Category Archives: Meanwhile in the UK

MEANWHILE IN THE UK

Meanwhile in the UK by Mick Hart, an expat Englishman living in Kaliningrad. A category of the blog expatkaliningrad.com

Meanwhile in the UK is a category of my blog expatkaliningrad.com. At its inception, I had fully intended it to be a minor category, allowing me to comment from time to time on UK current affairs but mainly to include innocuous pieces of a nostalgic or historical nature pertaining to life in the UK, possibly more as it was then than as it is now, and then along came coronavirus which, as we know, changed everything. At the time of writing (3 June 2020), thanks to coronavirus, this category would appear to contain as many if not more posts than some of the categories that I had envisaged would be salient, with due deference to my Diary category (2019/2020) which, again influenced by coronavirus, has expanded through my ‘Diary of a Self-isolator’ articles, a series that focuses specifically on Covid-19 in the Kaliningrad region and how the legal rules and social obligations enacted here to better control the virus have impacted our daily life.

MEANWHILE in the UK contains too many entries to preview in this category post, but as of 3 June 2020, the contents of this category comprise the following articles, arranged chronologically:

Independence Day: Freedom from the EU

Talking Wollocks

Dad’s Army by Roger Corman

Being British is Bliss

Chastised & Locked Down

A Brother Calls

Claptrap ~ It’s Contagious!

Coronavirus & Rights: an Unholy Alliance

Coronavirus warning: Speech impediment could be new dastardly coronavirus symptom

I don’t believe in could anymore

Self-isolating/Lockdown: Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

It’s a great time to be a hypochondriac

LOCKDOWN! ~ the game that everyone is talking about …

At least we can all die laughing

EXIT STRATEGY ~ a new bored game

How to tell The New Normal from your elbow

The Sorry State We Live In

Banners need a course in banners ~ and the rest

Clueless ~ a World Health Board Game

So, what are we to believe and how should we proceed?

Lockdown not working

[caption id="attachment_1339" align="alignnone" width="225"]

Hello! Hello! Hello![/caption] [caption id="attachment_1228" align="alignnone" width="300"] UK LOCKDOWN new board game

UK Lockdown ~ a new board game to take your mind off lockdown[/caption]

Meanwhile in the UK

I am aware that the tone and, indeed, the very composition of these pieces may not be to everybody’s taste. Quite obviously they are not supposed to be, so I shall not waste anybody’s time pretending that I feel in the least bit sorry about that. England is a great country ~ and the other chunks attached to it are not that bad either ~ BUT … (could this be an acronym for Britain Undermined Totally? Or is the only thing missing …TOCK?). He sang, didn’t he, ‘Let me take you by the hand I’ll lead you through the streets of London’. Well, yes, mainly London but also almost any and every UK city and town. Still, as the man who never deserved the Nobel Prize in Literature said (no, I am not referring to Obama, that was the Nobel Peace Prize, or Noble Appeasing Prize or something like that ~ but if the hoody fits, so to speak), ‘Times they are a-changing’. Let’s hope so, because for the UK at this present moment in time it is very much Paul McCartney, ‘Yesterday …’

A Sorry Police Force

The Sorry State We Live In

Published: 18 May 2020

Saying sorry all the time, whatever the situation and mostly when it is not necessary is an occupational hazard of being British ~ legacy British that is. It is like a virus (sorry!). We fail to open a door for someone: ‘Sorry!’; We pass by someone in a confined space: ‘Sorry!’; Someone says “excuse me”: ‘Sorry!’. We are forever saying sorry, even when we have nothing to be sorry for, except for feeling sorry for repeatedly saying ‘sorry’.

On a one-to-one basis this repetitive impediment warrants no further investigation than to apologise for it, but the words ‘warrant’ and ‘investigation’, two words which are almost always sorry-affiliated, invoke the question of what happens when saying ‘sorry’ becomes a matter of corporate policy, so rigorously underpinned and robustly enforced in an organisations Code of Practice that the organisation can no longer function efficiently?

The endemicity of this peculiarly British disease is so virulent, particularly as it relates to certain sections of the British establishment, that political commentators have dubbed it Institutional Sorryism.

Take the British Police Force, for example, which is accused of almost every institutionalism going. No matter what it does and how it does it, British plod, both at institutional and on a personal level, is constantly forced to apologise (is that what the ‘Force’ in ‘British Police Force’ means?)

