Архив метки: Will Life Change After Covid-19?

Please Look! A Weird UFO off the Baltic Coast!

What is it?!

Published: 4 December 2021 ~ Please Look! A Weird UFO off the Baltic Coast!

Olga took this photograph last week on a very cold and snowy night on the Baltic Coast. “What is it?” we asked.

“It’s your wife!” my brother replied.

“I know,” I said, “but who’s that next to her, to the right of the photograph, on the right-hand side as you are looking at it?”

It could have been the Imp of the Flippant, but then again? Small settlements along the Baltic Coast are rich in folklore and teeming with legends about ghosts, ghouls and unexplained phenomenon, so believing everything that we read in the press, we put it to the test: we asked for second opinions from people in the UK on what the green-faced, bog-eyed monster might be.

“Oi, that’s no way to talk about your husband!”

To protect the not-so, never-were or never-could-be innocent, we have omitted the names of the respondents and replaced them with a brief description of ‘type’ in italicised text after each quote.

Responses to the question: What is it in the photograph?

“Whatever it is, it’s a different colour so you should be taking a knee” ~ a hairy-fairy quite contrary Wokist

“It looks to me as if it is an extra-large Covid particle specifically designed to lend some sense to the argument that wearing face masks can stop coronavirus” ~ a man with a three-week old face mask hanging below his chin

“I thought, ‘I’ve seen one of these before’. In fact, I had the distinct impression that I had seen thousands of them. And then it clicked! It was the rabid, barking, frothing, foaming at the mouth, hyperventilating pro-vaccination poltergeist, screaming get vaccinated now in order to save yourselves and the rest of society! If you don’t, I’ll murder yu!” ~ a man who has since received Facebook of the Year Award 2021

“I think you’re right! The last time I saw one of these they were carrying a placard with ‘Stop Brexit’ written across it!” ~ Mr Wagtale

“Leave it out! You know it’s me muvver in law!” ~ the last cockney geezer in London to know about white flight

“The green face symbolises the paranoid fringe to which vaccine-hesitant conspiracy theorists are driven via a self-inflicted disconnect from sane members of a beneficent social spectrum from which their psychosis has ostracised them due to a process which they are reluctant to confess is nobody else’s fault but the consequence of their own choice and actions and that blah, blah, blah, drone, drone, drone” ~ a pseudo-psychological nasty Nazi narcissist from the UK

“Well, I’ll be buggered, if it’s not George Sorryarse!” ~ A George Sorryarse spotter

“Well, I’ll be buggered, if it’s not George Sorryarse!” ~ George Sorryarse’s’ Reflection

“Well, I’ll be buggered” ~ someone (everyone) who believes that George Sorryarse is what western media says he is

“It’s such a bloody mess, it has to be the UK establishment’s plan to protect everyone from coronavirus” ~ the man who drew up the plan

“A pair of old fisherman’s underpants time travelling across the Curonian Lagoon” ~ a likely story

“It’s sexist! It’s racist! It’s an offence to gender neutrals! It’s Brexit! It’s a symbol of British Imperialism! It should be taking a knee! It’s homophobic! It’s anti-candle-lit vigil! It’s in violation of everything that Facebook cons us with! It’s inciting revisionist hatred! It’s inciting cancel-culture hatred! It’s everything I accuse others of, but which stares at me from my mirror! It’s liberal!” ~ a liberal

“It’s a red thing in a rectangle” ~ a recently graduated millennial-era student with a triple ‘A’ mark in all 45 subjects taken (which he did in a week, although his first language was Martian)

“I think its … “ {You have just been redirected to an article that tells you the truth about vaccination}

“It’s a vaccination passport with an inferiority complex who believes she has no friends” ~ the Dwarf from the North

“The last time I saw one of those I was working for The Guardian”~ an ‘it’ that is glad that ‘it’ no longer does

“What’s Green but got a satanic face?” ~ a Green Party MP

“Greenpeace 30 years on” ~ a pointless exercise

“You’ll never know the truth” ~ the UK media

“It could be a trick of the light?” ~ a world-leading virologist deplatformed for not towing the establishment line

“It’s the latest strain known as Sinoucret” ~ a WHO public health specialist with a developed sense of anagramism

“WHO?” ~ most likely

“WHAT FOR?” ~ don’t ask!

