It’s a great time to be a hypochondriac
It was reported today in The Indefensible that the British Government is considering introducing a new public holiday. The new Bank (meltdown) holiday, proposed in recognition of the affect that the UK media’s ‘new symptoms articles’ have had on the national psyche during the coronavirus period, will be officially known as British Hypochondria Day. It is expected that the holiday will be ‘mobile’ and only staged in times of epidemic and pandemic outbreaks.
In anticipation of people staying at home, The Skegness Pandemic Trust have organised a series of impromptu festivals that can be rolled out across the delightful backstreets of Skegness and in council flat parking lots, as and when required. Top billing will be by an extreme left-wing excuse for an entertainer, Rubber Band. There will also be a live band ~ if they still are, by the time you have broken social distancing rules. Tickets will be limited to the entire population of Great Brithead, but you will need a special self-isolating permit available from your local police station before setting out by charabanc, three to each seat.
The Foundation for Social Distancing, which has a staff of six experts who operate from a phone box in Scunthorpe, were not available for comment ~ and possibly never will be (for further information please contact the Co-op Chapel of Rest on Whitehall 1212*, options 3, option 6, option 9, please hold, I’m sorry all our representatives are helping themselves to the feeble excuse that they have other clients (calls at the new national rate cost £2 a minute); alternatively, further information can never be obtained online at www.crappywebsite.gordblessyu_guv.co.ok; or via our Chat service (please note you will always be 81st in the queue and sat there all day, ‘Hello, my name is Ogbog Muggeridiamin.”); the book Understanding Pigeon English is available free of charge when you leave us your bank details; alternatively please telephone the Samaritans on 116 123).
*Please note that calls to this number are monitored for quality and training purposes, which basically means that since we are so inept at our job we expect to receive a lot of verbal abuse from you, so we let you know that we are recording you as part of a national terror campaign that undermines any rights that you naively think you might have.
Reading to take your mind off coronavirus
UK Media Coronavirus Symptom Circus
Coronavirus New Speech Symptom
Trapped Indoors with the Media
Panic Buying Shelves Empty
Copyright [Text] © 2018-2020 Mick Hart. All rights reserved.