A Sorry Police Force. Mick in his helmet. — **SORRY ABOUT THIS HELMET!**

The most recent case of sorryitis concerns the misapplication of police powers under the new Coronavirus Act, the emergency laws introduced to enforce restrictions to limit movement. Apparently, enshrined in these laws is the lawful whisking off of people whom the police suspect are infected with Covid-19, the art, science and inherent flaws of which have led to at least one legal beagle condemning such acts as ‘shocking’ and denouncing our boys in blue for ‘over-zealous policing’. Now, if you are one of many hapless Britons who have suffered to have been mugged, have your car broken into and/or been burgled, you may be wondering what exactly ‘over-zealous policing’ is, but that is because apprehension like ‘shocking’ is reserved almost exclusively these days for human rights infringements, and yes, indeed, you’ve got it, the shocking in this instance is human rights related and the person being shocked a human rights lawyer.

Sorry for the over-zealous policing

Such ‘over-zealous policing’, the likes of which has not been seen since the days when stop and search was so effective, way back when before London acquired the dubious distinction of being the stab-fest capital of the world, has led to dozens of wrong convictions being quashed for which the police have duly apologised.

I’m sorry (saying sorry is so infectious! ~ er, sorry for using the word infectious), but what is not clear from these newspaper reports is where the wrongfully arrested were arrested? I am assuming that the police did not bust into people’s private bedrooms Sweeney style, guns drawn and polyester flared trousers sparking, shouting, “I am arresting you under the Emergency Covid-19 Act on suspicion of the illegal possession and distribution of coronavirus in contravention of the fact that even the world’s top scientists cannot agree on the symptoms”.

Even allowing for the mitigating plea of asymptomatica, I think we can presume that the arrests occurred in public places and as the arrestees were most likely contravening the social distancing rules, ie there was more than two people present, surely it would have been better to arrest them for that. But then what do I know? Sorry (there I go again), I am making about as much sense as a human rights’ lawyer. Sorry.

But even arresting people who are that unvanilla in their social intercourse preferences that they simply cannot kick the habit of indulging in threesomes or moresomes is not as straightforward as logic postulates and is certainly no excuse for not saying sorry.

A sorry State of affairs

I am fairly sure that I read somewhere, but I apologise if I didn’t, that 187 people were recently charged under the regulations that restrict movement and which prescribe that two’s company but three’s an illegal crowd. It turned out, however, that 12 of them were wrongly charged! Does this mean that the arresting officers did not have their specs on or that they thought they were arresting a group but it was, in fact, one man with a fat lady?

Whatever the excuse, it’s not good enough! We may be in the midst of a pandemic, the worst the world has encountered for over a century, but we will continue to gather socially in spite of laws made for our own protection, and should we be arrested we will accuse the police of all sorts of things (especially human right’s violations) and then demand an apology!

All this may be very satisfying for those who run around bleating ‘our police, police by consent’ but rather irksome for the police themselves as it so obviously undermines their authority and the ability to do their job (I don’t mean arresting people wrongly, but apologising abjectly), and we could hazard a not uncharitable guess that there are a lot of numpty heads out there who see this as a weakness just ripe for exploitation. The best example of this, and the silliest, was at a so-called lockdown celebration (sorry, I meant demonstration) when on being advised of his arrest the gentleman concerned, apart from shouting [police] ‘violence’, where there was not any, declared ‘I do not consent to my arrest’.

“He’aint dun nuthin’”, some female orator shouts.

“Well he should have done!” ~ where’s John Wayne when you need him?

At least someone could have issued an apology to someone!

Didn’t anybody have a template Sorry note among them?

A sorry police force

Compulsive Sorry Disorder is another virus, older than corona, that is running rampant in the UK. Its source is a litigious society in copulation with Over Accountability Syndrome, and no institution is ravished more by this perversion than our good old British Police Force.

Institutionalised Sorryism is making our police sound like a boy scout leader who has been caught doing something that he should not be doing in today’s society, such as being heterosexual, or a doctor to whom you have presented with an earache and he’s immediately asked you to drop your trousers.

We really do need to nip this apologising malarkey in the bud or, failing that, rename the Police Force the Polite Force.

I don’t pretend to know what it was Elton was doing, or what he was thinking of, when he wrote that song, Sorry seems to be the hardest word. Whatever it was he should have asked a policeman.

I apologise if I’ve offended anybody.

Sorry.

Coronavirus & Rights: an Unholy Alliance

How to tell The New Normal from your elbow

Published: 16 May 2020

It isn’t rocket science ~ it’s worse! The New Normal is The Totally Abnormal which is nothing like The Old Normal which once was just Normal but hasn’t been normal since Social Engineering. Think of it as Virtual Normality.

