighthouse, Captain Ahab perched on the roof doing something over the side and a lot of marine-like crustaceans daubed upon the walls, resembles something sneaked into Russia from an amusement park in Skegness.
I have seen postcard photographs of the building that stood here originally. Admittedly, it, as with the lake and everything around it, was monochrome ~ they obviously did not experience bright sunny days in the early 20th century ~ but even though the world then was black and white (as things used to be black and white before coronavirus) the Konigsberg building had all the ennobling features bestowed by Gothicity and was, in its setting, a sight for sore eyes rather than a sore sight for tearful eyes, which is as good as it gets today.
Across Kaliningrad’s lakes (ponds)
Kaliningrad a Green City
Passing quickly by this ‘thing’, we wended our way, more happily now that it was behind us, along the block-paved path that runs around the lake perimeter. Old photographs show that the lakeside (apologies purists, I mean, of course, pond sides) had banks well stocked with natural vegetation, and trees abounded plentiful. In a black and white world some details are lost ~ atmosphere reigns supreme, but some details are lost ~ but in the photographs that I have seen of this area, it appears as if a small winding pathway, most probably gravel surfaced, curled through the trees at the edge of the lake in the early 1900s. This track has subsequently been lost, replaced through a gentrification process by block paving typical both in colour and character of 21st century urban design. Much of the original foliage, by that I mean the wild and natural, has been dug out and substituted with mown greens and municipal flowerbeds, but although block paving in all its imaginative shapes, patterns and sizes, along with children’s’ play parks, public lavs, and even an exercise quadrangle has colonised what used to be, the Königsberg trees that line the side of the road and the odd gnarled or venerable specimen dotted amongst the newer plantations, some Soviet others millennial, contribute in this neck of Königsberg’s woods to Kaliningrad’s attribution of being a very green city.
As much as I was enjoying and being distracted by that which I am phenomenally good at ~ mental rambling ~ we were on a mission, and this meant putting my tree-hugging propensity on hold and focusing for a moment on finding a wall with graffiti on. Not that this endeavour would be difficult in Kaliningrad. Sadly, graffiti is another of those unwanted imports that has made its way from the West.
Mick Hart with Anthony Hopkins in Kaliningrad
The graffiti we were looking for, however, was not one of your run of the mill deface, vandalise, degrade and then aggrandize as ‘urban art’ jobs, it was truly an original piece, a real work of art, featuring none other than Anthony Hopkins in his role as Hannibal Lecter ~ but more of that on another occasion. We found what we were looking for, and my wife made good with the camera.
There is graffiti and graffiti … Mine’s a vegetarian
“For old times’ sake,” that’s what my wife called it. I wondered what she was asking me?
She wanted us to walk closer to the lake, taking in Flame restaurant as we did so. The ‘old times sake’ was a reference to recent history, which, in the New Normal, is as lost to the world as dinosaurs. Aahh those glorious days ~ so happy and carefree ~ when we would walk to Flame on an afternoon or evening for a meal and a pint of brew. What had become of them and will they ever return?
Like every other pub/bar victim of coronavirus, there stood Flame, dark and extinguished. However, a nice touch, and a reassuring one, was that in keeping with its tradition Flame, although closed to the public, continued to play music through an external speaker system situated on its alfresco area. It was more like an overture of hope than the band playing on as the Titanic hit the watery skids.
Now that the shops ~ some of the shops ~ had officially opened their doors again, we had a small errand to do. As we crossed the road from the lake, emerging at the side of Flame, it was evident that whilst we had been hibernating Kaliningrad’s construction workers had not: the new shopping centre at the end of the city market had gone from being a shell of incomplete concrete pieces and knotted wire to a three or four-storey series of profiled platforms. Ordinarily, back in the days of the old normal, something like this seen on a day-to-day basis would have excited little more than a passing glance, but incarceration, whether self-imposed or not, has a sharpening effect on the mind, so much so that in looking on this building, at its Phoenix-like transformation, I felt a kindred spirit in Rip Van Winkle at the moment of his awakening.
Errand done, we set off on our homeward journey not by retracing our steps ~ I think having to pass Flame again would be more than the drinker in me could stand ~ but with a view towards returning on the opposite side of the lake. This route took us to the busy crossing in front of yet another landmark bar, the one housed in the historic Rossgarten Gate ~ CLOSED!
