Published: 4 December 2021 ~ Please Look! A Weird UFO off the Baltic Coast!
Olga took this photograph last week on a very cold and snowy night on the Baltic Coast. “What is it?” we asked.
“It’s your wife!” my brother replied.
“I know,” I said, “but who’s that next to her, to the right of the photograph, on the right-hand side as you are looking at it?”
It could have been the Imp of the Flippant, but then again? Small settlements along the Baltic Coast are rich in folklore and teeming with legends about ghosts, ghouls and unexplained phenomenon, so believing everything that we read in the press, we put it to the test: we asked for second opinions from people in the UK on what the green-faced, bog-eyed monster might be.
“Oi, that’s no way to talk about your husband!”
To protect the not-so, never-were or never-could-be innocent, we have omitted the names of the respondents and replaced them with a brief description of ‘type’ in italicised text after each quote.
Responses to the question: What is it in the photograph?
“Whatever it is, it’s a different colour so you should be taking a knee” ~ a hairy-fairy quite contrary Wokist
“It looks to me as if it is an extra-large Covid particle specifically designed to lend some sense to the argument that wearing face masks can stop coronavirus” ~ a man with a three-week old face mask hanging below his chin
“I thought, ‘I’ve seen one of these before’. In fact, I had the distinct impression that I had seen thousands of them. And then it clicked! It was the rabid, barking, frothing, foaming at the mouth, hyperventilating pro-vaccination poltergeist, screaming get vaccinated now in order to save yourselves and the rest of society! If you don’t, I’ll murder yu!” ~ a man who has since received Facebook of the Year Award 2021
“I think you’re right! The last time I saw one of these they were carrying a placard with ‘Stop Brexit’ written across it!” ~ Mr Wagtale
“Leave it out! You know it’s me muvver in law!” ~ the last cockney geezer in London to know about white flight
“The green face symbolises the paranoid fringe to which vaccine-hesitant conspiracy theorists are driven via a self-inflicted disconnect from sane members of a beneficent social spectrum from which their psychosis has ostracised them due to a process which they are reluctant to confess is nobody else’s fault but the consequence of their own choice and actions and that blah, blah, blah, drone, drone, drone” ~ a pseudo-psychological nasty Nazi narcissist from the UK
“Well, I’ll be buggered, if it’s not George Sorryarse!” ~ A George Sorryarse spotter
“Well, I’ll be buggered, if it’s not George Sorryarse!” ~ George Sorryarse’s’ Reflection
“Well, I’ll be buggered” ~ someone (everyone) who believes that George Sorryarse is what western media says he is
“It’s such a bloody mess, it has to be the UK establishment’s plan to protect everyone from coronavirus” ~ the man who drew up the plan
“A pair of old fisherman’s underpants time travelling across the Curonian Lagoon” ~ a likely story
“It’s sexist! It’s racist! It’s an offence to gender neutrals! It’s Brexit! It’s a symbol of British Imperialism! It should be taking a knee! It’s homophobic! It’s anti-candle-lit vigil! It’s in violation of everything that Facebook cons us with! It’s inciting revisionist hatred! It’s inciting cancel-culture hatred! It’s everything I accuse others of, but which stares at me from my mirror! It’s liberal!” ~ a liberal
“It’s a red thing in a rectangle” ~ a recently graduated millennial-era student with a triple ‘A’ mark in all 45 subjects taken (which he did in a week, although his first language was Martian)
“I think its … “ {You have just been redirected to an article that tells you the truth about vaccination}
“It’s a vaccination passport with an inferiority complex who believes she has no friends” ~ the Dwarf from the North
“The last time I saw one of those I was working for The Guardian”~ an ‘it’ that is glad that ‘it’ no longer does
“What’s Green but got a satanic face?” ~ a Green Party MP
“Greenpeace 30 years on” ~ a pointless exercise
“You’ll never know the truth” ~ the UK media
“It could be a trick of the light?” ~ a world-leading virologist deplatformed for not towing the establishment line
“It’s the latest strain known as Sinoucret” ~ a WHO public health specialist with a developed sense of anagramism
“WHO?” ~ most likely
“WHAT FOR?” ~ don’t ask!
“WHERE?” ~ everywhere
“WHEN?” ~ never!