This article, which I am sure was titled a week ago ‘The New Normal’ is now ‘new measures’, which just goes to show how quickly The New Normal can mutate, a bit like … (sorry!)

Let’s look at what The New Normal (sorry ~ sorry for apologising; I’m beginning to sound like the UK police force or UK Police Forced {ie, as in forced into apologising}).

Let’s look at some of the salient points of the ‘new measures’* and see what we can make of them “Yippee, I’ve made a face mask out of it!”:

The New Normal

“Can I meet friends and relatives?”

Answer: Sadly, yes. But you can still be anti-social, as the rules state that you must keep 2 metres apart, which is bad news for the incestuous.

“The government has said it will impose higher fines for people who break social distancing rules.”

Note: But don’t worry, the police will no doubt be accused of fining you wrongly and nothing less than a written apology looks good in a frame on your living-room wall.

“Can I exercise more?”

A: You are probably hoping that the answer to this is no. But don’t worry, it’s so complicated that you couldn’t find a better excuse for not exercising at all, except, of course, for lockdown.

“Activities such as golf, angling and tennis are permitted, but only alone …”

Note: The idea of angling alone is absurd.

“If you do exercise with someone you don’t live with, remember social distancing rules still apply.”

Note: This is particularly important if the ‘someone you don’t live with’ is a euphemism along with ‘exercise’.

“Households are also able to drive to other destinations in England – such as parks and beaches. But they should not travel to Wales …”

Note: Phheeww, well that’s good news.

“Should I go back to my workplace and how will I get there?”

A: If your workplace has moved and you haven’t been told where, then you can safely assume that your employers are trying to tell you something.

“But the government says those who can’t work from home should travel to their work if it is open.”

A: And if it is not?

“What if I go into other people’s homes to work?”

A: If you are a career burglar the rules state that you should wear gloves as well a face mask.

“Can I move home?”

A: In theory yes, but you had better hurry up about it as estate agents are telling everyone that a housing crash is on its way. Strange that?

“Anyone who has already bought a new home can visit it to prepare it for moving in.”

Note: The opposite to this would be hard to get your head around.

“What about childminders, nannies and nurseries?”

A: Exactly!

“When will schools and universities return?”

A: To how they used to be before the other virus, the social one ~ which began shortly after WWII? Possibly never. It’s a controversial issue, but don’t worry you can bet that the Teacher’s Unions will make it simpler.

“Meanwhile, there is uncertainty over whether students will be able to go to university in person …”

Note: For many, this should improve their exam grades no end.

When can I go High Street shopping again?

A: It’s a difficult one, but when you understand when you can, then you can.

What about hairdressers, pubs and cafes?

A: Another difficult question to answer. And one to ponder on with unkempt hair, cheap plonk from Lidl’s and no full English breakfast.

What about flying into and out of the UK?

A: The question that makes self-isolating, lockdown, social distancing, wearing masks, staying alert and new normal irrelevant “. A two-week quarantine period for people arriving in the UK will be introduced.” (But nobody is saying when). “People from The Republic of Ireland and France will be exempt”. (Ahh, so they obviously haven’t got the virus). “If international travellers cannot say where they plan to self-isolate for 14 days, they will have to do so in accommodation arranged by the government.” (I see a ‘Rights’ problem brewing). “The trade body Airlines UK says the introduction of a quarantine-period would, in effect, ‘kill air travel’.” (R.I.P.). “All passengers are advised to remain 2m (6ft) apart wherever possible.” “Heathrow boss John Holland-Kaye says social distancing at airports is ‘physically impossible’. EasyJet has said it plans to leave middle seats empty, but Ryanair boss Michael O’Leary says this would be ‘idiotic’.” (An insane scream off stage …).

Coming soon, my next articles: How to kick the flying habit and save the world and Avoid beauty spots by going to Heacham or Skegness

Old measures, New Normal

Source of reference:
*https://www.bbc.com/news/explainers-52530518 (Accessed 16 May 2020)

Note: The information and opinions contained in this article ‘How to tell the new normal from your elbow’ are no substitute for commonsense. For information about What to Do & How to Go About It, consult government guidelines.

EXIT STRATEGY ~ Don’t leave home without one!

EXIT STRATEGY Board Game

EXIT STRATEGY ~ a new bored game

Published: 14 May 2020

Out in autumn 2020, or possibly sooner, such as the end of the world, is EXIT STRATEGY.

Not getting out enough? Then you need EXIT STRATEGY, one in a trilogy of games* by John Wankerson.