“WHERE?” ~ everywhere

“WHEN?” ~ never!

“Are you quite finished?” ~ No! Davos

[Answers supplied by an anonymous cohort of public health specialists and Big Pharma scientists handpicked by Establishment inc]

Light reading:

😁UK Lockdown Board Game
😂Exit Strategy ~ a new bored game
🤣Clueless! World Health Game

Mixing in Pubs & Home Illegal

Pubs and homes made illegal in four new coronavirus regions including Beatlesville

Health Secretry Mel Hotcock announced emergency lockdown changes for Beatlesville, Whoreington, Hilterpool and Mindlessborough as loss of common sense continues to surge

Health Secretry Mel Hotcock announced today that if you don’t live together, then you can’t mix together. From one minute past half-past three today, give or take thirty seconds, non-mixing, other than between consenting mixers in the same home, will be legally banned from mixing ~ which includes cakes and cement ~ in private homes, private gardens or indoor venues in the afore-named regions. Mixing in communal areas, on street corners, in air balloons, on the side of the Great North Road, or anywhere else where the police can’t catch you and fine you 200 quid, has been cited as a jolly good alternative to everyone moving in together and mixing willy-nilly.

Beatlesville and Whoreington already have laws in place to prevent people meeting in private homes, which has led to a lot of crowded doorsteps, and there is strict guidance about meeting in pubs and restaurants, although this has not affected the ‘lonely guy’ who sits on his own in the corner.

So, how does it work?

Do you really expect an answer?!

Offenders face £200 on-the-spot fines, which is bad news for exhibitionists who like to keep their curtains open. However, people who share a bubble car or have childcare needs are exempt, as are schools and workplaces, as it has been scientifically proven that coronavirus only targets non-home mixers and people in pubs and restaurants in groups of more than six.

However, mixing in parks or beer gardens, whilst breaking guidance but not the law, is acceptable, as long as there is only six of you. What to do with the seventh is not clear but will suit some who are having an affair and want to get rid of the wife or return to those good old days at school where bullying by exclusion is a veritable institution. No government advice has been forthcoming about getting into beer gardens if going to pubs is made illegal, but by parachute is not illegal providing you drop in no more than six at a time. Anymore will break guidance rules but not necessarily the law.

Not attending sports matches is recommended, and no more than six players are allowed on the field at any one time, providing that they are living together and observing the one-metre distancing rule. {The FA, RFU and England and Wales Cricket Board were all available for comment, but we simply dare not publish what they had to say. Here is a hint: the FA said FA, the RFU said FU and the England and Wales Cricket Board cried middle wicket and bails.}

Mixing in pubs & home illegal

Good news! You can visit care homes, but only in ‘exceptional circumstances’ (whatever they are?) but take care not to break ‘non-essential’ travel rules. If you must travel then it is possibly best not to, unless you are a celeb whose star is fading fast and is desperate for publicity, whether good or bad. Of course, travelling to work or school 60 to a bus, or packed like sardines in a rail carriage, is quite permissible.

Stop press (and mixing!): We understand that local authorities in the four areas effected will be given £7 million, but we have not been told why? Do they know something we don’t? And who is going on holiday?

A Labour MP for Mindlessborough made a completely silly statement about mixing being the ‘root cause’ of everything ~ and no one listened to him, and probably won’t vote for him again. And the mayor of Mindlessborough, smitten suddenly by what the Daily Shunter described as another mysterious symptom of coronavirus, told the government to go and do one.

The introduction of a new ‘traffic light’ system, whilst it may not have the slightest chance of ending the confusion, will, it is confidently believed, add substantially to the confusion that already exists, and, besides, it just sounds good.

