{"id":884,"date":"2020-03-31T20:10:21","date_gmt":"2020-03-31T20:10:21","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/expatkaliningrad.com\/?p=884"},"modified":"2020-04-25T18:53:59","modified_gmt":"2020-04-25T18:53:59","slug":"trapped-indoors-with-the-media","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/expatkaliningrad.com\/ru\/trapped-indoors-with-the-media\/","title":{"rendered":"Trapped Indoors with the Media"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>\n

Claptrap ~ It’s Contagious!<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Published: 31 March 2020<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You\ncould call it an \u2018occupational hazard\u2019 of social distancing and self-isolating,\nor, alternatively, you could refer to it as a resulting and highly unpleasant\nside-effect ~ syndrome would be good ~ this inexplicable urge not only to go\ncap in hand to the media to corroborate your worst fears about today\u2019s news\nbut, in a moment of vulnerability, to backtrack, to see what gems of wisdom you\nmay have missed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"Trapped
(Photo credit: <\/em>https:\/\/spankingart.org\/wiki\/File:AK_13024160_gr_1.jpg<\/a> <\/em>)<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Trapped inside with the media<\/a><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

And\nso it was that I discovered this article from that most august of media outlets\nThe Guardian. <\/em>The headline ran, \u2018For some people, social distancing\nmeans being trapped indoors with an abuser\u2019.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\nthought crikey, I am not reading that! I mean, I know they are anti-vanilla,\nbut raspberry ripple across the backside by a fierce femdom dominatrix, not\ngood advice if you are self-isolating. OK if you are your own abuser. You could\nchase yourself around the house and call yourself name\u2019s, like fascist for\nexample, whilst spanking yourself with a wet lettuce leaf. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

But\nno, self-arselating is not for me. The butter paddles in the blanket box? I\u2019m a\ncollector, you see. I collect obsolete things, such as butter paddles,\nhandcuffs, old school canes, liberalism ~ that sort of thing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

And I have a friend. That is a friend, by the way, not a \u2018friend\u2019. And he reads things that I would never read ~ not even if they paid me. And he told me that in most cases the abuser turns out to be a thick-set wife with her hair in curlers, wearing a florid apron, with all-in-wrestlers arms crossed (she\u2019s modern, she\u2019s got tats) whilst brandishing a rolling pin. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Her little henpecked husband, who has a thumbprint on his head and looks as if he has just been spanked with The Guardian<\/em> (have a care! ~ if you look too closely you\u2019ll see the newsprint!), grovels at her feet (she\u2019s modern, she\u2019s wearing building contractor\u2019s boots) as his female abuser looks down at him (lovely!), whilst saying: \u201cYou will not go the pub!!\u201d He replies, helplessly, \u201cI can\u2019t anyway, Boris has closed them all!\u201d \u201cThat\u2019s no excuse,\u201d she roars, so loudly in fact that her false teeth escape self-isolation, adding \u201cAnd stay away from him [Boris]. What sort of man would force husband and wife, husband and husband, it and other (she almost runs out of breath at this point, but not quite), to stay at home together!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Phheew, I thought, and thanked my friend for warning me. Its enough to give some the willies. I started to look elsewhere, I mean for something to read in the media.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I skipped over the barrage of complaints about Trump saying something in Chinese. It seems that the only language he can\u2019t speak is liberal, and arrived at a comment by the Indie (Windy or Indian?) relating to Nigel Furrage. He is, it seems, a \u2018revolting racist\u2019. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I clicked on the site and read beyond the first headline, it said, quite surprisingly: \u2018Just joking we have to say things like this about this very nice man because he kicked our ass and delivered BREXIT in spite of our covert attempts to torpedo him.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ha! Ha! Sorry, that is not quite true. The onsite headline was: \u2018Over the years, it\u2019s become a widely acknowledged truth of British politics that there\u2019s not many situations Nigel Farage won\u2019t manage to use for his own political gain.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Of course, with a little bit of editing: \u2018Over the years, it\u2019s become a widely acknowledged truth of British politics that there\u2019s not many situations the Liberal media won\u2019t manage for their own political gain\u2019.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I decided enough was enough. It was either flick through an old copy of The<\/em> Beano<\/em> and read Dennis the Menace (his father was always spanking Dennis\u2019 bum with a slipper, but political correctness stopped all that) or put on a policeman\u2019s uniform and shout abusive things at myself through the letterbox.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cEvenin\u2019 all!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Copyright \u00a9 2018-2020 Mick Hart. All rights reserved.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Claptrap ~ It’s Contagious! Published: 31 March 2020 You could call it an \u2018occupational hazard\u2019 of social distancing and self-isolating, or, alternatively, you could refer to it as a resulting and highly unpleasant side-effect ~ syndrome would be good ~ this inexplicable urge not only to go cap in hand to the media to corroborate […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_themeisle_gutenberg_block_has_review":false,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[69],"tags":[249,248,247,245,246],"class_list":["post-884","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-meanwhile-in-the-uk","tag-liberal-media","tag-nigel-farage","tag-self-abuse","tag-trapped-inside-with-an-abuser","tag-trapped-inside-with-the-media"],"aioseo_notices":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":1213,"url":"https:\/\/expatkaliningrad.com\/ru\/uk-coronavirus-hypochondria-day\/","url_meta":{"origin":884,"position":0},"title":"UK Coronavirus Hypochondria Day","author":"Captain Codpiece","date":"3 \u043c\u0430\u044f, 2020","format":false,"excerpt":"It\u2019s a great time to be a hypochondriac It was reported today in The Indefensible that the British Government is considering introducing a new public holiday. 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