EXIT STRATEGY, a game of bluff, double-bluff, red-herrings and meat from a dubious source, has been described by The Onguardianism as ‘The Paradox of the century!’ It is a game of skill and confusion in which players pit themselves against liberal journalists who cannot seem to quite make up their mind if the social distancing rules are the start of a police state, an excuse for the police to overstretch themselves or a plot to become a mardy fascist whilst sitting at home in the armchair. The Indefensable confesses that EXIT STRATEGY is ‘the most consummate piece of obscurantism’ it has ever encountered since it redefined the word ‘independent’.

The rules are that there aren’t any. The object of the game is for somebody to find out what the object really is whilst flying around the games table in ever decreasing circles until you disappear up your own mask.

The winner is the first player to EXIT without wearing a pair of panties on two suspension loops over his ears* (patent applied for).

Whether you are a lard-arse who has overdone the comfort eating whilst self-isolating and are now wondering how you are going to get through the front door, a prime minister who secretly wishes he had been voted into office at any other time than this, a Scottish fish with a hatchet face who is ‘testing, tracing, isolating and supporting’ for no other reason than that it sounds good and because no one is in the least bit interested in a referendum anymore, a social distancing marshall ensuring everyone keeps at least 2 metres away from each other in an office 1 metre wide ~ and on the 12^th floor ~ EXIT STRATEGY is the game for somebody else!

Remember, if you don’t EXIT you won’t go out!

EXIT STRATEGY Board Game. The UK seat of government

The UK’s Exit Stategy ~ get the point!

LOCKDOWN! ~ Described by Game Changer magazine as ‘one of those games you can play at home whilst on a long journey’

UK Coronavirus Confusion Strategy

At least we can all die laughing

Published: 11 May 2020

The media may be slating Boris Johnson this morning over his obscurantist speech the day before, but I for one found it intensely amusing. I haven’t laughed so much in years. If I’d have been wearing false teeth at the time, I would most likely still be looking for them.

I am not altogether sure what is most amusing, Boris attempting to provide us with a catch-all solution when there is not one, or Joe (and Joanna) Public betting everything on an answer tailor-made for them and then being disappointed when they did not get it. Perhaps Boris should have filmed his address to the nation with Sooty’s magic wand in his hand, and then we would all feel better.

UK Coronavirus Confusion Strategy

Who was it who sang “Do you know where you’re going to, do you like the things that life is showing you?”

Is it the media, not our politicians, that have led us up the garden path and into the maze into which we now find ourselves? Consider the following headlines and out-takes from online news reports over the last two months:

Derbyshire Police force was heavily criticised for using a drone to “shame” people walking with members of their household in the Peak District. (27 March 2020)
[What a terrible thing for the police to do. But aren’t they supposed to be enforcing the isolating rules?]

Coronavirus lockdown likened to ‘police state’ by former Supreme Court judge (30 March 2020)
[So, does that mean that lockdown is unnecessary, bad, to be avoided? Was the Supreme Court established by Tony Blair?]

UK police warned against ‘overreach’ in use of virus lockdown powers (30 March 2020)
[Police should enforce lockdown rules, but they haven’t got the power to do so?]

Keir Starmer calls for ministers to set out plans to end lockdown (15 April 2020)
[Lockdown should end]

Coronavirus: Labour calls for lockdown exit strategy this week (15 April 2020)
[Labour wants an ‘exit strategy’]

‘Blair and Brown never missed Cobra meetings (19 April 2020)
[And? ~ Ahh, so perhaps it’s a positive thing that Boris has missed some of them?]

Coronavirus: Which are you? Britons are reacting to lockdown in one of three ways (27 April 2020)
[Hoorah! It’s just a game]

Fearful Britons oppose lifting lockdown (2 May 2020)
[But many people are opposed to lockdown, aren’t they?]

Coronavirus: UK to bring in two-week quarantine for air passengers (9 May 2020)
[Why are people still flying into the UK? Why wasn’t this done earlier? Why are we in lockdown when people are still flooding in from other countries?]

I’m losing my teenage years (9 May 2020)
[And?]

‘Recipe for chaos’: union leaders sound warning over return to work (10 May)
[But I thought lockdown was tantamount to a police state and should it not be ended? And hasn’t the Labour party called for an end to it?]

Doctors and police warn of new coronavirus wave as UK lockdown weakens (10 May)
[But I thought people wanted out of lockdown, as does the Labour party?]

Boris Johnson suggests coronavirus lockdown will be loosened on Monday (6 May)
[That should please Labour as they want an ‘exit strategy’ and want lockdown to end, don’t they?]