The three tier system, which will be applied to towns and cities according to all sorts of things — ie tier 1 very tight restrictions; tier 2 not so tight restrictions; tier 3 restrictions about as tight as a pair of pants with no elastic — have come under fire from people who just don’t get it ~ or haven’t got it yet ~ with Liebour questioning whether people in tier 1 and 2 towns will simply flout non-essential travel bans, drive to tier 1 towns and move in with other people — a ‘highly likely’ scenario (thank you Mrs May) if the pubs are open late.

Mixing in pubs & home illegal

Concern that the new pub curfew is piling people onto public transport at the same time — where social distancing is impossible to adhere to, non-essential travel questionable (what’s the point of going home where you can only mix with people you don’t want to) and where you can be fined £200 for mixing in an indoor venue, ie a bus — has invoked the logic that if there was no curfew people could just enjoy themselves and catch coronavirus in the pub instead of on the buses, or could easily catch it later were the pubs to close at normal times.

Liberal activists have accused the government of discrimination, arguing that in deciding where and when the public can and cannot catch coronavirus is a clear violation of virus’ rights.

So far there has been no legislation to combat the allegation that coronavirus is selectively racist or that the virus places men more at risk of fatality than women. It is hoped, however, that if the first finding leads to riots, that riot mixes will be limited to crowds of six, preferably from the same household. The government has already taken the precaution of hiding all statues behind giant face masks. As for the man thing, any suggestion that the virus could be sexist has been effectively dealt with under the Positive Discrimination Act.

Whilst everyone should do their utmost to obey the letter of the law ~ known by most as the ‘C’ rate ~ the public are advised to beware of scams, such as where policemen disguised as policemen try to fine you 200 quid.

Remember, there is a subtle difference between breaking the guidelines and breaking the law (200 quids worth of subtlety), but one thing the government has not made clear (amongst the many other things) is whether breaking wind is exempt or not, but laughing about it certainly is, unless you are breaking wind with others in your own household group, where, after several months of lockdown, it has probably ceased to be funny.

In summary, what we think, but don’t know exactly, is now happening in the four areas:

What was previously lockdown is now more lockdown than previously
Previously you could be breaking guidance, but now you can break the law instead (£200 please)
Previously it was illegal to mix with people in private homes and gardens, now we are all related and have much larger extended families
You can go to the pub with everyone from the same household with whom you have been rowing and getting on each other’s nerves for months, but if you mix with others, such as the man or woman behind the bar, you risk a fine of £200
You can mix in parks or beer gardens if there is no more than six of you, but the government advises against it in case the man sweeping up leaves or the girl collecting the beer glasses gets too close, thus making it seven people (£200 please!)
Exemptions for people in bubble cars, saying that they are childcare supporters, or working from home in pubs or parks must not look like MPs or else they will have to resign
Non-essential travel, which does not include trips to the outside toilet where no more than six from the same household are allowed to congregate for fear of contracting a social stigma, is at ‘guidance’ stage, but just when you get used to it, it could suddenly change at half-past-four-and-a-half and become a criminal offence (£200 please)

If in doubt don’t be an amber gambler, consult the government’s traffic-light system!

Mixing in Pubs & Home Illegal ~ government's new traffic-light system

Red ~ you must not go anywhere or do anything, but you must go to work

Amber ~ you can go somewhere, but we are not sure where, but if you go, go in sixes

Green ~ go now, and go quickly before the lights change to red!

*Photo credit

LOCKDOWN! NEW UK BOARD GAME …

*(Photo credit: kalhh / pixabay.com; https://www.freeimg.net/photo/339993/trafficlights-red-stop-lightsignal)

Will Life Change After Covid-19?

There are lies, damned lies and statistics

Britons think life will change dramatically after COVID-19 ~ but they are not sure why or why they said it

Published: 6 June 2020

The world will never be the same as it was when it wasn’t, and many Britons would not want things to go back the way they were before they weren’t, ie before coronavirus when they had to go to work, a survey for No Real News has revealed.

Will Life Change After Covid-19?

Coronavirus has been a confusing experience, not least because in lockdown many people found themselves in the park, driving to places where they ought not to go ~ especially should their spouse find out or if they worked for the government ~ and sometimes arriving in Skegness when they least felt capable of explaining why.

