Архив автора: Captain Codpiece

Königsberg Offensive Revisited

Königsberg 9 April 1945 / Kaliningrad 9 April 2020

Published: 12 April 2020

10:30pm: As tired as I am, and I am, I had to write this. In about one and a half hours from now, Otto Lasch, Commandant of Königsberg, sitting in his command bunker at the heart of Kaliningrad, will sign a document the contents of which will change the course of history here forever.

By now he must have been agonising over whether to give the surrender order or not, particularly since Herr Hitler had strictly forbidden him to do so and knowing that whilst further resistance was futile the grim alternative was to hand himself and what was left of his army over to the Soviets, from whom he could expect very little leniency and possibly even less humanity.

This haunting train of thought was set in motion by a chance comment from my wife, Olga, this morning, who happened to mention that today, 9 April, was the last day of the Königsberg Offensive (WWII).

I had other things planned for today, but, thought I, perhaps I should put something together for my blog to acknowledge the historic significance that today’s date has to Königsberg’s demise and Kaliningrad’s existence.

At first, I was not sure what form the essay would take and mulled various options, some quite elaborate, too elaborate. I could write, for example, from the perspective of a time traveller, which would allow me to write a dramatic account and, as a shadowy figure from the future, flit about at will from one location to another over the four-day period that the assault took place. Or, I could write the piece as if I was an on-the-spot reporter, using short, dramatic and punchy sentences (why, now that would be a change!). But what decided against these novelties was time and the need to gen up on the historical facts first. If I wanted the article to be posted on my blog by the end of the day, I would have to read, digest, select, condense and then write.

The form which my modest contribution to this awesome day took in the life and death of Kaliningrad and Königsberg respectively, worked itself out whilst I was taking notes from my readings. After all, I would be content, for the time being, to precis the salient points from the four-day invasion and epilogue it with a time-travelling postscript, enunciating the contrast between this warm, sunny and relaxing day of 9 April 2020 with the noise, mayhem, pandemonium, pain, suffering, horror, fear, bloodshed and death which characterised today’s date 75 years previously.

Königsberg Offensive revisited

In the course of compiling this little work, my research tripped the switch, and, short-circuited emotionally, my imagination stole off to do some unauthorised time travelling of its own.

Apart from odd air raids by the Soviet Air Force, the real terror and horror of war began for Königsbergians in the August of 1944, when two consecutive nights of heavy bombing orchestrated by the RAF blew the guts out of the city. Why it had not occurred to me before I do not know, but the occupants of Königsberg, those who had not been blown to pieces, crushed to death or incinerated in the allied air attacks, would have eight months more of waiting, watching and fearing to do before their worst fears were to be realised.

Königsberg Offensive Revisited. Königsberg in ruins. — *Königsberg in ruins as a result of Allied bombing. (Photo credit: Dylan Mohan Gray. (Public Domain*))

As now, with the coronavirus scare, there must have been the usual suspects who were in denial or just plain blasé, but for the realists one can only imagine how the months, weeks, days, hours, minutes and seconds passed as they waited and watched for Hell to announce itself.

Königsberg 6 April 1945

Having sneaked off on its own accord, my imagination arrived in the East Prussian region on the dawn of 6 April 1945. It was sun-up and the artillery onslaught, which would last for three hours, was well underway. Then came the surge of the ground troops.

This was not something that had happened in some far flung corner of the world of which I had heard but little and to which I had never been, it had happened here, in this little corner of the world, and would have taken in and effected the district of Kaliningrad where we now lived, the streets outside these windows and the very house in which I am sitting. And now came the questions, one after the other, following in quick succession. Was there anybody living here at the time of the assault or had they perchance been fortunate enough to have fled on one of the refugee ships? If not, who were these people? What were their thoughts, their feelings, their conversations to one another? What did they hear, smell, see? How did they react? And, of course, did they survive or were they murdered?

The researching and writing part of me toiled on throughout the day, but my imagination was busy elsewhere, amongst the heavy artillery explosions, the echoing chatter of machine guns, the shouts and cries and the screams of pain, the mighty explosions, the sounds of crashing buildings. It was with the Soviet troops as they scrambled through the dust and broken masonry in a fierce endeavor to rout the enemy; it was with the German defenders, each and every one I suspect endowed with the imminence of their own cruel fate; it was here, above all, it was here ~ in this very house, within the four walls of this room, helpless in its observation of the cowering, terrified inhabitants, their own imaginations mercilessly fueled by tales of Soviet barbarity (true or false) which had been unleashed on other towns and other unfortunate victims en route to the great prize itself, Königsberg.

Königsberg Offensive Revisited. The aftermath of bombing. — *Königsberg* ~ the aftermath.
(Photo credit: *Sendker – altes Foto, Public Domain, <a href="”https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=6601474″">Link</a>*)

Historical record has it that Otto Lasch, the Commandant of Königsberg, officially surrendered to the Soviet forces in the city’s command bunker a few minutes before midnight 9 April 1945.

