UK Media Coronavirus Hysteria - Expat in Kaliningrad, Russia

The Grand International Covid-19 & Culture-Threat Vaccine Race Not Quite Live from Gaydock Park

Published: 5 August 2020

Hello and welcome to the first Grand International Covid-19 & Culture-Threat Vaccine Race not quite live from Gaydock Park.

Held in somewhere that used to resemble the UK, this is the first equestrian race of its type where most spectators are watching in self-isolation from the comparative bailiff safety of their coronavirus mortgage-reliefed homes. The only people who will get an actual glimpse of the race live are boatloads of migrants, who will have a clear view on their approach to Dover. That’s them cheering in the background, ‘give us a free house in Surrey’, and there’s a man on the cliffside watching through his binoculars who has given us a tip for the 1960s’ Race at Haydock, which is odds-on favourite, They Should Have Listened to Enoch.

Described by some as the first nationalist race symbolising the inevitable, irredeemable, inexorable demise of globalism, and by Others as being sexist, what we do know is that it is the first race ever in which the horses will be wearing face masks, even if nobody else is.

For those of you who have just joined us, from anywhere and everywhere, the police are providing a free taxi service to a hotel of your choice, for the rest of you who understand English, and there aren’t many, but never mind we’ll provide an interpreter, it’s only money, this is a high-stakes race, the first one past the Vaccine Finishing Post not only out-prestiging everyone else in the civilised world, as well as those in Scotland, but also monopolising the coronavirus vaccine for his country and ensuring that their pharmaceutical sponsor makes mega-bucks whilst holding the world to ransom.

Ahh, and now we see the horses approaching the starting gate. In a few moments, a billionaire philanthropist will fire the starting gun and the first Grand International Covid-19 & Culture-Threat Vaccine Race will be underway.

There goes the gun (blast, he missed himself!) and they’re off! (I wondered where my wife was?) and the horses are off too.

And up front, but not so up front as we’d like, it’s China’s Unnamed Unknown Vaccine, followed by Discredited HOO, odds-on favourite Oxford Fix close behind with Gay Parade too close behind for comfort as Labour Party falls back, but not far enough for some. And China’s Unnamed Unknown Vaccine going like a bat out of hell, neck and neck with Conspiracy Theory as they approach Bills Gate. And in the black & red face mask and German tin helmet its BioTank putting pressure on Rest of the World with Open Borders, Big Mistake and Murkal’s Refugees crowding in the middle and everywhere else, whilst US Operation Warp Speed fails to trump False Liberal Media. Into the first hurdle and down goes Lockdown, Conservative Party unseating its rider, Nobody Cares and Who Gives A Toss on either side of LGBT, Tony Blair a casualty But He Doesn’t Seem to Know It, as She’s Got More Mouth Than a Cow’s Got C… ridden by the Dwarf from the North thunders into fourth place. False Liberal Media making difficult headway as they enter the Straight & Narrow, with Selfish Brits Crowding Brighton Beach and Social Distancing now one metre, could be two, behind Confused Government Policy. There goes Statistics and its China’s Unnamed Unknown Vaccine fighting it out with Poisoned Meat Market, Don’t Believe It and Whose Laboratory as Mrs May’s Highly Likely is overtaken by Truth, Porton Down and Unbelievable Story with outsider Russia’s Vaccine closing the distance on Collusion Complex and Clinton’s Hacking Jacket an also and almost ran. Ahead now and quite round the bend Entire Liberal Media, closely pursued by Populist Vote, which surges into first place as Farage’s Triumph sails merrily into the lead, threatening EU Dominance, pulling the plug on EU Court of Human Blights and Whose Democracy Is It? Common Sense is out of the race replaced by All Kinds of Liberal Agendas, Lost Heritage and Law & Order Matters, and its Muggers Alley, Hand-Over Your Cash, LoL and Innit, and Churchill’s Statue battling it out with Defund the Police as the race enters the final straight. Black Lives Matters, Reputation in Tatters and Obsequious Corporate Policy making the running, in the opposite direction, alongside Fickle Government Policy and Overpaid Untalented Celebs all surprised by BREXIT.