Luckily, by way of distraction, on the opposite side of the road, on one of Kaliningrad’s large, open WWII monument squares, I saw a man with his hose in his hand. He was leaning nonchalantly from his truck window, playing his hose over some of the prettiest city flower beds that you could possibly imagine. “Hmm,” I thought, “It’s not only the bars that are dry.”
A lovely day on which to have your hose out
Kaliningrad a Green City
Our walk back around the lake was a pleasant detour. There is only so much of novelty in strolling back and forth day and weeks upon end from your kitchen to the living room, and, let’s face it, though unarguably indispensable, the twin water features of bath and bog hardly compete or come close to the natural scenerific beauty imparted by rippling lake under a clear blue sky. And you can be sure that, as on the other side of the lake, there were trees in abundance here and in such variety and of different ages that I amused my obsession for the past for a while in attempting to determine which of the trees had been planted in Soviet times and which belonged to Königsberg.
The wise old trees of Königsberg-Kaliningrad
Trees, lakes, shopping centres rising from out of the ground like mysterious midnight mushrooms, men with their hoses dangling quaintly out of truck windows, a light breeze, a blue sky and off to the shop to buy some tomatoes. Very nearly back home, just now the trenches to cross.
The day after I posted my lastDiary of a Self-isolatorarticle on the coronavirus situation, wearing a mask in public places, including on the street, became part of what the Brits would call ‘The New Normal’ here in Russia’s Kaliningrad region. +An online news report predicted today that the mask regime would be ‘with us for a long time’, which is bad news for those of us who have difficulty in wearing them. Nevertheless, rules are rules and when we went shopping on Sunday we emerged on the street looking like a pair of dentists hunting down an escaped patient, or, possibly, a pair of escaped dentists wanted for mask wearing when it did not really suit us.
In the short walk from our house to the small, but diversely stocked, shopping precinct at the end of the road, I idled away my new-found inability to breathe very well by playing ‘spot the masks in Kaliningrad’.
Now, I am not one to tell tales out of school, but in my estimation I would say there was a 50:50 split on those conforming to the new mask-wearing rule and those who could not, but, moving swiftly on ~ and my word don’t we, these days ~ I turned my face-covered attention to the kind of masks that people were wearing in an attempt to define which type of mask was the Kaliningradian’s mask of choice.
Mick Hart and his wife, Olga, were wearing the lightweight, light-blue coloured thin cotton masks of pleated design, as worn widely by members of the medical profession. Please be assured that this is no endorsement of their efficacy, and neither is it intended to be. The problem inherent in universal mask-wearing is that it does not take long before demand outstrips supply, restricting personal choice to availability rather than comfort-fit or cosmetics.
This factor would account for the swerving variation in masks evident, but a nervous breakdown (that is to say, a breakdown made nervously as I stood in the street observing) enabled me to categorise mask-type together with wearing incidence thus:
Incidence of mask-wearing:
Lightweight, blue pleated masks: 20%
Thick linen black masks: 60%
Homemade masks: 1%
Standard builder’s dust masks: 12%
Superior builder’s dust masks: 7%
Wearing of masks by type
Proper job ~ over mouth and nose: 40%
Loose and baggy like an old pair of pants (please note the use of the word like): 5%
Nose poking out over the top: 5%
Clipped under the chin ready for erection on sight of authorities: 50%
Covid-19 Mask Parade
It was whilst I was standing outside the chemists in a mask-observant mood that, making allowances for the different types of mask identified here, I wondered how long it would be, taking into account that enforced mask-wearing was not likely to go away anytime soon, some budding entrepreneur would cash in and clean up on the market for novelty masks. Who would be the first, I pondered, to register The Novelty Mask Emporium, a company devoted to the design, production and distribution of imaginatively made masks, three or four different types mass produced and styled in such a way as to steer your mind away from the serious reason for wearing them.
For example, for the animal lovers you could have one shaped like a cats face with a long pair of whiskers sticking out on either side; for the ‘life on the ocean waves’ brigade, one shaped like the bow of a boat with some waves painted around the chin piece; and for those who have benefitted from too much plastic surgery and/or Botox one designed like the back of a bus.
