Архив метки: Novelty Coronavirus Masks

England Lockdown Déjà Vu Scare

Déjà Vu & The Man in the Iron[y]ed Mask

Published: 2 November 2020

Surely, the irony cannot have escaped anybody’s attention, that is to say the date on which Boris Johnson proposes to submit England to a new round of severe lockdown restrictions. When? November the 5^th. Talk about pissing on your fireworks! Let’s hope that Guy Fawkes doesn’t own a time machine!

For me, personally, the sudden but by no means unexpected surge in coronavirus cases has solved one puzzle. It has ended my indecisiveness as to whether or not I should change the title of one of my post series from ‘self-isolation’ to ‘social distancing’.

Would I be resident in the UK, the choice would no longer be mine to make. The new title would be lockdown. But here, in Kaliningrad, Russia, no such lockdown exists and, as at the time of writing, there is no intimation of one being implemented sometime soon.

Nevertheless, this seemingly clear-cut situation compared to that in the UK has done nothing to ease the difference in opinion that persists between myself and my friend and sparring partner, Ginger Cat Murr, about how we approach life now that coronavirus is once again in the ascendancy.

The difference is a nuanced one. Both of us are batting from the same wicket when it comes to lockdown. We share the belief that any benefits derived from such draconian measures, and there aren’t any, at least proven ones, are offset by the detrimental psychological impact that lockdown is having in its breakdown and fragmentation of normal human relationships ~ proof of which there is plenty.

We both believe, therefore, that the role of those in authority should be to guide and not dictate, and that the decision to what extent he or she decides to isolate themselves should be a matter of individual choice.

Admittedly, at the outset of coronavirus, earlier this year, I fully supported lockdown, as it was, without doubt, a sensible precaution to take as we travelled into the unknown. But that was then and now is now. In moving on we would do well to consider the almost 100-year-old maxim: adapt, adopt and improve.

Thus, as much as I balk against using such media catchphrases as New Normal, if it has taught us anything it is that Covid-19 is here to stay and that there is not only no quick fix but at the moment no fix, full stop.

Less than three months ago, the media was awash with vaccine-race stories, the implication being that at any moment the Lone Ranger would be riding on down to rescue us from Black Hat Corona. Now, we are told that although the vaccine, or myriad vaccines, are on course and will be rolled out soon, there is no silver bullet. It makes you think that someone should be given the bullet, and that it would not be a bad thing if whoever it is fired at it should ricochet a while throughout the world of science and the media.

That being as it should, back to our argument; I mean the debate between Ginger Cat Murr and myself on the pros and cons of lockdown.

Where our opinions diverge is that whilst we are both anti-enforced lockdowners, I have no problem at this point in time of entertaining a limited period of house arrest in order, if it works, to take pressure off the NHS and to give the science community and pharmaceutical companies time to test, develop, produce and distribute the once-vaunted vaccines/drugs, even if, as realists suggest, the end result will be less of a precision hit as we have been led to believe and more like the discharge from a sawn-off shotgun. Well, better hit and miss than no hit at all.

Ginger Cat Murr, on the other hand, sticks like glue to the mantra that the policy should be to protect the vulnerable as best we can and allow the rest, those who do not fit into this category, the freedom and intelligence of individual choice, taking up the logic cudgel that shutting some venues, like pubs and restaurants, whilst keeping other places open is a bit like being in first gear and reverse at the same time. In other words, Ginger Cat Murr is firmly behind the Great Barrington Declaration.

England Lockdown Déjà Vu Scare

In the UK, the debate appears to be going the way Brexit went. The country is becoming polarised into two distinct camps: those that want and welcome lockdown and those that don’t. And here there is a funny (as in bizarre) thing happening. Take a look at these headlines from the UK’s online media:

The Independent [2 November 2020] ~ ‘We need better leadership to beat the virus – not more of Boris Johnson’s false promises’

The Guardian [2 November 2020] ~ ‘The Guardian view on a second lockdown: what took him so long?’

The Independent [1 November 2020] ~ ‘This lockdown is better late than never, but it would have been even better in September’

Making allowances for the usual, and inevitable, ‘party political broadcast on behalf of …’ does it appear to you that it is primarily the liberal left who are rooting for lockdown? If so, how strange? I would have thought that the very word ‘lockdown’ would be sufficient to ignite cries of totalitarian agenda from the usual suspects, and that any government, but particularly a Tory government, advocating such policies would be condemned out of hand for launching an assault against our sacred ‘uman rights! But then, as we all know, liberalism and rationale …?

England Lockdown Déjà Vu Scare

The insult-to-injury kernel of this nut, the lockdown debate, not partisan politics, and what I would hazard a guess will prove to be the enduring symbol of early 21^st century angst, by which history will judge our governments, scientists and media, has to be the face mask.