Boris Johnson’s lockdown release condemned as divisive, confusing and vague (10 May)
[It didn’t please Labour. If they have an exit strategy, perhaps they should tell Boris]

BBC’s Marr stuns Ashworth after blaming Labour for lockdown chaos ‘Take responsibility!’ (11 May 2020)
[Truth is stranger than fiction]

And this is without citing the plethora of news stories about strange new symptoms …

UK Coronavirus Confusion Strategy

So, here we are in the Coronavirus Maze and we just do not know how to get out of it.

Economists, scientists, healthcare professionals, business consortiums, psychiatrists, ‘experts’, MPs, all scampering this way and that looking for the exit and the strategy that goes with it. But the most confused, and we could argue the perpetrators of confusion, seem to lie with certain ladies and gentlemen of the press. Does the confusion lie in a desperate almost hysterical pursuit of political point-scoring: which way and how can Boris and Boris’s government be discredited and the current crisis used to pave the way for Labour’s resurgence?

An extremely cynical friend of mine, who has always voted Liberal Democrats, opined, “Perhaps it would be better if a Labour government was in power. We might be on the edge of the precipice waiting for the final push, but at least if we go over we would meet our end with Labour right behind us, after all they have been pushing that way for years.”

UK Coronavirus Confusion Strategy ~ like being in a maze — (Photo credit: Tarey (pixabay.com))

I personally still believe that the ‘maze’ analogy is the best one, although ‘Shit Creek without a paddle’ could be a contender.

Another confusing article: Lockdown! New Board Game

The views expressed in this article are my own (unless stated otherwise) and have nothing to do with Boris Johnson’s haircut.

UK LOCKDOWN NEW BOARD GAME

LOCKDOWN! ~ the game that everyone is talking about …

LOCKDOWN! is one of a new trilogy of games from well-known boredgames maker, John Wankerson, sponsored by Kim Whetherfork in association with Big Pharma and the Chinese Tourist Beard. The object of the game is for one or more players to sneak off without the other players seeing them. The winner is the first one to send a postcard back from Skegness, without having been stopped on the way for breaking the social distancing rules.

UK LOCKDOWN NEW BOARD GAME

Players have to run the gauntlet of hysterical media headlines, leap over the boggy landscape of Conscience Mire, escape the Maze of Conflicting Stories, grapple with conspiracy theorists and eat Chinese takeaways. Bats (which is difficult to start a sentence with at this point) are no longer in the Belfry, a restaurant which has been closed down by public health officials, and players run the risk of forfeits depending on where they land. For example, on squares such as ‘LOOK OUT! THEY’RE OPEN!’, the player takes a LOOK OUT card, ie ‘Stop off at Kim Whetherfork’s for a pint, pay a £10 fixed fine or take a Chance and catch coronavirus’ and on other squares, such as VOTE LABOUR, there is no hope and it is just GAME OVER.

The full-length version of the game takes about 33 years to complete, unless a vaccine is discovered in the meantime, but the concise option, BLAME, takes less time than it takes to ask who left the backdoor open. Hatty Mancock, BLAME Executive without portfolio and mask, admits that distribution during the coronavirus epidemic may be a bit tight if not disingenuous, but the Onguardianism and The Indefensible cannot stop saying that 1 million will be available in the UK yesterday, now that we have a female Dr Who. In the United States, the game will be licensed under the tradeoff LOCKEDOUT, distributed by Mexican Wall inc, in very limited numbers. Forfeits will be replaced with Trumps and each game will come free with an imperial gallon of disinfectant. People living in deprived areas should not expect to acquire the game now, in the near future or ever, or run the risk of losing their privileged status.

LOOKOUT ^(™) is a trademark of The British Tourist Bored and is endorsed and enforced by Queer Stammer and the TUCs (Trades Union C_ _ _s)

Reading to take your mind off coronavirus
UK Coronavirus Hypochondria Day
UK Media Coronavirus Symptom Circus
Coronavirus New Speech Symptom
Trapped Indoors with the Media
Brits Upend Social Distancing
Panic Buying Shelves Empty

UK Coronavirus Hypochondria Day

It’s a great time to be a hypochondriac

It was reported today in The Indefensible that the British Government is considering introducing a new public holiday. The new Bank (meltdown) holiday, proposed in recognition of the affect that the UK media’s ‘new symptoms articles’ have had on the national psyche during the coronavirus period, will be officially known as British Hypochondria Day. It is expected that the holiday will be ‘mobile’ and only staged in times of epidemic and pandemic outbreaks.