You could design the masks in series, and make a ‘guess who’ or ‘guess what’ game of it. For example, you could have the ‘Famous Faces Series’, a mask limited to the mouth and nose of famous people, such as the mouth and nose of Boris Johnson, Donald Trump or, for those with long memories, Tom Jones. To appeal to and capture the errant youth market, you would do far worse than have a series of features built around rappers and hip-hoppers. Each mask could come complete with a free, imitation chunky gold necklace and you could call the series ‘Innit’. There really is no end to the possibilities; the sky’s the limit ~ a mask decorated with craters like the moon, which turn out to be potholes in a road near Scunthorpe, just to appease the conspiracy theorists. Rude masks would be very much in demand, especially in the UK, and masks of Obama’s bum, for example, or shaped like genitalia would be bound to command high prices.
At the other end of the market, above the belt line and sold exclusively in places like Bond Street and London’s Saville Row, upmarket clientele could eschew the off-the-peg option for a tailor-made mask, personally designed according to their own design criteria and made to measure to fit one’s facial contours.
Covid-19 Mask Parade
The biggest bucks lie in one of two directions: (1) Designing a novelty mask and getting it wrapped around the kisser of some celeb or other, particularly one which will appeal to the open credit card mentality of the young; (2) Having your mask operation endorsed by Royal Warrant, ie Mask Suppliers to Her Majesty the Queen of England or Chancellor Merkel of Germany (not quite sure about the latter).
For those of us who are good with our hands and have not yet been arrested for it, the homemade customised option could very well lead to an international coronavirus mask competition, similar in form and cornicity to the long-running out-of-steam Eurovision Song Contest or EU Pong Contest (this one has always smelt a bit fishy). For inspiration, ‘make do and mend’ mask artists would be advised to seek inspiration from the saviours of America ~ no, definitely not the Hilary Clinton mask ~ I mean those worn by comic strip superheroes ~Batman, Spiderman, Bat-Other, Spider-It et al.
For lovers of the Golden Days of Hollywood, there’s your Lone Ranger and Mask of Zorro. OK their masks were just pieces of paper with eye holes cut into them, specifically designed so that when worn even people who have never met you before will recognise you instantly, but they are just as good as any mask if you only wear them under your chin.
We won’t go into the other kinds of mask available as we run the risk of straying inadvertently into the realm of bank heists and BDSM parties (mainly dungeon oriented now on account of the 2 metre distancing rule ~ see my article on Copulating with Coronavirus whilst observing the 2 metre rule [by the way, claiming that the metric system confuses you, as you thought that 2 metres is the same as 2 inches is no defence, and anything else is just boasting].
If you want a lover I’ll do anything you ask me to And if you want another kind of love I’ll wear a mask for you
~ Leonard Cohen
From a personal standpoint, which is a masculine one with no hands on hips allowed, for the well-turned out gentleman, the gentleman of taste and decorum, there is the all-important question of how to wear a mask and still maintain one’s sartorial elegance.
No matter how assertively the mask argument is made in the interests of self-preservation, one is forced to acknowledge that a piece of cloth or moulded chunk of white synthetic material resembling a polystyrene burger box planted on your face is by no means a flattering accessory to either member of sex ~ or the many things in between. And when you have a certain je ne sais quoi reputation concerning standards and manner of dress, well, I ask you, wearing a mask indeed!
In conclusion (or even collusion)
The benefits and disadvantages of wearing a mask in the new Coronavirus Age is one of those hotly debated issues which, like mediocre pop music does not look likely to be resolved in the short-to-medium term, but as Hope Not Hate, who have never got it right, might say, masks come in all shapes and sizes, they do not have to be homogeneous. Masks can be as diverse as fantasy, multicoloured or as black as your hat. Just open the borders of your mind ~ make them gay and wear them with pride.
Mick Hart, Kaliningrad, with matching Covid-19 mask & cravat ~ a must for this summer!
Just because you have to wear a mask does not mean that you have to sacrifice style!
Please note that this article is not affiliated in any way to the coronavirus-shaped masks that are being sold by Bad Joke Inc.
When I heard about the anti-lockdown demonstrations, I breathed a sigh of relief. It had been worrying me lately. Brexit had kept the professional demonstrators going for about three years, but with nothing left to rail against what were they up to now? Then along came the virus and with it lockdown, and hey presto the perfect excuse to get out there on the streets again.