For the rest of my evening the two of us, the working me in 9 April 2020 and my temporarily estranged imagination in 9 April 1945, peeped into and hovered around the bunker of Otto Lasch. I looked at the computer clock, and I wrote: In about one and a half hours from now Otto Lasch, Commandant of Königsberg, sitting in his command bunker at the heart of Kaliningrad, will sign a document the contents of which will change the course of history here forever.

I did not wait up for my imagination. Longstanding association and a comprehensive understanding of all my many dualities assured me that this would not be necessary, futile even.

Suffice it to say we would meet tomorrow, when all this would be over, back in the past where it belongs ~ or so the present would have us believe …

Battle of Königsberg

On This Day

Published: 9 April 2020

9 April is a very significant day in the history of this city and region. It was the last day of a siege that had begun in January 1945 as a successor to heavy bombing by the RAF in August 1944; it was also the first day of Königsberg’s last day ~ if not in spirit, at least in form.

(Photo credit: *By Bundesarchiv, Bild 183-R98401 / CC-BY-SA 3.0, CC BY-SA 3.0 de,* https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=5368820)

Battle of Königsberg

The actual Battle of Königsberg lasted four days only, but it was a bitter and bloody battle. The encircled German forces put up stiff resistance bolstered by Königsberg’s formidable fortifications, a defence system comprising three rings of forts which had been constructed at the end of the 19^th century, some modernised and reinforced, and all heavily supplemented with anti-tank systems and landmines.

The assault began at dawn on 6 April 1945. Intense artillery shelling, which followed several days of bombing by the Soviet air force, was the immediate precursor to the first stage of the city’s invasion. By the fourth day of the attack, 9 April 1945, the Soviet army had breached the enemy’s main defences and in a punishing feat of urban warfare ~ building by building, street by street ~ was bearing down on what remained of the enemy entrenched at the heart of the city. Although both in numbers and fire power German resources were not yet totally depleted, Otto Lasch, Fortress Commandant of Königsberg, in direct contradiction of Hitler’s orders, realising that all was lost, initiated his army’s surrender. Negotiations were implemented and the surrender of the defenders of Königsberg and Königsberg itself was finally ratified just before midnight in Otto Lasch’s control bunker.

Battle of Königsberg

By the time the assault was over, 80 per cent of the city had been obliterated, partly as a result of earlier aerial bombing raids, later soviet artillery action and the urban warfare that followed. Whilst statistical records differ it is widely held that the Germans suffered between 40,000 and 50,000 casualties and between 80,000 and 90,000 Germans were taken prisoner. Of Königsberg’s civilian population, estimated pre-war at 300,000, 200,000 survived but were subsequently forced to leave the city and region. Soviet casualties over the four-day assault is said to number around 4000.

Kaliningrad 9 April 2020

It is hard to believe as I sit here on this beautiful spring day in Kaliningrad, buds and leaves returning to the trees, flowers in first bloom, azure blue sky above, birds singing, that 75 years ago the very building that I occupy and the cobbled streets outside would have been ringing with the sounds of gunfire, the last fading echoes of a seemingly apocalyptic onslaught which had left thousands dead, dying and maimed, hundreds of years of history shattered, a once grand city reduced to ruins and an entire culture and its adherents teetering on the brink of expulsion.

Some say history repeats itself, others that it never goes away. One thing is sure, the present is with us a lot less longer than the past. In less than two hours from now, Otto Lasch will put his signature to a document the contents of which will seal the fate of this city and change the course of history here forever.

*German POWs in front of the King’s Gate*, *Königsberg*, 1945. (Photo credit: *By Bundesarchiv, Bild 183-R94432 / CC-BY-SA 3.0, CC BY-SA 3.0 de,* https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=5368764)

Positive Outcomes from Coronavirus

Diary of a Self-isolator: Day 19 [7 April 2020]

I can put up with the coronavirus conspiracy theories that are doing the rounds ~ just; it is the self-righteous, sanctimonious, crypto-religious revenge scenarios that really chafe. You know the sort of thing: it is payback time for the human race for all the ills that we have visited upon this wonderful world, from factory farming animals to environmental abuse, from decadence to hedonism. These Puritanical killjoys, the ‘serves us right’ disciples who judge everyone else from a Sodom and Gomorrah perspective since they live such dull lives themselves, some in greenhouses from which they throw stones, some who have never lived at all, would like us to believe that we are going to hell in a handcart because we have lost our moral compass, because we have sold out traditional values such as decency, respect, civility and so on for the false Gods of mobile phones, computer games, social media and similar fripperies ~ and, of course, they have a point.