And its Bullshit, Bullshit and the Liberal Media, Bullshit, Russophobia, Bullshit and BBC Licence Fee hard pushed to pass They Won’t Pay It with Historical Drama Revisionism tangling with Gender-Bending Dr Who and Sink Estate in a TARDIS as they round Diverse Psychosis Corner. And its Bullshit in the lead, Ballshit out in front, Ballshit trampling Anti-Vaxxer, Trump with Second Wind as he trounces Second Wave and yes, its … Wait one moment. News just in! Apparently, we’ve just entered the third wave. Traditionally, it takes 10 to 15 years to develop a vaccine, so the finishing line has been moved to 2035 ~ stay tuned, stay in, stay safe and whatever you do don’t back Nightmares.

😉(Featured image Photo credit: https://www.publicdomainpictures.net/pictures/10000/velka/1-1239868251vifh.jpg)

Coronavirus warning: Speech impediment could be new dastardly coronavirus symptom

Published: 20 April 2020

Scientists on holiday in Brightlingsea say a number of people who have not been tested for anything could have a speech impediment together with other indicators, although some will have no symptoms whatsoever, which could make them very suspicious ~ if not of everybody else, at least of themselves.

Along with other indications, such as a sore throat, cough, high temperature, a nasty rash, hives, breathlessness, a pain in the neck and almost everywhere else, sore feet, rings through your nose, tatts, loss of taste, smell and your wallet in Peckham, The Twice-Daily Recorder previously reported that Peter Horn from Scunthorpe had a verruca on his foot and a ‘fizzing sensation’ in his Andrew’s Liver Salts.

Coronavirus New Speech Symptom

The impediment, which is accompanied by a bitter taste in the mouth and an ardent wish that you had not bought their newspaper, been on Google, checked your emails, seen social media or got out of bed until it was all over, is characterised by a pathological urge to babble. A spokesother for Chas & Dave colloquially referred to the symptom as ‘rabbit’, with those affected and affecting intelligence rabbiting on about new symptoms, no symptoms, police states, totalitarianism, and, in the case of one man with a name like Queer Stammer, making false promises (again) about what his party will do for the health service.

Queer, who is Chairman of Exit Strategy UK, and has an alarming amount of likeminded people behind him ~ right behind him! ~ is demanding that the virus pack it in. In a moment of pure perspicacity, “Enough’s enough,” he said, and is calling for a ‘People’s Vote’ ~ a referendum on whether we should leave the house or not whilst telling the virus it has gone far enough. It is thought that Vexit will take place as soon as they have worked out how to rig the electronic voting system.

Whilst this latest symptom ~ mindless babbling ~ seems to be concentrated among media employees and second-rate celebs, the WHAT (World Health Absolutely Trumped) was about to report (but now cannot afford the printing ink) that a virus might happen soon, but is not saying WHEN (World Health Eventually Never).

A new coronavirus symptom is getting drunk whilst wearing a silly hat in lockdown ~ or it might just be the onset of insanity
(Photo credit: Museums Victoria on Unsplash)

Boot on the other foot ~ could this be a new symptom?

An interesting but none the less disturbing permutation of this symptom is the UK media’s hysteria that each time senior ministers in the government open their mouths they are not putting their foot in it nearly as often as they would like. One media group, The Onguardism, (which always write its headlines in advance, according to the old policy of making news instead of reporting it) has this to say: BoJo’s Pandemic Policy Hampered by Foot and Mouth, but since it has not happened as scheduled they have simply decided that they will put the boot in at every opportunity.

A vaccine against this contagious nonsense could be ready as early as September, with a betting shop in Oxford giving it an 80 to 1 chance, and the British media saying on Mondays to Wednesdays that ‘it will take at least two years to develop’ and on Thursdays to Saturdays ‘it will never happen’ and on Sundays (when, unless you are The Independent, you have a very big newspaper to fill) a series of in-depth analytical pieces over several pull-out supplements will tell you nowt but come in very handy when your stockpiled bog paper runs out sometime in 2025 ~ and there’s a clue?

And if you do not have this latest symptom, do not worry, the British media is desperately searching for one that is tailored made for you.

In Mondays sizzling, action-packed The Twice-Daily Recorder, which is out on Thursday, we make up the latest symptom of the sexist, ageist, racist coronavirus and ask the tantalising question, have you got an underclothing illness due to baked beans and Brussels sprouts?

This article represents the views of our inhouse expert Billy Bullshitter and any resemblance to you is purely coincidental ~ or is it?