A lot of people suspect that far from separating them from family, friends and loved ones, coronavirus has brought them closer together. This is particularly true for those people who visited their family more just because they were told that they should not, and for people living 45 to a house who know what it is like to travel to the UK in a very small boat.

The survey has done all sorts of funny things to those who took part in it, from people saying that they will never have to commute again to shops being a thing of the past. However, more than a third thought that this was wishful thinking, particularly those who sell on eBoot, and a large percentage of the same group predicted foreign holidays would be abandoned for a day out on a grass verge at the side of the M25.

Life After Covid-19 ~ the post-coronavirus world — The post-coronavirus world

Zoom & Skype: what are the symptoms?

85% concluded that they would not miss socialising by Zoom and Skype, because they did not know what these were, and the remaining 25% knew that they had them but were still learning how to turn them off or, conversely, how to turn their computers on ~ the latter group tended to be in the baby-boomer range, 50 to 65 year olds, who would rather be down the pub.

A recent poll by WeBelieveYou for Pie in the Sky found that 70% believed that life would be so different that nothing would be the same as it was when they weren’t drinking, whilst only 15%, those returning to work, thought that the only change would be their underpants.

A majority, 2%, ardently wished that they had done better at maths at school. Of this group, 30% said they would like the world to be different, but they did not know how, and the remainder believed that the world they have helped to shape would have been very different indeed had they gone to school instead of mugging people.

‘… but you don’t know what you’ve got ’till it’s gone’

By far the largest ‘world changers’ were those who remembered how better life was before social engineering. 45% of these claimed they were building a TARDIS, whilst 25% thought they ought to be quiet, as they wanted their company pension, many of which are police officers.

Asked what they thought they were supposed to say is the most important issue the world must face when Covid-19 is over, only 10% cited tackling future pandemics as they liked staying at home, 78% said climate change ~ particularly in England where it rains too much ~ and less than half of the number you originally thought of then doubled hadn’t got a clue or couldn’t give a flying f!*? ~ and the greatest percentage of these were university students.

Sorting out terrorism had sunk to an all-time low of 1.5%, possibly due to the fact that no one goes out anymore or, alternatively, that the figure is a false one, and the controversial subject of migration and refugees was odds on favourite depending on Brexit going ahead and Dominic Cummings keeping his job. However, a second poll by TurnLeft for PC UK, put this figure on 1% and noted that within this group 95% were fascists and the remaining 5% waiting to be labelled as such.

{At this point articles of this nature typically run out of anything new to say, so they start repeating themselves in order to create more space around which to wrap their advertisements. But we will buck (yes, I said buck) the trend:}

75% of people who think, think that after the pandemic there will be no change there, then; of those who don’t think, 50% were demonstrating and the remaining 50% were having difficulty fitting the words of their slogans onto their cardboard banners; all were defying calls for social distancing, prompting one sociologist, who has never had a proper job, to suggest that this might be their penultimate demo, the last targeting a government conspiracy where certain groups are incited to demonstrate to ensure that they get coronavirus (source: Mr Anonymous, Antifart).

The majority of people thought this last comment spot-on, with a fictional majority invented by the press admitting they were demonstrating but had never left their house. There were signs, however, that some of this group had changed their name to Short and others to Cummings.

Will Life Change After Covid-19?: Conclusion

In conclusion, of those polled 75% who think things will change significantly believe that they will probably change their minds later and of that there is no doubt.

Of those not polled, 100% wondered why, as they don’t agree with any of this.

The majority of an unspecified group had grandparents who sat on Skegness beach for 20 years waiting for the tide to return from Calais whilst wearing a knotted hanky and eating fish and chips.

And everyone, including the world and somebody else’s wife, had not a shadow of a doubt, because they never went into that part of town and always looked behind them, that after the pandemic the magnitude shift away from trusting what the media said to relying on notes in Christmas crackers would eventually lead to no more bullshit.

100% and the rest of the world could not stop applauding this!