Previous articles:
Article 1: Diary of a Self-isolator: Day 1 [20 March 2020]
Article 2: Diary of a Self-isolator: Day 6 [25 March 2020]
Article 3: Diary of a Self-isolator: Day 7 [26 March 2020]
Article 4: Diary of a Self-isolator: Day 9 [28 March 2020]
Article 5: Diary of a Self-isolator: Day 10 [29 March 2020]
Article 6: Diary of a Self-isolator: Day 16 [4 April 2020]

But on the other side of the ‘I told-you-so’ receiving end of this, there are those who dare to talk about something good coming out of the coronavirus crisis. At the illogical extreme, in predictions that overlap with some of the crimes logged against us to which I have referred, is the wishful thought that somehow after all the uncertainty, fear, lifestyle change and death, a revolution in human nature will occur that will change the way we think about life, the way we relate to one another and ultimately the way we think and relate to the natural world around us. How does that expression go, ‘If wishes were horses beggars would ride’?

Positive outcomes from coronavirus

However, that is not to say that some good cannot come out of self-isolation and social distancing. For example, several friends with whom I have spoken this week ~ by telephone, I hasten to add ~ have reaffirmed my trust in human capacity for self-improvement.

One of our associates is taking up where he left off learning to play the piano, another is improving his knowledge of French, one is reading classic literature, which he has never read before, and yet another has taken up painting when the only thing he could paint was walls, and another is using the time to develop his DIY skills when the only thing he could do was paint pictures.

As this is just a sample of self-improvements cited at random among some of my social circle, one can only imagine the scale and diversity of new interests and leisure pursuits blossoming around the world.

Taking this into account, we could arguably emerge at the other end of this global crisis not merely intact but so much more informed, artistically turned out, practically minded and equipped with skills and aptitudes of which before we could only dream.

Conversely, taking my own circle of friends as an example, you might have a lot to come to terms with ~ off-key piano recitals, being spoken to with every third word in broken French, having to listen to plot lines and character appraisals from novels you do not want spoiling, having to pretend you like badly painted paintings, having to pretend you like poorly painted walls and endless accounts of DIY accidents ~ by people that you always presumed never had it in them (must remember to put that on my ‘things to do whilst isolating list’ ~ distance course in diplomacy).

In the meantime, whilst it is possible to define the benefits of social distancing, even the joys of self-isolation, we still cannot escape the relentless intrusion of social media, even when we do not subscribe.

I lose count of the number of times in a day that my wife asks me to ‘look’ at something or someone doing or saying something on her mobile phone of which, up until that moment, I was happily oblivious.

Positive outcomes from coronavirus

But then who knows? Once we have got this virus beat, placated the conspiracy theorists, disappointed the divine retributionists and thrilled to their crystal balls the prophets of good things to come, perhaps someone can start working on how we can shoot the satellites out of the sky. Should this and this alone be a byproduct of the coronavirus lockdown, then we can truly say that something good has transpired from bad, and all will be serendipity.

[Photo credit: https://www.rawpixel.com/image/390420/your-head]

Kaliningrad Top of Self-isolators

Diary of a Self-isolator: Day 16 [4 April 2020]

Published: 4 April 2020

As you probably know, my wife and I have been self-isolating for a number of days now. On 28 March we were joined by a lot of other people in Russia, not at our residence I hasten to add but throughout the country, as it was announced that the period from 28 March to 5 April would be a paid ‘holiday’, the qualification being that the holiday be taken at home in the interests of self-isolation.

The situation here, as far as we can tell (because, it’s a funny thing, we do not get out as much as we used to, would like to, should), has shifted up a notch. Disinfectant trucks spray the streets regularly, more and more people peep out from behind face masks and speaker vans roam back and forth reminding people to stay put.

Kaliningrad Top of Self-isolators with loudspeaker vans — For illustration purposes only.

Indeed, as I write this, I can hear the solemn, almost monotone, reverberations from the public address systems on wheels echoing through the streets of Kaliningrad. The deserted streets and echoing voice evoke memories of 1950s’ apocalyptic and post-apocalyptic films and TV series such as Quatermass and Day of the Triffids. Eerie and strange to think that in the space of a few short weeks we, or rather the world as we know it, have been diverted into an entirely new, unprecedented and hitherto unimaginable reality. It is as if we all went to bed one night and woke up the next morning in an old black and white episode of The Twilight Zone.

The virtuality continued on the street, where two days ago it had been summer but now it was snowing like Christmas. That was either Father Frost in that plastic outfit or a large man in a red protective suit with an oversized white facemask.

At our local shop, where we had gone to purchase our weekly provisions, all the staff were wearing surgical masks and standing well back, as if they had just lit a firework. For those of us who simply cannot get on with masks and are unconvinced about their efficacy, all we can do when anyone gets too close is the quickstep, the tango for about-face movements and once we have paid at the checkout the foxtrot. At least the dancing lessons have paid off.

Call us paranoid, but as nobody seems to know how long the coronavirus ‘bug’ can sit around smirking at us on surfaces, we have adopted the practice of leaving our shopping in quarantine, stacking the bags out of the way and emptying the contents sometime later. Our cat is clearly perturbed by this but keeps well back from the bags as if he instinctively knows that they’re dynamite.

