{"id":1514,"date":"2020-06-12T13:35:02","date_gmt":"2020-06-12T13:35:02","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/expatkaliningrad.com\/?p=1514"},"modified":"2020-06-12T18:20:01","modified_gmt":"2020-06-12T18:20:01","slug":"statues-that-cause-offense","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/expatkaliningrad.com\/ru\/statues-that-cause-offense\/","title":{"rendered":"Statues that cause offence"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>\n

Offensive Statues of the UK<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

The UK Guide to Offensive Statues Handbook<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Published: 12 June 2020<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The UK Guide to Offensive Statues Handbook<\/em>, not to be confused with Enoch Powell\u2019s biography, is the Who\u2019s Who of offensive statues in the UK ~ a must for the Statuephobic!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The first publication of its kind to provide a comprehensive list of UK statues that should have been torn down before they were built, the \u2018Rioter\u2019s bible to statue destruction\u2019, as the Gardroomism<\/em> refers to it, has been cunningly contrived to give maximum exposure, even to those statues that are wearing trousers, to every statue known to ITs in the UK. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Statues that cause offence<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

This handy pocket-sized booklet, that fits conveniently into the crutch piece of a pair of cheap synthetic jogging bottoms, bright pink trainers, the inside of your hoody and\/or the cargo pockets of your camo trousers, without interfering with your weapons or statue-dismantling tools but at the same time guaranteeing an impressive bulge in all the right places, pinpoints with satellite precision the exact whereabouts of statues that are just asking to be defaced, desecrated, daubed with paint or thrown symbolically into strange places . <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The book gives all the vital statistics ~ of Shanice , the editor ~ and also those of the individual statues, along with visibility profile, material construction, nearby rivers and lakes, whether or not the local police station has been rehoused in Martin\u2019s the newsagents across the road and the exact locations of CCTV ~ essential information for all those who have nothing better to do than to get themselves recorded on film looking stupid for posterity as they grapple with a lump of stone or bronze (how future generations will laugh!)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There is also a splendid appendices for those statue\nmolesters who prefer to do their statue attacks at night, showing the location\nof street lamps, and advising you on where to buy miners helmets with lamps on\ntop for maximum hands-free statue removing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Offensive Statues of the UK <\/h3>\n\n\n\n

What makes this book most appealing to statue destructors is its unique Tossability analytics paradigm (width x height x length x weight) assessed against the number of men, women, Its or Others that will be required to uproot each statue and run away with it down the street. By measuring the height of the wall over which you are going to throw it, you can then apply the Tossability calculator, which will give you, the Tossers, the exact number of Tossers needed to toss, together with elevation, lift, and trajectory parameters. Don\u2019t forget that before attempting this exercise each group should appoint a Chief Tosser. This is a legal requirement of Health & Safety (you wouldn\u2019t want to break the law now, would you?).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

An original feature of this book is the statue\u2019s subject Checklist! A list of politically incorrect offenses: an A~Z and back (provided in 33 ethnic languages, including Welsh) of documented, suspected and thoroughly bogus politically correct offences from which statue-shifters can choose to justify acts of vandalism (You will need these when interviewed by the liberal left media and as a Get Out of Jail Free card in the unlikely event that any one dare to arrest you and take you to liberal left court.).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The checklist lists all the main offenses that statues can\ncommit:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2733Racism<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2733 Sexism<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2733 Homophobia<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2733 Xenophobia<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2733 Inciting Racial\/Religious Hatred<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2733 Too few women in the board room<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2733 LGBT It & Other issues                   <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2733 Fox Hunting<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2733 Being Heterosexual<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2733 Watching Black & White Films<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2733 Thinking the B.B.C. stands for something else<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2733 Starring in Gone With The Wind<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2733 Having an Auntie who lives in Virginia <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(add others as necessary)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Where can I get a copy of The UK Guide to Offensive\nStatues Handbook<\/em>?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In spite of all efforts to the contrary, the police force has not yet been abolished and never will be, which explains why the Handbook has a limited print run and a high pulpability probability. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The good news is, however, that the manual <\/s>personual is half-price x 2 to P.R.I.Cs. (Political Representatives of Immigration Councils). It is not necessary to be a PRIC but having a P.I.S.S. (Politically Incorrect Sensibility Status) and being a D.I.C.K (Director of the Institute of Chartered Knuckleheads) qualifies you to three free copies, and DICK Heads, those of you who are career statue removers, can apply, when you learn to spell, for lifetime membership.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Statue Heavers Institute & Trades Executive (S.H.I.T.E.) members, on presentation of their Antifa credentials (a blank piece of paper with no C.S.Es), receive a number of loyalty benefits, including  a handy Get out of Jail Free card; a free holiday in a place where statues have never been heard of; medical insurance for groin sprains and ruptures (statues are heavy!); riot loyalty points; and discounts on licensed products, such as blank sweatshirts with statues removed from the front and your name and doss house address on the back; back-to-front hoodies (the ultimate in unrecognisability); and a free introductory course on banner etiquette at SHITE\u2019s headquarters in Brixton,  which includes how to spell and how to hold your banner the right way up and the right way round (IQ Test not required).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Our sisters\u2019 publication, Offensive Statues of the Deep\nAmerican South<\/em>, is available from Lee\u2019s General Stores, Confederate Street,\nAlobama ~ but hurry, as there are not many left!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

