UK New Measures - Expat in Kaliningrad, Russia

How to tell The New Normal from your elbow

Published: 16 May 2020

It isn’t rocket science ~ it’s worse! The New Normal is The Totally Abnormal which is nothing like The Old Normal which once was just Normal but hasn’t been normal since Social Engineering. Think of it as Virtual Normality.

This article, which I am sure was titled a week ago ‘The New Normal’ is now ‘new measures’, which just goes to show how quickly The New Normal can mutate, a bit like … (sorry!)

Let’s look at what The New Normal (sorry ~ sorry for apologising; I’m beginning to sound like the UK police force or UK Police Forced {ie, as in forced into apologising}).

Let’s look at some of the salient points of the ‘new measures’* and see what we can make of them “Yippee, I’ve made a face mask out of it!”:

The New Normal

“Can I meet friends and relatives?”

Answer: Sadly, yes. But you can still be anti-social, as the rules state that you must keep 2 metres apart, which is bad news for the incestuous.

“The government has said it will impose higher fines for people who break social distancing rules.”

Note: But don’t worry, the police will no doubt be accused of fining you wrongly and nothing less than a written apology looks good in a frame on your living-room wall.

“Can I exercise more?”

A: You are probably hoping that the answer to this is no. But don’t worry, it’s so complicated that you couldn’t find a better excuse for not exercising at all, except, of course, for lockdown.

“Activities such as golf, angling and tennis are permitted, but only alone …”

Note: The idea of angling alone is absurd.

“If you do exercise with someone you don’t live with, remember social distancing rules still apply.”

Note: This is particularly important if the ‘someone you don’t live with’ is a euphemism along with ‘exercise’.

“Households are also able to drive to other destinations in England – such as parks and beaches. But they should not travel to Wales …”

Note: Phheeww, well that’s good news.

“Should I go back to my workplace and how will I get there?”

A: If your workplace has moved and you haven’t been told where, then you can safely assume that your employers are trying to tell you something.

“But the government says those who can’t work from home should travel to their work if it is open.”

A: And if it is not?

“What if I go into other people’s homes to work?”

A: If you are a career burglar the rules state that you should wear gloves as well a face mask.

“Can I move home?”

A: In theory yes, but you had better hurry up about it as estate agents are telling everyone that a housing crash is on its way. Strange that?

“Anyone who has already bought a new home can visit it to prepare it for moving in.”

Note: The opposite to this would be hard to get your head around.

“What about childminders, nannies and nurseries?”

A: Exactly!

“When will schools and universities return?”

A: To how they used to be before the other virus, the social one ~ which began shortly after WWII? Possibly never. It’s a controversial issue, but don’t worry you can bet that the Teacher’s Unions will make it simpler.

“Meanwhile, there is uncertainty over whether students will be able to go to university in person …”

Note: For many, this should improve their exam grades no end.

When can I go High Street shopping again?

A: It’s a difficult one, but when you understand when you can, then you can.

What about hairdressers, pubs and cafes?

A: Another difficult question to answer. And one to ponder on with unkempt hair, cheap plonk from Lidl’s and no full English breakfast.

What about flying into and out of the UK?

A: The question that makes self-isolating, lockdown, social distancing, wearing masks, staying alert and new normal irrelevant “. A two-week quarantine period for people arriving in the UK will be introduced.” (But nobody is saying when). “People from The Republic of Ireland and France will be exempt”. (Ahh, so they obviously haven’t got the virus). “If international travellers cannot say where they plan to self-isolate for 14 days, they will have to do so in accommodation arranged by the government.” (I see a ‘Rights’ problem brewing). “The trade body Airlines UK says the introduction of a quarantine-period would, in effect, ‘kill air travel’.” (R.I.P.). “All passengers are advised to remain 2m (6ft) apart wherever possible.” “Heathrow boss John Holland-Kaye says social distancing at airports is ‘physically impossible’. EasyJet has said it plans to leave middle seats empty, but Ryanair boss Michael O’Leary says this would be ‘idiotic’.” (An insane scream off stage …).

Coming soon, my next articles: How to kick the flying habit and save the world and Avoid beauty spots by going to Heacham or Skegness

Old measures, New Normal

Source of reference:
*https://www.bbc.com/news/explainers-52530518 (Accessed 16 May 2020)

Note: The information and opinions contained in this article ‘How to tell the new normal from your elbow’ are no substitute for commonsense. For information about What to Do & How to Go About It, consult government guidelines.

EXIT STRATEGY ~ Don’t leave home without one!