Who would have thought, before coronavirus came along, that this little piece of material slapped across your face would be such a bone of contention? It alone defines the division between those who do as they are told and those who do otherwise? But it represents more than that, a great deal more.

The mask symbolises the confused messages that have launched a thousand conspiracy theories; obfuscated the issue like no other; completely and totally undermined our trust, not only in politicians but also, and more importantly, in the credibility of our scientists, whose case for and against mask wearing veers from claims that masks can trap the virus to masks are perfectly useless, with the disturbing caveat that in the worst case scenario the improper use of masks can aid and abet viral transmission.

What is the proper way of using and wearing a mask? Don’t ask, because once you have the answer you will realise that unless you are a walking ‘laboratory condition’ living in a hermitically sealed sterile environment, your chances of success are about as odds-on as winning the lottery.

Do I personally wear a mask? Don’t we all? [Leonard Cohen: “And if you want another kind of love, I’ll wear a mask for you.”] Well, that all depends, of course, on what I am doing and where I am. But in the ongoing struggle against coronavirus, I do just as much as the rules necessitate, albeit without conviction (in both senses!)

To end on a more personal note, I must confess that I do derive a certain degree of amusement from observing the relationships between individuals and their masks.

Whilst there are some people whose masks seem to have become a sort of never-to-be-removed fungus that they have assiduously adhered to their mug, others do seem to have adopted a loose, indeed very loose, definition of what mask-wearing entails and, by default, what they expect to achieve by it. The best example of this are those that plaster their masks about their mouth but have their noses hanging out, as if the proboscis during this particular pandemic has ceased to play any meaningful part in the respiratory process.

I remember seeing something on Facebook that compared wearing a mask in this way to the unlikely practice of men wearing their pants with their willy over the waistband. (I’m sorry? Have you something you wish to confess to, comrade?)

It would appear that coronavirus mask-wearing has led some of us to completely reinvent our faculty for breathing; why else would anyone wear their mask on their chin or tuck it into their throat as if it is a cravat? And what of those naughty people who in spite of ‘rules are rules’ deliberately flout them and do not wear a mask. Are they rebels? Selfish anti-social miscreants? People who have a justifiable grievance against mask-wearing, ie they believe that they facilitate viral transmission rather than prevent, or cannot wear a mask for medical reasons? Or, in the last analysis, could they be mask wearers of an unconventional kind, ie wearing a mask but not on their face!

Ask yourself this question: Every time you see someone without a mask, is he or she really maskless or have they got one secreted about their person, wearing it in the most unlikely of places? So far, I have not seen any authoritarian rules about how to wear your mask, only that you must wear one! So, where and how you wear it is open to interpretation. And there are cases, of course, where people should be exempt. Take The Invisible Man, for example, there would be as much logic in him wearing a face mask as, er, repetitive bouts of lockdown?

Covid-19 Mask Parade

The Masked Man of Coronavirus

Published: 20 May 2020

The day after I posted my last Diary of a Self-isolator article on the coronavirus situation, wearing a mask in public places, including on the street, became part of what the Brits would call ‘The New Normal’ here in Russia’s Kaliningrad region. ⁺An online news report predicted today that the mask regime would be ‘with us for a long time’, which is bad news for those of us who have difficulty in wearing them. Nevertheless, rules are rules and when we went shopping on Sunday we emerged on the street looking like a pair of dentists hunting down an escaped patient, or, possibly, a pair of escaped dentists wanted for mask wearing when it did not really suit us.

In the short walk from our house to the small, but diversely stocked, shopping precinct at the end of the road, I idled away my new-found inability to breathe very well by playing ‘spot the masks in Kaliningrad’.

Now, I am not one to tell tales out of school, but in my estimation I would say there was a 50:50 split on those conforming to the new mask-wearing rule and those who could not, but, moving swiftly on ~ and my word don’t we, these days ~ I turned my face-covered attention to the kind of masks that people were wearing in an attempt to define which type of mask was the Kaliningradian’s mask of choice.

Mick Hart and his wife, Olga, were wearing the lightweight, light-blue coloured thin cotton masks of pleated design, as worn widely by members of the medical profession. Please be assured that this is no endorsement of their efficacy, and neither is it intended to be. The problem inherent in universal mask-wearing is that it does not take long before demand outstrips supply, restricting personal choice to availability rather than comfort-fit or cosmetics.