There are times, however, when you just cannot go on without that oatmeal biscuit, so it is on with the Automobile Association gauntlets, out with the disinfectant, wash the hands, fumigate the house … again

Kaliningrad Top of Self-isolators

One feather in the Kaliningradian hat is that it shows the highest level of self-isolation among Russian cities. Apparently, this data was published on a special Yandex service on the morning of Tuesday 31 March. According to the report*, Kaliningrad scored 4.7 points out of a total of 5 in the self-isolation index, which is the highest score among the cities of the country.

**On the 2 April we heard President Putin’s address to the nation telling us that the paid holiday will be extended until the end of April.

Meanwhile, the world sits and waits indoors for something out there to happen that will ‘take us right back to the track, Jack!’

References:
(Accessed 4 April 2020)
*https://kgd.ru/news/society/item/88172-kaliningrad-pokazyvaet-samyj-vysokij-uroven-samoizolyacii-v-rossii?utm_source=yxnews&utm_medium=mobile&utm_referrer=https%3A%2F%2Fyandex.ru%2Fnews

**https://www.rt.com/russia/484778-putin-coronavirus-update-russia/

UK Police Lockdown Enforcement

Coronavirus & Rights: an Unholy Alliance

Published: 1 April 2020

I wondered how long it would take for the whinging and whining to start about the police being beastly in enforcing the new lockdown. Not long, is the answer. Two articles appeared in the UK media this week. Yes, you have guessed right: one in the The Guardian the other in The Independent.

Guardian headline is to do with police over-stretching their powers (is that why they call it ‘the long arm of the law’?) and The Independent’s “Coronavirus lockdown likened to ‘police state’ by former Supreme Court judge”. Hmmm, the Supreme Court, is not that the institution where they tried to derail BREXIT?

Let’s look at some quotes from the latter article:

With the police under attack by the ‘usual suspects’, the police response:

“We are not looking to criminalise people but we have to have some way of enforcing it,” said the NPCC’s lead for out of court disposals, Deputy Chief Constable Sara Glen.

Note: Police are not criminalising people. People are criminalising themselves by non-compliance with the lockdown.

Police having to defend their actions again:

In the same briefing, NPCC chair Martin Hewitt denied the police service was “an arm of the state”, saying forces were independent and adding: “There is no intention to be heavy-handed.”

Note: Brits have been told to stay put, so it is not being heavy handed, it is enforcing the lockdown. It is not unusual in the UK to accuse the police of all sorts of things when caught doing something that you know you should not be doing:

Numerous arrests have been announced by regional police forces since the law came into force, sparking accusations of overreach.

NB: No, numerous arrests are being made because people are not complying with the lockdown. You haven’t been arrested in your armchair in your sitting room, you have been arrested on the streets because you have broken the rules of lockdown.

And, yes, bring on the performing seals …

The Liberty campaign group said the powers had undergone insufficient parliamentary scrutiny and were “very broad, handing extraordinary new powers to the police”.

NB: Yes, well, these are extraordinary times, are they not? As John Steed of The Avengers once said as he fired a champagne cork at the villains, “Drastic measures for drastic situations …”

Policy and campaigns manager Gracie Bradley added: “Despite the broad scope of these powers, we’ve seen various incidents of police going even further – and beyond their lawful remit. This makes it impossible for people to know how to comply with these new rules, and challenge police when they overreach.

NB: We don’t want the police to be ‘challenged’ we need people to comply. Police have an extremely difficult job to do, and they need the full support of the government and the public. We only have to look at the state of British society today to know what happens when police confidence is undermined by over-zealous rights-related ‘scrutiny’: ie ‘discharging a weapon in the line of duty’ (crucify the cop); the end of ‘stop and search powers’ = 21^st century knife fest.

But the last two paragraphs bring fresh hope:

At a briefing with journalists on Friday, Boris Johnson’s official spokesman said: “The police will exercise their own discretion in the use of the powers we have given to them and will take whatever steps they consider appropriate to disperse groups of people who are flouting the rules.

“The regulations signed by the health secretary last week set out what the government’s clear instruction to the public is. Having asked the police to enforce that, we would expect them to exercise their own discretion in using the powers.”

I’ve said it once and I will say it again: Hoorah for Boris!!

I think the majority will agree ~ especially those who have lost loved ones through this pandemic ~ that if any time was a good time to put police powers and commonsense above rights ~ especially the right to be selfish and stupid ~ then this is that time.

UK police lockdown enforcement

Let’s face it folks, it really is quite straightforward:

The populace of the country has been told to stay indoors for a very good and sensible reason; the police are there to enforce the lockdown to ensure that it is complied with. If you choose to ignore the lockdown, then you can expect to be arrested. Not knowing exactly where you stand is a bit of a feeble excuse, when the presumption should be, if in doubt do not do it, and as it is a minority of people who are unsure about the advice and guidance, such as a child in a park who turns out to be a criminal anyway, adults who interpret lockdown to mean organise a mass Karaoke party or congregate in a suspiciously clandestine way on a hillock up in the Peak District, I think we can safely say, and with some authority, that such people are guilty as charged.