In anticipation of people staying at home, The Skegness Pandemic Trust have organised a series of impromptu festivals that can be rolled out across the delightful backstreets of Skegness and in council flat parking lots, as and when required. Top billing will be by an extreme left-wing excuse for an entertainer, Rubber Band. There will also be a live band ~ if they still are, by the time you have broken social distancing rules. Tickets will be limited to the entire population of Great Brithead, but you will need a special self-isolating permit available from your local police station before setting out by charabanc, three to each seat.

The Foundation for Social Distancing, which has a staff of six experts who operate from a phone box in Scunthorpe, were not available for comment ~ and possibly never will be (for further information please contact the Co-op Chapel of Rest on Whitehall 1212*, options 3, option 6, option 9, please hold, I’m sorry all our representatives are helping themselves to the feeble excuse that they have other clients (calls at the new national rate cost £2 a minute); alternatively, further information can never be obtained online at www.crappywebsite.gordblessyu_guv.co.ok; or via our Chat service (please note you will always be 81^st in the queue and sat there all day, ‘Hello, my name is Ogbog Muggeridiamin.”); the book Understanding Pigeon English is available free of charge when you leave us your bank details; alternatively please telephone the Samaritans on 116 123).

*Please note that calls to this number are monitored for quality and training purposes, which basically means that since we are so inept at our job we expect to receive a lot of verbal abuse from you, so we let you know that we are recording you as part of a national terror campaign that undermines any rights that you naively think you might have.

Reading to take your mind off coronavirus
UK Media Coronavirus Symptom Circus
Coronavirus New Speech Symptom
Trapped Indoors with the Media
Panic Buying Shelves Empty

FAQ Self-isolating Lockdown

Self-isolating/Lockdown: Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

Published: 28 April 2020; Updated 28 April 2037

Are you still unsure about what Self-isolating and Lockdown are and why or if you are doing it? Or, if you have caught yourself doing it accidentally, are you concerned you might not be doing it correctly? Before disappointing yourself by seeking straightforward advice from national helplines and not getting it, why not refer to our FAQs (Frequently Arsed-with Questions) below:

What is Self-isolating?

Self-isolating, also known as Billy No Mates best friend, is a test designed to reveal to what extent in today’s rights-oriented society you have become:

(a). Completely self-centred;

(b). Utterly ignorant;

(c.) Still able to take sensible, adult advice.

What is the difference between Self-isolating and Lockdown?

Self-isolating is when the government asks you to stay indoors in an attempt to prevent the spread of a potentially lethal disease.

Lockdown is when the government tells you that you must stay indoors by law because not enough people exhibited enough common sense or self-discipline to do so for themselves in an attempt to prevent the spread of a potentially lethal disease.

What similarities do Self-isolation and Lockdown possess?

This depends on which category of citizenship you fit into. If you are a selfless, considerate, intelligent member of society, then Self-isolation and Lockdown equate to the same thing ~ a preventative measure aimed at keeping you, your loved-ones and other members of society safe.

On the other hand, if you are a selfish, ignorant arsehole, the similarities are that you will ignore both and go to Skegness for the day.

Who does it?

Everybody and anybody can self-isolate, but it is recommended especially to old people as therapy for CBPD (Compulsive Bowls Playing Disorder) or unwanted visits on Sunday afternoons to your son’s or daughter’s house.

Is it difficult for young people to Self-isolate?

No, they have been doing it for years. The only difference is that instead of sitting next to each other in bars/restaurants, twiddling on their mobile phones and not speaking, they will have to do it at home.

What can I do to prevent being bored whilst in Lockdown?

Find your brain and use it.

When is it safe to stop?

Whilst there are some that believe that the time to stop is similar to not being liberal ~ don’t start in the first place ~ the time to stop is once you have started with a bit more in the middle.

What is an ‘Exit Strategy’?

An Exit Strategy has many connotations. It thus has a ‘multi-’ prefix, which consigns it almost exclusively to a world of total fantasy. Some use it to suggest that potential deadly viruses have an identifiable and negotiable shelf-life; others, such as a desperate Labour politician, whose star has not yet ascended, and no doubt never will, use it to imply that they possess this wonderful thing called an Exit Strategy whilst the government does not, when we know they are really lying. Yet others already have an Exit Strategy, it is called No Entry, and still more exited as soon as they were told that they should not. Universally, the definition of Exit is ‘way out’; the strategy bit really depends on whether you want to walk out or be carried out in a box.

What can I do whilst I am Self-isolating?