This factor would account for the swerving variation in masks evident, but a nervous breakdown (that is to say, a breakdown made nervously as I stood in the street observing) enabled me to categorise mask-type together with wearing incidence thus:

Incidence of mask-wearing:

Lightweight, blue pleated masks: 20%

Thick linen black masks: 60%

Homemade masks: 1%

Standard builder’s dust masks: 12%

Superior builder’s dust masks: 7%

Wearing of masks by type

Proper job ~ over mouth and nose: 40%

Loose and baggy like an old pair of pants (please note the use of the word like): 5%

Nose poking out over the top: 5%

Clipped under the chin ready for erection on sight of authorities: 50%

Covid-19 Mask Parade

It was whilst I was standing outside the chemists in a mask-observant mood that, making allowances for the different types of mask identified here, I wondered how long it would be, taking into account that enforced mask-wearing was not likely to go away anytime soon, some budding entrepreneur would cash in and clean up on the market for novelty masks. Who would be the first, I pondered, to register The Novelty Mask Emporium, a company devoted to the design, production and distribution of imaginatively made masks, three or four different types mass produced and styled in such a way as to steer your mind away from the serious reason for wearing them.

For example, for the animal lovers you could have one shaped like a cats face with a long pair of whiskers sticking out on either side; for the ‘life on the ocean waves’ brigade, one shaped like the bow of a boat with some waves painted around the chin piece; and for those who have benefitted from too much plastic surgery and/or Botox one designed like the back of a bus.

You could design the masks in series, and make a ‘guess who’ or ‘guess what’ game of it. For example, you could have the ‘Famous Faces Series’, a mask limited to the mouth and nose of famous people, such as the mouth and nose of Boris Johnson, Donald Trump or, for those with long memories, Tom Jones. To appeal to and capture the errant youth market, you would do far worse than have a series of features built around rappers and hip-hoppers. Each mask could come complete with a free, imitation chunky gold necklace and you could call the series ‘Innit’. There really is no end to the possibilities; the sky’s the limit ~ a mask decorated with craters like the moon, which turn out to be potholes in a road near Scunthorpe, just to appease the conspiracy theorists. Rude masks would be very much in demand, especially in the UK, and masks of Obama’s bum, for example, or shaped like genitalia would be bound to command high prices.

At the other end of the market, above the belt line and sold exclusively in places like Bond Street and London’s Saville Row, upmarket clientele could eschew the off-the-peg option for a tailor-made mask, personally designed according to their own design criteria and made to measure to fit one’s facial contours.

Covid-19 Mask Parade

The biggest bucks lie in one of two directions: (1) Designing a novelty mask and getting it wrapped around the kisser of some celeb or other, particularly one which will appeal to the open credit card mentality of the young; (2) Having your mask operation endorsed by Royal Warrant, ie Mask Suppliers to Her Majesty the Queen of England or Chancellor Merkel of Germany (not quite sure about the latter).

For those of us who are good with our hands and have not yet been arrested for it, the homemade customised option could very well lead to an international coronavirus mask competition, similar in form and cornicity to the long-running out-of-steam Eurovision Song Contest or EU Pong Contest (this one has always smelt a bit fishy). For inspiration, ‘make do and mend’ mask artists would be advised to seek inspiration from the saviours of America ~ no, definitely not the Hilary Clinton mask ~ I mean those worn by comic strip superheroes ~Batman, Spiderman, Bat-Other, Spider-It et al.

For lovers of the Golden Days of Hollywood, there’s your Lone Ranger and Mask of Zorro. OK their masks were just pieces of paper with eye holes cut into them, specifically designed so that when worn even people who have never met you before will recognise you instantly, but they are just as good as any mask if you only wear them under your chin.

We won’t go into the other kinds of mask available as we run the risk of straying inadvertently into the realm of bank heists and BDSM parties (mainly dungeon oriented now on account of the 2 metre distancing rule ~ see my article on Copulating with Coronavirus whilst observing the 2 metre rule [by the way, claiming that the metric system confuses you, as you thought that 2 metres is the same as 2 inches is no defence, and anything else is just boasting].

If you want a lover
I’ll do anything you ask me to
And if you want another kind of love
I’ll wear a mask for you

~ Leonard Cohen

From a personal standpoint, which is a masculine one with no hands on hips allowed, for the well-turned out gentleman, the gentleman of taste and decorum, there is the all-important question of how to wear a mask and still maintain one’s sartorial elegance.

No matter how assertively the mask argument is made in the interests of self-preservation, one is forced to acknowledge that a piece of cloth or moulded chunk of white synthetic material resembling a polystyrene burger box planted on your face is by no means a flattering accessory to either member of sex ~ or the many things in between. And when you have a certain je ne sais quoi reputation concerning standards and manner of dress, well, I ask you, wearing a mask indeed!

In conclusion (or even collusion)

The benefits and disadvantages of wearing a mask in the new Coronavirus Age is one of those hotly debated issues which, like mediocre pop music does not look likely to be resolved in the short-to-medium term, but as Hope Not Hate, who have never got it right, might say, masks come in all shapes and sizes, they do not have to be homogeneous. Masks can be as diverse as fantasy, multicoloured or as black as your hat. Just open the borders of your mind ~ make them gay and wear them with pride.