UK Police Lockdown Enforcement — (Photo credit: https://www.publicdomainpictures.net/)

When you are caught doing what you know you should not be doing you are likely to be quite arsey, especially if you receive an on-the-spot fine or are otherwise prosecuted. First response: accuse Plod. I mean, who do they think they are? Well, they are the police force, you see (note the word ‘force’); contrary to umpteen years of disinformation they are not social workers or public relations officers, they are there to police and enforce.

Let us take it step by step; it is all very elementary:

A. You have been told to stay in your home

B. You stay in

C. By doing so you will be helping yourself, and others by not becoming infected, passing the infection on and endangering other people’s lives

Now, if you learn your ABC (which does not stand for being Arsey, Bolshie and a Complete T..t) you will mitigate the risk of being spoken harshly to by naughty Mr Policeman, you could avoid a fine and by not catching coronavirus you could save your life and somebody else’s.

“Evenin’ All”

Trapped Indoors with the Media

Claptrap ~ It’s Contagious!

Published: 31 March 2020

You could call it an ‘occupational hazard’ of social distancing and self-isolating, or, alternatively, you could refer to it as a resulting and highly unpleasant side-effect ~ syndrome would be good ~ this inexplicable urge not only to go cap in hand to the media to corroborate your worst fears about today’s news but, in a moment of vulnerability, to backtrack, to see what gems of wisdom you may have missed.

Trapped inside with the media

And so it was that I discovered this article from that most august of media outlets The Guardian. The headline ran, ‘For some people, social distancing means being trapped indoors with an abuser’.

I thought crikey, I am not reading that! I mean, I know they are anti-vanilla, but raspberry ripple across the backside by a fierce femdom dominatrix, not good advice if you are self-isolating. OK if you are your own abuser. You could chase yourself around the house and call yourself name’s, like fascist for example, whilst spanking yourself with a wet lettuce leaf.

But no, self-arselating is not for me. The butter paddles in the blanket box? I’m a collector, you see. I collect obsolete things, such as butter paddles, handcuffs, old school canes, liberalism ~ that sort of thing.

And I have a friend. That is a friend, by the way, not a ‘friend’. And he reads things that I would never read ~ not even if they paid me. And he told me that in most cases the abuser turns out to be a thick-set wife with her hair in curlers, wearing a florid apron, with all-in-wrestlers arms crossed (she’s modern, she’s got tats) whilst brandishing a rolling pin.

Her little henpecked husband, who has a thumbprint on his head and looks as if he has just been spanked with The Guardian (have a care! ~ if you look too closely you’ll see the newsprint!), grovels at her feet (she’s modern, she’s wearing building contractor’s boots) as his female abuser looks down at him (lovely!), whilst saying: “You will not go the pub!!” He replies, helplessly, “I can’t anyway, Boris has closed them all!” “That’s no excuse,” she roars, so loudly in fact that her false teeth escape self-isolation, adding “And stay away from him [Boris]. What sort of man would force husband and wife, husband and husband, it and other (she almost runs out of breath at this point, but not quite), to stay at home together!”

Phheew, I thought, and thanked my friend for warning me. Its enough to give some the willies. I started to look elsewhere, I mean for something to read in the media.

I skipped over the barrage of complaints about Trump saying something in Chinese. It seems that the only language he can’t speak is liberal, and arrived at a comment by the Indie (Windy or Indian?) relating to Nigel Furrage. He is, it seems, a ‘revolting racist’.

I clicked on the site and read beyond the first headline, it said, quite surprisingly: ‘Just joking we have to say things like this about this very nice man because he kicked our ass and delivered BREXIT in spite of our covert attempts to torpedo him.’

Ha! Ha! Sorry, that is not quite true. The onsite headline was: ‘Over the years, it’s become a widely acknowledged truth of British politics that there’s not many situations Nigel Farage won’t manage to use for his own political gain.’

Of course, with a little bit of editing: ‘Over the years, it’s become a widely acknowledged truth of British politics that there’s not many situations the Liberal media won’t manage for their own political gain’.

I decided enough was enough. It was either flick through an old copy of The Beano and read Dennis the Menace (his father was always spanking Dennis’ bum with a slipper, but political correctness stopped all that) or put on a policeman’s uniform and shout abusive things at myself through the letterbox.

“Evenin’ all!”