Well, there are certain things that you can do and cannot do. For example, whilst self-isolating if you are young you may feel that you have to; but it is not advisable if you have been married for 30 years as the shock may prove too much. If you live alone, you are strongly advised not to overdo it (although you probably already have), and if you are part of a traditional family (although such a phenomenon is scarce in today’s UK) government advice is find a quiet place where you can do whatever it is you are used to doing, or, just for a change, do something entirely different. You may find that surprising yourself is really quite surprising.

I am anti-social. How might Self-isolating/Lockdown change my life?

You could start talking to yourself.

Can Self-isolating cause callouses and weak sight?

If you are not wearing plasters on your hands and you can read this, then it’s a myth. Otherwise, see ‘What can I do whilst I am Self-isolating’.

Is Lockdown addictive?

A survey undertaken at HMP Lincoln in which a cohort sample of 300 recidivists were asked to write the answer on a sheet of paper and slip it under the door of their cells would seem to confirm that it is. Although contraindications suggested that the government, police, judicial system and prison staff may have something to do with it.

Can you over Self-isolate?

You’ll know that if you step outside the front door and a hover craft zips past.

Will I be the same person by the time that I finish Self-isolating?

That depends significantly on who you were when you started and who you have been self-isolating with. For example, although our expert Dr Jekyll was not available for comment, his friend Mr Hyde reported no adverse effects. And Dr Who, who has been self-isolating since time immemorial and in a small flying box, was perfectly alright until the BBC relaxed its social distancing rules and as a result subjected him to UPCGR (Unnecessarily Political Correct Gender Re-assignment). But don’t worry, the likelihood of this happening to you can be significantly diminished by following the television watershed coronavirus (W.C.) guidelines, which recommends pre-PC safe-viewing times to be between 1956 and 1987.

How long will Self-isolation/Lockdown last?

Ask coronavirus.

Has the government provided an estimate of how long it might take?

Yes, the official estimate has narrowed it down to between 6 weeks and 37 years.

Will everything be the same as it was when coronavirus has passed?

Unfortunately, yes.

FAQ Self-isolating Lockdown — Small houses can present more of a lockdown challenge!

Endnote by Lord Wollocks

Bedside reading when in Lockdown

Panic Buying Shelves Empty

Brits Upend Social Distancing

Trapped Indoors with the Media

Coronavirus New Speech Symptom

UK Media Coronavirus Symptom Circus

UK Media Coronavirus Symptom Circus

I don’t believe in could anymore

Years ago, when I first started working in publishing, a friend and colleague of mine who had worked as a journalist on numerous newspapers warned me off the idea of ever working in that field of print myself. “Don’t do it!” he said. “You could do it just because you can, but don’t. It’s just a race to the bottom!” If I had no distinct impression of what he meant then, I think I do now.

I found the answer in the UK media’s rabid quest for new and alarming coronavirus symptoms. Two articles, which headline two consecutive editions of the Daily Impass, appear to have hit rock bottom: Look Out! for strange coloured wee’, it could be a sign that you have coronavirus; and, the following day, presumably because by then you will have got quite used to staring into the pan, Look Out! for your poo as it could be a sign that you have coronavirus.

Yes, I suppose it could; but it could also be a sign of something else, ie too much alcohol the previous evening (apparently, Brits’ alcohol consumption during coronavirus is up by 31%) or it could be due to a change in diet, ie since the onset of coronavirus you’ve decided not to buy any Chinese takeaways anymore ~ even if people do call you Donald Trump, or it could be that you are suffering from the nutritional equivalent of coronavirus embarrassment syndrome, eating all those baked beans and pickled eggs that you stockpiled whilst panic buying in an attempt to erase your shame ~ good job that you bought that mountain of bog roll too!

UK Media Coronavirus Symptom Circus

Articles such as these that ostensibly forewarn you of peculiar indications that could mean that you could have coronavirus are about as useful, not to mention reassuring, as someone telling you that if you had chosen lottery number ‘7’ instead of number ‘6’ you could have won a fortune. Expect in the coming days for the same newspaper mentioned here to offer ~ at a bargain price of course ~ Do It Yourself Coronavirus Testing Kits ~ they could, but most probably won’t.

The bottom-line is that this particular media group does seem to have an unsavoury predilection for symptoms below the belt line, since, looking back, we could grandstand ‘From the newspaper that brought you coronavirus testicular symptoms we have exciting news about wee and poo!’

The old song ‘Things ‘aint what they used to be’ has never been so applicable, and, naturally, a little awareness of the lesser symptoms of coronavirus could go a long way, but really the last thing that the very much strapped UK health service needs at the moment is 2000,000,000 telephone calls, “Help, my wees turned straw coloured, my poo looks like a boot-polished bowl of mushy peas and my balls hurt.”