“Are you quite finished?” ~ No! Davos
[Answers supplied by an anonymous cohort of public health specialists and Big Pharma scientists handpicked by Establishment inc]
An ex-colleague of mine, whom I have not heard from since his wife became a diversity manager, submitted this essay to me, ‘Tracking World Vaccination with the Prickometer, saying, “I think you should put this on your blog.” At first, I thought it might be something from The Guardian, so naturally I ignored it. But curiosity, not being the sole province of our cat, Ginger, mugged and got the better of me. Two paragraphs in and I was thinking, “Hmmm, this is rum stuff.” So, I did what I always do in times of trouble (they would make good lyrics for a song), I contacted my old friend Lord Wollocks.
“Ha!” he snorted, having read it in less time than it takes to enter Britain illegally, “You know what you can do with this …”
“Wollocks!” I reproved.
“Put it on your blog,” he continued. “Heaven knows, I, and most of my class, come from a long line of pricks. Take my second cousin, The Duke of Megan Merkel, at last removed …”
I got the point. At that moment, our next-door neighbour’s boy, Little Tommy Goodsense, who had been eagerly listening to my conversation from behind the Truth, chipped in, “Mr Rart …”
He’s got a bit of a lisp, bless him, and cannot pronounce his ‘Hs’. When he says WHO, he usually says ‘WO!’ ~ he’s an intelligent child.
“Mr Rart. If it says ‘Freedom of Speech’ on the can, then it should do as it says. Just because they say that Freedom should wear a muzzle does not mean that Covid masks really work.”
“They, Tommy, Who are They?”
But before he could answer, Tommy had seen the light and had quickly emigrated, taking his Noddy books with him.
I realised, of course, what it was that my ex-colleague was getting at in writing and sending me this post. He knew that I was contemplating having it done to me later this year. He knew, in other words, that I was a potential prick, and like the British education system he was out to take advantage of me.
“I’ll show him!” I thought. “I’ll post his manifesto and let that be a lesson to him!”
Tracking World Vaccination with the Prickometer: Chapter (& Verse)
The race to see which country would develop the vaccine first is over; now it is the race to see how many will get the prick in each country and which country can claim that theirs is the first to be full of pricks.
Dr Force-It, whose name is synonymous with prick, vows that all Americans will be pricks by the summer of 2021 and mumbled something about ‘open season on something’, which will make anti-vaxxers think twice before bending over indiscriminately. If all goes according to plan (but whose plan is it?), even if some Americans do insist on remaining prick-free, herd immunity could be achieved by late summer: ‘baa, baa’.
In order for us to understand how well their plan is working, we are indebted to Big Pharma for providing us with the world’s first Prickometer, a cunning tracking device sponsored by the NWO (New World Order), which will please some and confirm the suspicions of others. Already the Prickometer shows that in most European countries pro-pricks are on course for a majority, but what does this mean for the prick-resistors?
Some of us flew to the UK to find out, where we were forced to stay in hotels for two weeks costing us almost two thousand quid a person or be promptly sent to prison. The rest of us travelled by small boats and inflatable dinghies across the English Channel, were bussed to five-star hotels, and each offered a free prick along with British citizenship. We turned the latter down on the grounds that it might affect our benefits.
Whilst we discovered that the Prickometer was a useful tool for persuading the majority to continue to be the majority, its big carrot has been let down by its even bigger stick, which, although it rhymes with prick, is seen by some as a back-passage way of enforcing mandatory pricks. We refer here to the controversial Prick Passports, which Hatty Mancock has refused to rule out, but which prick-resistors feel will soon be used to shaft them.
But what does this mean exactly for society at large, or rather, before total lockdown, the society that used to be at large?
It means that pricks with Prick Passports will be allowed to roam the globe at will (no change there then!) whilst conspiracy theorists and those without a prick will have to content themselves with sneaking out in the dead of night for illicit trips to Skegness or bumming around in Brighton.
Opponents to the scheme worry that once Prick Passports are introduced, it will pave the way for including them for pubs, clubs, restaurants, museums, art galleries, various regions of the UK and hopefully McBidens, in which case the best that prick-resistors can hope for will be to sit at home doing distance holidays on the liberal-left censored internet.