Staying At Home in Kaliningrad

Diary of a Self-isolator: Day 10 [29 March 2020]

Published: 29 March 2020

‘People are people everywhere’ is an expression the meaning of which we can quite confidently assume is that, irrespective of country and culture, hopes, fears, joys, sorrows and other defining proclivities shared by human kind are more or less the same the world over. From this precept stems a universal truth, and one which I am sure a certain philosophical gentleman would ratify if his remains at the side of Königsberg Cathedral allowed, which is that among the common characteristics that we the people possess there lies in equal abundance attributes many of which we can be proud and, by default, flaws, shortcomings which, whilst they cannot promise to dismay some, those who are wanting in commonsense, will certainly dismay if not confound others.

Article 1: Diary of a Self-isolator: Day 1 [20 March 2020]
Article 2: Diary of a Self-isolator: Day 6 [25 March 2020]
Article 3: Diary of a Self-isolator: Day 7 [26 March 2020]
Article 4: Diary of a Self-isolator: Day 8 [28 March 2020]

Staying at Home Kaliningrad. Do not go to the coast! — (Photo credit: https://pixabay.com/ 😮[Sorry, silly sanction block ~ link removed] )

Staying at home in Kaliningrad

For example, events as they unfold in the new coronavirus age beg the question, what is it about the simple phrase ‘Stay at home’, that is not so easily understood? Is it so difficult, so impossible to comprehend? Perhaps it contains some encoded subliminal message, such that when uttered by governments, medical services and scientists it immediately translates, albeit to a minority, into ‘please hop into your car and sail off down to the seaside’.

Staying at home in Kaliningrad & everywhere else

Life, as they say, is too short (and is getting considerably shorter) to dwell too studiously on matters so abstruse, which is possibly why I have been whiling away my self-isolation time with place-name wordplay, taking the name of that well-known and popular British seaside resort Skegness, and integrating components of it with Svetlogorsk and Zelinogradsk. The result is not that bad: Skegogorsk still has a must-go there ring to it and Zelinogness is quite blissfully irresistible, whilst Skegness certainly increases its pulling power as Svetlogness, and Skegnogradsk is somewhere you would have to go to even if you didn’t and especially were told that you shouldn’t.

Update Kaliningrad Coronavirus

Diary of a Self-isolator: Day 9 [28 March 2020]

Published: 28 March 2020

11.38am Kaliningrad time and I am conducting my usual perusal of Kaliningrad news, subject coronavirus, with reference to https://www.newkaliningrad.ru/news/

(Photo credit: ( http://www.clker.com/ )

Article 1: Diary of a Self-isolator: Day 1 [20 March 2020]
Article 2: Diary of a Self-isolator: Day 6 [25 March 2020]
Article 3: Diary of a Self-isolator: Day 7 [26 March 2020]

Three more infections were registered today in the city. The report below is unedited, copied as translated by ‘Google Translator’:

Among the three newly infected with the new coronavirus infection inhabitants of the region, which became known on Saturday, March 28 – a man and two women. This was reported to “New Kaliningrad” at the regional operational headquarters for coronavirus.

According to him, the man was on vacation in Peru and, on his return, did a transplant in Paris. He was in isolation, after a coronavirus test yielded a positive result, the man was placed in a hospital. His condition does not cause concern, noted at headquarters. Two infected women were infected in the region, they were in contact with those whose coronavirus was previously detected. This is the mother of a boy who came from Austria , and the mother of a girl who came from Poland. Their condition also does not cause fear among doctors.

(Source: https://www.newkaliningrad.ru/news/briefs/incidents/23611426-vlasti-1-iz-zarazivshikhsya-kaliningradtsev-byl-za-granitsey-2-infitsirovalis-v-regione.html)

Update Kaliningrad Coronavirus

A second report delineates institutions, facilities and services suspended/closed. The report below is unedited, copied as translated by ‘Google Translator’:

For a week in the Kaliningrad region, the work of all public institutions, including shopping centers and public catering, is suspended. According to the press service of the regional government, the decision on amendments was signed by Governor Anton Alikhanov on Friday, March 27.

From midnight March 28 to April 5, the work of cinemas and theaters, recreation parks, zoos, nightclubs (discos), and children’s playrooms are temporarily suspended. The ban on work also applies to entertainment centers, libraries, sports complexes, clubs and sections, art, theater studios, institutions of additional education, and other leisure facilities for children and adults, regardless of ownership.

The work of beauty salons, cosmetics, spa salons, massage parlors, tanning salons, bathhouses, saunas and other facilities providing such services, the provision of dental services, with the exception of diseases and conditions requiring emergency and urgent care, is stopped.

Shopping centers and retail outlets are closing in the region. The ban does not apply to pharmacies, food shops and essentials, remote sales with the condition of delivery.

In addition, restaurants, cafes, canteens, bars, buffets, snack bars and other catering establishments, as well as non-food retail stores, are closed, with the exception of remote delivery of orders with mandatory sanitary and epidemiological measures. Also, a weekly restriction is imposed on smoking hookahs in any public places.