I never thought of checking the YouTube videos to ascertain whether lockdown, against which the demonstrators were demonstrating, had enabled them to produce better quality banners. So often it is the case that so-called activist banners lack the professional look which could conceivably lend more credibility to the stated reason for their day out: rickety old pieces of hardboard with daubed-on slogans that don’t fit and are hard to read on film, let alone in the streets amidst all the cat-awailing and jostling, lacks kudos, don’t you think? Surely, with all this time on their hands the vociferous throng could bless us with something better than the usual substandard fare. These atrocious banners look as if they’ve been knocked up on a university campus by students who feel left out for having not lived through the classic era of great demonstrations, the 1960s, or by people who supposedly have lots of time on their hands and could perhaps have used it more sensibly by learning how to letter-space.
But who cares? The beauty of the anti-lockdown angst is that you can conveniently hang it on the human rights’ hook. BREXIT was OK on this account as well, in that the antis could accuse Brexiteers of being racist for wanting to take back control of the UK’s borders. But there is nothing quite as human rights violationist as the concept and implementation of something called ‘lockdown’, even if that something is devised for your own good. If the government had been smart, it would have called lockdown ‘home-leave’ or, even better, ‘home-benefits’ and legalised cannabis whilst it was at it.
But it didn’t, and now we are having to put up with news reports claiming that Boris has divided the cabinet and nation. Whilst I am not sure what he is doing in his cabinet, I am positive that the nation has been divided for years, between those who wish to preserve their way of life and those who seek to pervert it, so why should Boris get all the credit?
UK Anti-Lockdowners Embrace Division
Journalists often use this phrase ‘divided the nation’ as if there is a clear-cut division, when, in fact, the nation is divided into many clusters, and has been since the mass importation of different cultures, all of which have different objectives and markedly different allegiances.
The media claimed that Brexit had divided the country and at the fundamental level this is true. The simple division was between those who wanted to leave the EU and those who wanted to remain. But the media also claimed that the new divide had replaced the old left vs right paradigm. To a certain extent this was true as well, as in the last Brexit-fought election Labour suffered the hitherto unprecedented humiliation of being wiped out in its northern heartland.
But if you ignore the demographics and focus instead on the ideological composition of who wanted to remain in the EU as opposed to who wanted out, you will find without a shadow of a doubt that the remain camp had an overwhelmingly left subscription.
Although the argument against Brexit was packaged as an economic one, as if everyone on the left had suddenly become accountants, the real motivation lay in the fear, and it was a credible fear, that since the EU is the powerhouse of liberal-left ideology, should the UK pull the plug, especially on the EU’s biased legal apparatus, ie the European Court of Human Rights et al, the arsenal upon which the liberal-left depends for its ideological blitz against sovereignty patriots would be lost.
UK Anti-Lockdowners Embrace Division
So, taking this into consideration, how does the coronavirus lockdown division stack up?
Well, when you read the coverage in the *Independent and read stuff quoted from banners like, ‘I will not be masked, tracked, chipped or vaccinated … This will not be my new normal. I do not consent’ [thank you Patrick McGoohan] and read (quote) ‘Two women walked through the crowd wafting incense, while another insistently gave out copies of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights,’ you hardly need a second opinion; besides, whose politics are the politics of the street? Oh, and by the way, among the small demonstration (about 100 people in all) gathered at London’s Hyde Park was Jeremy Corbyn’s brother.
However, the waters have been muddied a little. On 27 April 2020, **The Guardian ran an article which seemed to suggest that it is those on the right of the political divide that eschew lockdown, shortly after which the TUC saddled a high-horse about easing lockdown and teacher’s unions followed suit, becoming ever more bellicose about the government’s ‘reckless’ plans for easing lockdown. And if you look you will no doubt find that there are other media pieces that run counter to the argument that all liberals denounce lockdown as a violation of their sacred human rights. Indeed, there as many people across the political spectrum who want to stay barricaded in their houses as there are those who want out.
If the waters are muddy because of this, then the real sewage starts when we rake the bottom of the social media barrel, at which level can be found cloud upon cloud of conspiracy theories. The peddlers of such theories and their adherents cannot quite make up their collective dread whether the powers that be are in it together to keep us locked in or to force us out, and this is where you have to admit that being in charge (we won’t say control) of any country at this point in time is an absolute bummer, as you are bummed if you do and bummed if you don’t ~ so to speak.