More in the series of Our Guaranteed to Offend publications\nfrom PC Press include:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u26d4 Offensive Painters & Paintings<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u26d4 Offensive Authors & Books<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u26d4 Offensive Poets & Poetry<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u26d4 Offensive Architects and their Offensive Buildings<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\ud83d\uded0Offensive things that are waiting to be discovered which we will pull down later (in association with Craven Govt Publications<\/em>)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"Statues
\u201cThen they came for me, and by that time no one was left to speak up\u201d
(Photo credit: Sarah Brink<\/a> on Unsplash<\/a>; https:\/\/unsplash.com\/photos\/TZyEMoSB9Tw) <\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Further writings of a Statuesque nature<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Watching the Riots on TV<\/a>
Life without a Television Licence<\/a>
Will Life Change After Covid-19<\/a>
<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Copyright [Text] \u00a9 2018-2020 Mick Hart. All rights reserved.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Offensive Statues of the UK The UK Guide to Offensive Statues Handbook Published: 12 June 2020 The UK Guide to Offensive Statues Handbook, not to be confused with Enoch Powell\u2019s biography, is the Who\u2019s Who of offensive statues in the UK ~ a must for the Statuephobic! The first publication of its kind to provide […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_themeisle_gutenberg_block_has_review":false,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[69],"tags":[455,458,457,456,454],"class_list":["post-1514","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-meanwhile-in-the-uk","tag-offensive-statues-in-the-uk","tag-political-correctness-uk","tag-riots-and-statues","tag-statue-vandals","tag-statues-that-cause-offense"],"aioseo_notices":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":1552,"url":"https:\/\/expatkaliningrad.com\/ru\/statue-erections-matter-uk\/","url_meta":{"origin":1514,"position":0},"title":"Statue Erections Matter UK","author":"Captain Codpiece","date":"15 \u0438\u044e\u043d\u044f, 2020","format":false,"excerpt":"An Address on Statue Erection in the UK by Chief Police Officer Raymond Ironside for CricketDick County, North Dorsetshire Published: 15 June 2020 KeyfactsVenue: The Village HallIn attendance: 7 people (The Chief of Police, His Auntie (from Virginia) and something else that could not fully decide on which box to\u2026","rel":"","context":"\u0412 "Meanwhile in the UK"","block_context":{"text":"Meanwhile in the UK","link":"https:\/\/expatkaliningrad.com\/ru\/category\/meanwhile-in-the-uk\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/expatkaliningrad.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/06\/Policeman-resized.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/expatkaliningrad.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/06\/Policeman-resized.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/expatkaliningrad.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/06\/Policeman-resized.jpg?resize=525%2C300&ssl=1 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/expatkaliningrad.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/06\/Policeman-resized.jpg?resize=700%2C400&ssl=1 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/expatkaliningrad.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/06\/Policeman-resized.jpg?resize=1050%2C600&ssl=1 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":5442,"url":"https:\/\/expatkaliningrad.com\/ru\/colston-woke-statue-4-scratch-the-itch-of-history\/","url_meta":{"origin":1514,"position":1},"title":"Colston Woke Statue 4 Scratch the Itch of History","author":"Captain Codpiece","date":"14 \u044f\u043d\u0432\u0430\u0440\u044f, 2022","format":false,"excerpt":"Woke up children! 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