Until June 1, cancellation of reservations, reception and accommodation of citizens in boarding houses, rest homes, sanatorium organizations (sanatoriums), sanatorium and health camps for children year-round and hotels in resort towns is canceled. In addition, today a decision will be made on the possibility of activities of accommodation facilities located in the coastal zone.

“With regard to persons already residing in these organizations, conditions will be provided for their self-isolation and the necessary sanitary and epidemiological measures until the end of their term of residence without the possibility of its extension,” the release notes.

The work of the MFC is limited. State and municipal services will be provided, which can be carried out only on premises and only after prior registration.

“I appeal to every resident of the Kaliningrad region. The main thing for us now is that you be healthy. A lot of resources are involved for this. I ask you to spend this non-working week on the most important thing – communication with your family and friends. Refuse to visit mass places and tourist trips. Stay at home and be healthy, ”said Anton Alikhanov, head of the region.

Monitoring compliance with the new rules of the resolution is entrusted to local authorities, the Ministry of Internal Affairs, Rospotrebnadzor and the Russian Guard on the Kaliningrad Region. The decision comes into force on March 27.

(Source: https://www.newkaliningrad.ru/news/briefs/community/23611373-v-kaliningradskoy-oblasti-zakryvayut-vsye-krome-produktovykh-magazinov-i-aptek.html?from=header_themes)

Update Kaliningrad Coronavirus

Self-isolation Kaliningrad

Diary of a Self-isolator: Day 7 [26 March 2020]

Published: 28 March 2020

Forever, for years and until recently going to the shop was considered to be a fairly humdrum chore, but now it is fraught with apprehension and danger. Today, just before we left the house, I caught myself inadvertently humming the Dambuster’s theme tune, a morale-boosting bit of subconsciousness if ever there was one. Thought I, ruefully, how long will it be before I am humming Coming in on a Wing and a Prayer?

We had been to the one of our local shops in the morning and stocked up on enough provisions to get us through the week. Leaving the shopping in quarantine in the hallway, we scrubbed our hands thoroughly ~ my once manly John Wayne hands looking like two red lobsters ~ and then we disinfected the tap, sink unit, door handles, doors, steps, front door, gate, street, you name it.

Self-isolation in Kaliningrad

It was a sublime spring day. The sun had got its hat on and the sky was a crystal-clear blue. We even managed to sit for a while on the terrace, and our old ginger cat, which jumps at his own shadow, courageously followed us, though in an eponymous way, as if he has been watching the way that I act when I have to leave the house these days.

The young man whom we had employed to dig the garden was sneezing and coughing outside as if someone had stuffed a cigar in his mouth and was pinching his nostrils shut. The two-metre social distancing rule would need to be extended in his case, so, since it had taken him two hours to dig two feet of ground, we checked how much he was charging us by satellite.

We had business in town today, and there was no way out of it.

On foot to the official business destination was a good walk, about two miles I would imagine, but ever mindful of avoiding public transport we took this option.

Self-isolation Kaliningrad Russia

Our route would take us around the side of the ‘lake’ (if you are talking Kaliningradian) and the ‘upper and lower ponds’ (if Königsbergian). It is a pleasant walk, never more so on a beautiful spring day like today.

There were many people in evidence ~ people of all ages ~ strolling, sitting on the lakeside benches, all in a condition of relaxed torpor brought on by the return of spring after a long and miserable winter. Olga listened in on snippets of conversation as we walked ~ no one mentioned coronavirus.

We emerged from the small gateway at the side of the fort which houses Kaliningrad’s world-famous Amber Museum. The relative tranquility of the lake was suddenly replaced by an extremely busy thoroughfare ~ cars, buses, trams, trucks, pedestrians. There was no difference in the volume of any since I walked this route a fortnight ago.

Self-isolation Kaliningrad

When we reached our destination, an establishment not dissimilar to your average British dole office, we were discomforted to find that with the exception of some of the staff who were wearing protective masks most people were not in the least concerned about the threat of the transmission of or infection by a rather nasty virus. The little window at which we needed to queue was fronted by several people who could not have been closer to each other had they been at an orgy. We did our best to keep our distance, but the experience put me in mind of a pedestrianised version of funfair dodgems, except without the fun.

In a situation like this the only real way of guaranteeing your safety would be to stop breathing, and, as this was hardly advisable, we had to make do with a touch of the old Fred Astaires and Ginger Rogers ~ light and quick on our feet.

On our return home, we went through the whole decontamination programme again ~ thorough handwashing, disinfecting door handles, keys and anything else we could think of.

They say that a week is a long time in politics; four weeks into the coronavirus age and it feels like forever.

Self-isolating & Lockdown

Diary of a Self-isolator: Day 6 [25 March 2020]

Published: 25 March 2020

Day 5 of self-isolation and I am as happy as a pig in …. What is the expression? Ahh, straw. Of course, it is early days and there is a slight difference between five days and, how long has it been suggested in the media, 18 months? But I am confident that come what may I can do my time.