If as the leader of a country you and your government lean towards a lockdown and social distancing policy, it’s ‘call me George Orwell’, but if you look for an ‘exit strategy’ and ways of ‘easing lockdown’, as if you have a magic laxative for the constipated state that coronavirus has imposed on us, you can rest assured of being accused of putting economy first and people last.
Here, on my personal Home Front, sadly my wife tends to stumble every other day into the conspiracy-theory camp. She has moments, funny turns I call them, when she cannot stop sending me links by email to back up all sorts of esoteric theories, which I chuck right out like yesterday’s demonstration banners.
Mark my words and make no mistake: ‘If you go looking for it, you’ll find it!’
Now where did I put that vodka bottle?
It’s nothing to do with leaving the sinking ship! Let me in, I want to come out!
Anti-Lockdown Contract (or a Modest Proposal) Those that protest lockdown, do not want to self-isolate and persist in flouting the social-distancing rules should be allowed to do so provided they sign a contract or be placed on a national register, with the understanding that in the event that they contract Covid-19 the health service reserves the right to refuse them treatment, thereby reducing the risk of overwhelming the health service with their presence, leaving beds and other resources free for those who respect the rule of law, and by doing so endorse respect for doctors, nurses and other healthcare workers who risk their lives on a daily basis on the coronavirus frontline.
Saying sorry all the time, whatever the situation and mostly when it is not necessary is an occupational hazard of being British ~ legacy British that is. It is like a virus (sorry!). We fail to open a door for someone: ‘Sorry!’; We pass by someone in a confined space: ‘Sorry!’; Someone says “excuse me”: ‘Sorry!’. We are forever saying sorry, even when we have nothing to be sorry for, except for feeling sorry for repeatedly saying ‘sorry’.
On a one-to-one basis this repetitive impediment warrants no further investigation than to apologise for it, but the words ‘warrant’ and ‘investigation’, two words which are almost always sorry-affiliated, invoke the question of what happens when saying ‘sorry’ becomes a matter of corporate policy, so rigorously underpinned and robustly enforced in an organisations Code of Practice that the organisation can no longer function efficiently?
The endemicity of this peculiarly British disease is so virulent, particularly as it relates to certain sections of the British establishment, that political commentators have dubbed it Institutional Sorryism.
Take the British Police Force, for example, which is accused of almost every institutionalism going. No matter what it does and how it does it, British plod, both at institutional and on a personal level, is constantly forced to apologise (is that what the ‘Force’ in ‘British Police Force’ means?)
SORRY ABOUT THIS HELMET!
The most recent case of sorryitis concerns the misapplication of police powers under the new Coronavirus Act, the emergency laws introduced to enforce restrictions to limit movement. Apparently, enshrined in these laws is the lawful whisking off of people whom the police suspect are infected with Covid-19, the art, science and inherent flaws of which have led to at least one legal beagle condemning such acts as ‘shocking’ and denouncing our boys in blue for ‘over-zealous policing’. Now, if you are one of many hapless Britons who have suffered to have been mugged, have your car broken into and/or been burgled, you may be wondering what exactly ‘over-zealous policing’ is, but that is because apprehension like ‘shocking’ is reserved almost exclusively these days for human rights infringements, and yes, indeed, you’ve got it, the shocking in this instance is human rights related and the person being shocked a human rights lawyer.
Sorry for the over-zealous policing
Such ‘over-zealous policing’, the likes of which has not been seen since the days when stop and search was so effective, way back when before London acquired the dubious distinction of being the stab-fest capital of the world, has led to dozens of wrong convictions being quashed for which the police have duly apologised.
I’m sorry (saying sorry is so infectious! ~ er, sorry for using the word infectious), but what is not clear from these newspaper reports is where the wrongfully arrested were arrested? I am assuming that the police did not bust into people’s private bedrooms Sweeney style, guns drawn and polyester flared trousers sparking, shouting, “I am arresting you under the Emergency Covid-19 Act on suspicion of the illegal possession and distribution of coronavirus in contravention of the fact that even the world’s top scientists cannot agree on the symptoms”.
