{"id":842,"date":"2020-03-24T20:10:29","date_gmt":"2020-03-24T20:10:29","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/expatkaliningrad.com\/?p=842"},"modified":"2022-04-12T16:49:10","modified_gmt":"2022-04-12T14:49:10","slug":"brits-upend-social-distancing","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/expatkaliningrad.com\/ru\/brits-upend-social-distancing\/","title":{"rendered":"Brits Upend Social Distancing"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>\n

A Brother Calls<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Published: 24 March 2020<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was\nsitting here, the sun pouring through the window, a beautiful clear blue sky\ncurving over Kaliningrad, the calming and civilised sound of a lawnmower\nbuzzing leisurely in the background reminding me of those halcyon days, which\nseem so long ago now, when we used to go outside without a protective suit on,\nwhen suddenly the telephone rang. It was my brother.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(I don\u2019t mean the telephone was my brother, I mean it was him ringing me.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brits Upend Social Distancing<\/a><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Joss:\nHello, how are you? No persistent cough, high temperature, real or imaginary?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Me: Not\nthat I know of.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Joss: Well,\nas old Uncle Son used to say \u201cIt\u2019s a real bugaroota, isn\u2019t it?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Me: What\nis? You ringing and disturbing me?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Joss: Nah,\nthis corona thing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Me: Not\ngood for lemonade sales.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Joss: Did you see on Google all those W\u2026..s going to Skegness and the Lake District after <\/em>being told not to?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I affirmed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Joss: What\na bunch of Twats!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Me: Yes, it\ndoes make you think that we\u2019ve probably got more Twats in the UK to the square\nfoot than anywhere else in the world.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Joss:\nThat\u2019s about right. There\u2019s no chance of social distancing in the UK ~ every\nsquare foot is occupied. But why Skegness?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Me: What?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Joss: Why\nSkeggy? I can understand why Twats go to the Lake District, but what is\nSkegness all about? Even people who live in Skegness don\u2019t go to Skegness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Me: I used\nto love going there as a child.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Joss:\nUnderstandable. It was English in Victorian times and dad\u2019s Superminx only knew\ntwo destinations: Skeggy or Heacham.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Me: Perhaps\nthat\u2019s the answer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Joss: Ay?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Me: If\nBritish Twats won\u2019t self-isolate as advised they should all be made to drive\nSuperminxes. They wouldn\u2019t get very far.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Joss: And\nin trying they\u2019d probably die of embarrassment ~ and then where would\ncoronavirus be?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Me: I\u2019m\nsure the embarrassment factor of a Superminx would be far more effective than a\nplastic protective suit.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Joss: A\nsort of Superminx Embarrassment Vaccine.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Me: Imagine a whole world flying around in Superminxes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Joss: The American version would be twice the size of everyone else\u2019s,\nand the Super Deluxe model would have extra-large fins.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Me: What about the Russian version?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Joss: That would be the new Comrade 7. Window wipers as optional extras\nand a Lada-look to the front headlights.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Me: Do you think Mr Putin would invest in one?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Joss: [pause whilst thinking] Hmmm, yes. He would have the top of the\nrange Superminx Kremlin, complete with manly grid and a perfect \u2018no-nonsense\nfrom anybody\u2019 masculine appeal, which the West would be very jealous of.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Me: I get it. The Daily Mail<\/em> would write things about its\nmilitary look and The Guardian<\/em> would say it was sexist.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Joss: Something like that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Me: Anyway, I see that UKers have gone from being potential\nself-isolators to lockdownees.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Joss: Pity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Me: Why?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Joss: I was going to suggest, as your wife is on Arsebook, that you\ncould do your bit by setting up an Arsebook group.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Me: How\u2019s that?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Joss: A \u2018name and shame\u2019 page. You could call it SSBT.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Me: Which means?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Joss: Spot the Selfish British Twat. Arsebook is full of wingers and\nwhiners. They would be only too pleased to identify bonzos who are flouting\nsocial distancing advice and slap their mugs on social media.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Me: All is not lost. Watch out for media headlines about\nanti-lockdowners, counter-lockdowners championing civil liberties in defiance\nof draconian laws conspiratorially ushered in to advance the fascist agenda.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Joss: Who?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Me: You know, Farcet. It\u2019s that small place near Peterborough.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Joss: I know the off-licence there.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Me: That\u2019s the one. We called in there a few months ago and I said <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Joss: Ahh, you said, \u2018do you get the impression that everybody is\ngawping at us?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Me: And you said, \u2018Yes. They don\u2019t hear many people speaking English\nhere\u2019.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Joss: How\u2019s your Russian coming along?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Me: She\u2019s fine.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Joss: I mean your language?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Me: More foul than usual. Something to do with Google News.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Joss: And the cat?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Me: He swears back at me, in Russian: \u2018meeowskee!!\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A sudden muffled noise.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Me: What happened there?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Joss: I lost my phone among the bog rolls.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Me: Better let you get off then. You always did suffer from a laxative\npersonality.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Joss: Nice talking to you, too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"
Skegness on a Selfish British Twat Lockdown Day. More how it should be than how it was.
(photo credit: ianna Calvo<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0from\u00a0<\/em>Pexels<\/strong> <\/em>)<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Brits Upend Social Distancing<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

A Brother Calls Published: 24 March 2020 I was sitting here, the sun pouring through the window, a beautiful clear blue sky curving over Kaliningrad, the calming and civilised sound of a lawnmower buzzing leisurely in the background reminding me of those halcyon days, which seem so long ago now, when we used to go […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_themeisle_gutenberg_block_has_review":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[69],"tags":[227,225,229,226,228],"class_list":["post-842","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-meanwhile-in-the-uk","tag-brits-ignore-self-isolation","tag-brits-upend-social-distancing","tag-calling-kaliningrad","tag-selfish-british-twats","tag-telephone-call-kaliningrad"],"aioseo_notices":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":3554,"url":"https:\/\/expatkaliningrad.com\/ru\/czech-recipe-beer-in-kaliningrad\/","url_meta":{"origin":842,"position":0},"title":"Czech Recipe Beer in Kaliningrad","author":"Captain Codpiece","date":"26 \u0430\u043f\u0440\u0435\u043b\u044f, 2021","format":false,"excerpt":"Mick Hart\u2019s totally biased review of bottled beers* in Kaliningrad (or how to live without British real ale!) 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