Whilst some are determined to avoid a prick at any cost, others are crying out for one. Take this woman from Scunthorpe (she wished someone would) Mrs Northgob, who having received her first prick free, courtesy of Big Farmer (blast Gates and his spell checker!) went on to equip herself with several different identities: she just could not get enough pricks! And can you blame her? With so many to choose from, Big Pharma has ensured that one-size-fits-all is simply not an option.
But sailoring is not as plain as first it might appear.
A spokes-it for the UK Outrage Industry claims that every ethnic minority no longer under the sun, because they are all living in Britain, are victims of prick discrimination. They are disproportionately short on pricks.
“Give them an inch and they’ll take a yard,” sneered someone who was feeling particularly inadequate ~ he was waiting for Labour to make a come-back.
Leroy, currently doing a 10-inch stretch for procuring illegal pricks, said that it was simply a case of supply and demand, m’lud, and if white bois won’t help white chicks, it might be a dirty job, but someone had to do it!
An International Commission of Inquiry, costing the tax-payer millions, has been convened to look into allegations that the ‘Parades R Us’ community were short of pricks, hadn’t had a prick in months, wouldn’t know what a prick was even if it was offered to them, had had more than their fair share of pricks or could not decide whether they wanted one or not.
Alice Quimby, spokes-something or other for the dating agency Snatch, said that she was personally chuffed that none of her members were prick-oriented. She boasted that they had it licked, the system, that is, and then, just before she got the hump, she adjusted her strap-on ~ seatbelt ~ and before driving off on speed added that her friend Dilis de’ Doe had summed it up in a nuthouse when she said the whole world had gone arse about face.
Terry Twinky, owner of Tinker Tailors the Men’s Infitters (Alterations Made, Shirts Lifted), took umbridge at our suggestion that some of his lads considered themselves above pricks, whilst others in his sister company, sometimes referred to as his sissies’ company, Fudge Packers UK, downed tools and aprons at the mere mention of having a prick.
“I’ll have you know,” he hissed, “that my members have bent over backwards to meet the demands of this government and what have we got for it? Nothing! It was never like this when Jeremy Thorpe was in power!” Upon which, telling us in no uncertain terms that he would not bandy his wotsits and mince his words with us, he turned the other cheek, and walked away like the words he would not say.
Meanwhile on the streets of London, there have not been riots. According to the Indefensible, peaceful pro-prickers who were simply having a nice day out showing off the new banners they had made whilst living with their mums and claiming benefits, had been provoked by right-wing statues and anything vaguely phallus-like. Heckled by Far Right, White Supremacist, Nazis, disguised as two old ladies chanting ‘No more Pricks’, and then sighing loudly, the largely peaceful protest descended into a mild anti-Christ of all riots, about which Theresa May later opined it was ‘highly likely that the Russians dun it’.
Nelson (certainly not Persondella) was the first to get it in the neck ~ or somewhere.
An innocent bystander, who was later jailed for 5 years because it was discovered that he had once voted UKIP, said that he was “horrified”. “One minute, Nelson had been up there, proud and erect on his column, and the next he was sent crashing to the ground. In the ensuing impact, Nelson’s coat tails whipped up and what happened next was just too shocking to report … “
A man named Hardy (I think that’s how you spell it?), said “It Woke mine up!” He is now helping police with their inquiries ~ into people saying mean things on Twitter whilst terrorists roam the streets.
The only other witness, Churchill’s statue, was unavailable for comment since he had been boxed up and moved for his own protection and what had replaced him hadn’t got the intelligence to understand the question.
It was reported in The Gonadstan that the suggestion that the extreme left group Anti-Prick had fomented the violence was baseless, not least because the British establishment, which most likely funds and supports it, denies its very existence. The Gonadstan went on to say that pro-prick supporters had been provoked by something which Nigel Farage was doing, which was sitting outside a public house drinking a pint of beer whilst wearing his tweed cap, looking far too British for his own good and anyone up from Dover.
The British government, its well-paid advisers and members of the shadowy government, unassisted by the House of Frauds, immediately did one: they consulted the Prickometer.
But can the Prickometer help? The answer is no. There is little chance that Nigel Farage will suddenly vote liberal.