Even allowing for the mitigating plea of asymptomatica, I think we can presume that the arrests occurred in public places and as the arrestees were most likely contravening the social distancing rules, ie there was more than two people present, surely it would have been better to arrest them for that. But then what do I know? Sorry (there I go again), I am making about as much sense as a human rights’ lawyer. Sorry.
But even arresting people who are that unvanilla in their social intercourse preferences that they simply cannot kick the habit of indulging in threesomes or moresomes is not as straightforward as logic postulates and is certainly no excuse for not saying sorry.
A sorry State of affairs
I am fairly sure that I read somewhere, but I apologise if I didn’t, that 187 people were recently charged under the regulations that restrict movement and which prescribe that two’s company but three’s an illegal crowd. It turned out, however, that 12 of them were wrongly charged! Does this mean that the arresting officers did not have their specs on or that they thought they were arresting a group but it was, in fact, one man with a fat lady?
Whatever the excuse, it’s not good enough! We may be in the midst of a pandemic, the worst the world has encountered for over a century, but we will continue to gather socially in spite of laws made for our own protection, and should we be arrested we will accuse the police of all sorts of things (especially human right’s violations) and then demand an apology!
All this may be very satisfying for those who run around bleating ‘our police, police by consent’ but rather irksome for the police themselves as it so obviously undermines their authority and the ability to do their job (I don’t mean arresting people wrongly, but apologising abjectly), and we could hazard a not uncharitable guess that there are a lot of numpty heads out there who see this as a weakness just ripe for exploitation. The best example of this, and the silliest, was at a so-called lockdown celebration (sorry, I meant demonstration) when on being advised of his arrest the gentleman concerned, apart from shouting [police] ‘violence’, where there was not any, declared ‘I do not consent to my arrest’.
“He’aint dun nuthin’”, some female orator shouts.
“Well he should have done!” ~ where’s John Wayne when you need him?
At least someone could have issued an apology to someone!
Didn’t anybody have a template Sorry note among them?
A sorry police force
Compulsive Sorry Disorder is another virus, older than corona, that is running rampant in the UK. Its source is a litigious society in copulation with Over Accountability Syndrome, and no institution is ravished more by this perversion than our good old British Police Force.
Institutionalised Sorryism is making our police sound like a boy scout leader who has been caught doing something that he should not be doing in today’s society, such as being heterosexual, or a doctor to whom you have presented with an earache and he’s immediately asked you to drop your trousers.
We really do need to nip this apologising malarkey in the bud or, failing that, rename the Police Force the Polite Force.
I don’t pretend to know what it was Elton was doing, or what he was thinking of, when he wrote that song, Sorry seems to be the hardest word. Whatever it was he should have asked a policeman.
It isn’t rocket science ~ it’s worse! The New Normal is The Totally Abnormal which is nothing like The Old Normal which once was just Normal but hasn’t been normal since Social Engineering. Think of it as Virtual Normality.
This article, which I am sure was titled a week ago ‘The New Normal’ is now ‘new measures’, which just goes to show how quickly The New Normal can mutate, a bit like … (sorry!)
Let’s look at what The New Normal (sorry ~ sorry for apologising; I’m beginning to sound like the UK police force or UK Police Forced {ie, as in forced into apologising}).
Let’s look at some of the salient points of the ‘new measures’* and see what we can make of them “Yippee, I’ve made a face mask out of it!”:
The New Normal
“Can I meet friends and relatives?”
Answer: Sadly, yes. But you can still be anti-social, as the rules state that you must keep 2 metres apart, which is bad news for the incestuous.
“The government has said it will impose higher fines for people who break social distancing rules.”
Note: But don’t worry, the police will no doubt be accused of fining you wrongly and nothing less than a written apology looks good in a frame on your living-room wall.
“Can I exercise more?”
A: You are probably hoping that the answer to this is no. But don’t worry, it’s so complicated that you couldn’t find a better excuse for not exercising at all, except, of course, for lockdown.
“Activities such as golf, angling and tennis are permitted, but only alone …”
Note: The idea of angling alone is absurd.
“If you do exercise with someone you don’t live with, remember social distancing rules still apply.”
Note: This is particularly important if the ‘someone you don’t live with’ is a euphemism along with ‘exercise’.