Self-isolating & Lockdown — (photo credit: publicdomainvectors

The hypocrisy inherent in that statement compels me to admit, however, that people like myself who have been working from home for years do have a distinct advantage. For us it is a way of life: self-isolating, social distancing, cuh, it is as easy as mugging somebody and blaming it on a deprived background. Over a period of time ‘working from homers’ cannot help but develop all of the essential skills isolators need to survive. We end up being Robinson Crusoes of our time, man; Friday or any other day, it is all the same to us.

Previous article: Diary of a Self-isolator (Day 1)

Self-isolating & Lockdown

I appreciate that the situation is somewhat different, somewhat more irksome should you by nature be a get-up-and-go, over-energised, gung-ho, physical-expending type or by vocation a manly man or manly woman doing heave-ho type of work. Self-lock-up, like voluntarily chastity, cannot be easy (they say it can be fun?) if you spend much of your life running marathons, getting sweaty down the gym, chopping down trees, digging holes or mountain climbing, but you do not need to run around your house with your chopper in your hand, tunnel your way out as if you are in Colditz or find yourselves climbing the walls, and the same applies to keeping fit and making your trainers pong. These things can be just as effectively transacted at home as in a posy, rip-you-off sports centre. OK, nobody is going to see you in the ridiculously expensive gear you bought to show off in, but if that worries your ego, why not just take a ubiquitous ‘selfie’ and post it up on Facebook.

I reverted to home workouts years ago during an eight-year spell when I was working a 70-hour week, when it was just not feasible, and when I certainly did not have the inclination, after rolling home late on an evening to look out my gym gear, pack it (forgetting your towel, naturally), travel to the sports centre, jump around, shower, pack up your kecks in your old kit bag and trundle all the way home. Home exercise saved an awful lot of time and made even more sense ~ it was a good way of saving money, too.

Admittedly, as on many occasions I elected to workout before I travelled to work, which meant dragging my sad and sorry arse out of bed at 5am (always difficult if you have had five pints of glorious ale the night before), it was difficult, but very good for self-discipline ~ Ouch! ~ although the combination of hard exercise, sleep deprivation and, if you are foolish enough to imbibe the night before, shock detoxification can produce an effect that is almost out-of-body. But there is really no need to follow my masochistic lead. Just choose a time of day when exercise suits you best ~ that is the beauty of working from home, indeed just being at home!

Keeping occupied whilst incarcerating yourself, or being locked down by the State, is another matter and depends on what you are used to and how adaptable you are.

“Be an opener of doors” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

This blog, my diary, a biography that I am editing and a couple of other projects keeps me very busy. I have a Lada-load of books that I want to read and, when all of this becomes too wearing on the eyes and as Poirot was fond of saying, the little grey cells, I can always put my pinny on and pretend I am a housewife before the days of the gender wars.

To say that there is nothing to do and that ‘I’m bored’ is an alien concept to me. As my late friend Victor Rybinin the artist and historian said, “I can only imagine what boredom is!”. This is the internet age, dammit.

Self-isolating & Lockdown

We might live in the misinformation/disinformation age, but when you cut through the crap on the internet there is really quite a lot of good stuff out there. If you look hard enough, you can learn all sorts of new things. My ex-SAS friend, who is currently on lockdown in London (why not, he has been locked up everywhere else), is biding his time between unarmed combat training, learning how to make soufflés , and another chap I know, who once registered his employment as a professional burglar, has started a new business on eBay selling all sorts of home appliances, jewellery and things that he has collected over the years.

You meet a lot of interesting people when pub-crawling is your hobby, er although possibly not at the moment!

If the truth be known, that is the only thing that I am missing in this new isolation age ~ my weekly trip to the boozer. Somehow, it is just not the same, drinking with friends whilst on Skype.

However, being optimistic (very by the look of the news), come summer at least we can invite some friends around for a drink. My new social-distancing socialising plan is called relative socialising. How it works is that having disinfected ourselves and made sure that the wind is blowing in the right direction, we, my wife and I, sit on the terrace and drink ~ the terrace is on the first floor ~ whilst they, the guests, sit outside in the garden. We can hold conversations by shouting to each other over the railings and/or use our mobile phones if and when the mood should take us. This is also an excellent way of keeping your mind occupied and stopping you from reading Google News. If you do not have a terrace set-up like us but have two rooms, you could always knock a hole in the wall, fill the gaps with facemasks or, if you have been farsighted, bog paper, and with you in one room and they in the other converse through this homemade filtration system.

There is really no end to the things you can get up to whilst you are self-isolating or in government lockdown.

Yesterday, for example, I read on the Kaliningrad news website that there had been a substantial increase in the number of condoms sold in Russia since the outbreak and spread of coronavirus. It really is quite amazing what people will store in a time of crisis. I suppose with all this time on their hands, and elsewhere, some enterprising couples are making their own rubber gloves.

Tomorrow, Day 6 of Self-isolating, we brave the great outdoors!