So, what does the Prickometer tell us? Well, the Prickometer tells us how many pricks there are per 100 population, the total number of pricks in any one country, the percentage of population that has had at least one prick and those that enjoyed it so much that they have gone back for another and then changed their Facebook avatar to something under a rainbow and had an orgasm. In short, the Prickometer is a reliable source of which countries are swallowing the official coronavirus narrative and which countries are a head ~ according to our expert Dick ~ of other countries in boasting more pricks than others.
In short, the Prickometer tells us that never before in the history of the world have there been so many pricks.
“Never before in the history of the world has so many pricks been administered by the machinations of the few” ~ Sir Wokeston Chapelhill
WHO SAID THAT!!! DOWN WITH HIS … STATUE!
Note: We have had to substitute ‘prick’ for ‘jab’ as ‘jab’ is the registered trademark of World Exploitation Inc.
Coronavirus warning: Speech impediment could be new dastardly coronavirus symptom
Published: 20 April 2020
Scientists on holiday in Brightlingsea say a number of people who have not been tested for anything could have a speech impediment together with other indicators, although some will have no symptoms whatsoever, which could make them very suspicious ~ if not of everybody else, at least of themselves.
Along with other indications, such as a sore throat, cough, high temperature, a nasty rash, hives, breathlessness, a pain in the neck and almost everywhere else, sore feet, rings through your nose, tatts, loss of taste, smell and your wallet in Peckham, The Twice-Daily Recorder previously reported that Peter Horn from Scunthorpe had a verruca on his foot and a ‘fizzing sensation’ in his Andrew’s Liver Salts.
Coronavirus New Speech Symptom
The impediment, which is accompanied by a bitter taste in the mouth and an ardent wish that you had not bought their newspaper, been on Google, checked your emails, seen social media or got out of bed until it was all over, is characterised by a pathological urge to babble. A spokesother for Chas & Dave colloquially referred to the symptom as ‘rabbit’, with those affected and affecting intelligence rabbiting on about new symptoms, no symptoms, police states, totalitarianism, and, in the case of one man with a name like Queer Stammer, making false promises (again) about what his party will do for the health service.
Queer, who is Chairman of Exit Strategy UK, and has an alarming amount of likeminded people behind him ~ right behind him! ~ is demanding that the virus pack it in. In a moment of pure perspicacity, “Enough’s enough,” he said, and is calling for a ‘People’s Vote’ ~ a referendum on whether we should leave the house or not whilst telling the virus it has gone far enough. It is thought that Vexit will take place as soon as they have worked out how to rig the electronic voting system.
Whilst this latest symptom ~ mindless babbling ~ seems to be concentrated among media employees and second-rate celebs, the WHAT (World Health Absolutely Trumped) was about to report (but now cannot afford the printing ink) that a virus might happen soon, but is not saying WHEN (World Health Eventually Never).
A new coronavirus symptom is getting drunk whilst wearing a silly hat in lockdown ~ or it might just be the onset of insanity (Photo credit: Museums Victoria on Unsplash)
Boot on the other foot ~ could this be a new symptom?
An interesting but none the less disturbing permutation of this symptom is the UK media’s hysteria that each time senior ministers in the government open their mouths they are not putting their foot in it nearly as often as they would like. One media group, The Onguardism, (which always write its headlines in advance, according to the old policy of making news instead of reporting it) has this to say: BoJo’s Pandemic Policy Hampered by Foot and Mouth, but since it has not happened as scheduled they have simply decided that they will put the boot in at every opportunity.
A vaccine against this contagious nonsense could be ready as early as September, with a betting shop in Oxford giving it an 80 to 1 chance, and the British media saying on Mondays to Wednesdays that ‘it will take at least two years to develop’ and on Thursdays to Saturdays ‘it will never happen’ and on Sundays (when, unless you are The Independent, you have a very big newspaper to fill) a series of in-depth analytical pieces over several pull-out supplements will tell you nowt but come in very handy when your stockpiled bog paper runs out sometime in 2025 ~ and there’s a clue?
And if you do not have this latest symptom, do not worry, the British media is desperately searching for one that is tailored made for you.
In Mondays sizzling, action-packed The Twice-Daily Recorder, which is out on Thursday, we make up the latest symptom of the sexist, ageist, racist coronavirus and ask the tantalising question, have you got an underclothing illness due to baked beans and Brussels sprouts?
This article represents the views of our inhouse expert Billy Bullshitter and any resemblance to you is purely coincidental ~ or is it?