“Households are also able to drive to other destinations in England – such as parks and beaches. But they should not travel to Wales …”
Note: Phheeww, well that’s good news.
“Should I go back to my workplace and how will I get there?”
A: If your workplace has moved and you haven’t been told where, then you can safely assume that your employers are trying to tell you something.
“But the government says those who can’t work from home should travel to their work if it is open.”
A: And if it is not?
“What if I go into other people’s homes to work?”
A: If you are a career burglar the rules state that you should wear gloves as well a face mask.
“Can I move home?”
A: In theory yes, but you had better hurry up about it as estate agents are telling everyone that a housing crash is on its way. Strange that?
“Anyone who has already bought a new home can visit it to prepare it for moving in.”
Note: The opposite to this would be hard to get your head around.
“What about childminders, nannies and nurseries?”
A: Exactly!
“When will schools and universities return?”
A: To how they used to be before the other virus, the social one ~ which began shortly after WWII? Possibly never. It’s a controversial issue, but don’t worry you can bet that the Teacher’s Unions will make it simpler.
“Meanwhile, there is uncertainty over whether students will be able to go to university in person …”
Note: For many, this should improve their exam grades no end.
When can I go High Street shopping again?
A: It’s a difficult one, but when you understand when you can, then you can.
What about hairdressers, pubs and cafes?
A: Another difficult question to answer. And one to ponder on with unkempt hair, cheap plonk from Lidl’s and no full English breakfast.
What about flying into and out of the UK?
A: The question that makes self-isolating, lockdown, social distancing, wearing masks, staying alert and new normal irrelevant “. A two-week quarantine period for people arriving in the UK will be introduced.” (But nobody is saying when). “People from The Republic of Ireland and France will be exempt”. (Ahh, so they obviously haven’t got the virus). “If international travellers cannot say where they plan to self-isolate for 14 days, they will have to do so in accommodation arranged by the government.” (I see a ‘Rights’ problem brewing). “The trade body Airlines UK says the introduction of a quarantine-period would, in effect, ‘kill air travel’.” (R.I.P.). “All passengers are advised to remain 2m (6ft) apart wherever possible.” “Heathrow boss John Holland-Kaye says social distancing at airports is ‘physically impossible’. EasyJet has said it plans to leave middle seats empty, but Ryanair boss Michael O’Leary says this would be ‘idiotic’.” (An insane scream off stage …).
Coming soon, my next articles: How to kick the flying habit and save the world and Avoid beauty spots by going to Heacham or Skegness
Note: The information and opinions contained in this article ‘How to tell the new normal from your elbow’ are no substitute for commonsense. For information about What to Do & How to Go About It, consult government guidelines.
Out in autumn 2020, or possibly sooner, such as the end of the world, is EXIT STRATEGY.
Not getting out enough? Then you need EXIT STRATEGY, one in a trilogy of games* by John Wankerson.
EXIT STRATEGY, a game of bluff, double-bluff, red-herrings and meat from a dubious source, has been described by The Onguardianism as ‘The Paradox of the century!’ It is a game of skill and confusion in which players pit themselves against liberal journalists who cannot seem to quite make up their mind if the social distancing rules are the start of a police state, an excuse for the police to overstretch themselves or a plot to become a mardy fascist whilst sitting at home in the armchair. The Indefensable confesses that EXIT STRATEGY is ‘the most consummate piece of obscurantism’ it has ever encountered since it redefined the word ‘independent’.
The rules are that there aren’t any. The object of the game is for somebody to find out what the object really is whilst flying around the games table in ever decreasing circles until you disappear up your own mask.
The winner is the first player to EXIT without wearing a pair of panties on two suspension loops over his ears* (patent applied for).
Whether you are a lard-arse who has overdone the comfort eating whilst self-isolating and are now wondering how you are going to get through the front door, a prime minister who secretly wishes he had been voted into office at any other time than this, a Scottish fish with a hatchet face who is ‘testing, tracing, isolating and supporting’ for no other reason than that it sounds good and because no one is in the least bit interested in a referendum anymore, a social distancing marshall ensuring everyone keeps at least 2 metres away from each other in an office 1 metre wide ~ and on the 12th floor ~ EXIT STRATEGY is the game for somebody else!