UK Media Coronavirus Symptom Circus

Is your daily paper or media group plumbing the depths of coronavirus symptom depravity? Is it scraping the bottom of the barrel, or, more appropriately, your gran’s old tin bucket that used to sit in a shed at the bottom of the yard? If so, you could do a lot worse than whiling away those extra hours that Boris has given you in lockdown flicking through the media pages whilst playing ‘spot the could competition’. And when you are done, take heart from the lyrics of one (Roger) Getonyour Wicketer. He didn’t ‘believe in If anymore’, and neither should you concern yourself too much with the UK media’s over-reliance on the ‘no news get out clause’ could.

Coranavirus New Speech Symptom
Positive Outcomes from Coronavirus
UK Police Lockdown Enforcement
Trapped Inside with the Media

Coronavirus New Speech Symptom

Coronavirus warning: Speech impediment could be new dastardly coronavirus symptom

Published: 20 April 2020

Scientists on holiday in Brightlingsea say a number of people who have not been tested for anything could have a speech impediment together with other indicators, although some will have no symptoms whatsoever, which could make them very suspicious ~ if not of everybody else, at least of themselves.

Along with other indications, such as a sore throat, cough, high temperature, a nasty rash, hives, breathlessness, a pain in the neck and almost everywhere else, sore feet, rings through your nose, tatts, loss of taste, smell and your wallet in Peckham, The Twice-Daily Recorder previously reported that Peter Horn from Scunthorpe had a verruca on his foot and a ‘fizzing sensation’ in his Andrew’s Liver Salts.

Coronavirus New Speech Symptom

The impediment, which is accompanied by a bitter taste in the mouth and an ardent wish that you had not bought their newspaper, been on Google, checked your emails, seen social media or got out of bed until it was all over, is characterised by a pathological urge to babble. A spokesother for Chas & Dave colloquially referred to the symptom as ‘rabbit’, with those affected and affecting intelligence rabbiting on about new symptoms, no symptoms, police states, totalitarianism, and, in the case of one man with a name like Queer Stammer, making false promises (again) about what his party will do for the health service.

Queer, who is Chairman of Exit Strategy UK, and has an alarming amount of likeminded people behind him ~ right behind him! ~ is demanding that the virus pack it in. In a moment of pure perspicacity, “Enough’s enough,” he said, and is calling for a ‘People’s Vote’ ~ a referendum on whether we should leave the house or not whilst telling the virus it has gone far enough. It is thought that Vexit will take place as soon as they have worked out how to rig the electronic voting system.

Whilst this latest symptom ~ mindless babbling ~ seems to be concentrated among media employees and second-rate celebs, the WHAT (World Health Absolutely Trumped) was about to report (but now cannot afford the printing ink) that a virus might happen soon, but is not saying WHEN (World Health Eventually Never).

New Coronavirus Symptom? — A new coronavirus symptom is getting drunk whilst wearing a silly hat in lockdown ~ or it might just be the onset of insanity
*(Photo credit:* Museums Victoria on Unsplash)

Boot on the other foot ~ could this be a new symptom?

An interesting but none the less disturbing permutation of this symptom is the UK media’s hysteria that each time senior ministers in the government open their mouths they are not putting their foot in it nearly as often as they would like. One media group, The Onguardism, (which always write its headlines in advance, according to the old policy of making news instead of reporting it) has this to say: BoJo’s Pandemic Policy Hampered by Foot and Mouth, but since it has not happened as scheduled they have simply decided that they will put the boot in at every opportunity.

A vaccine against this contagious nonsense could be ready as early as September, with a betting shop in Oxford giving it an 80 to 1 chance, and the British media saying on Mondays to Wednesdays that ‘it will take at least two years to develop’ and on Thursdays to Saturdays ‘it will never happen’ and on Sundays (when, unless you are The Independent, you have a very big newspaper to fill) a series of in-depth analytical pieces over several pull-out supplements will tell you nowt but come in very handy when your stockpiled bog paper runs out sometime in 2025 ~ and there’s a clue?

And if you do not have this latest symptom, do not worry, the British media is desperately searching for one that is tailored made for you.

In Mondays sizzling, action-packed The Twice-Daily Recorder, which is out on Thursday, we make up the latest symptom of the sexist, ageist, racist coronavirus and ask the tantalising question, have you got an underclothing illness due to baked beans and Brussels sprouts?

This article represents the views of our inhouse expert Billy Bullshitter and any resemblance to you is purely coincidental ~ or is it?

UK Police Lockdown Enforcement

Coronavirus & Rights: an Unholy Alliance

Published: 1 April 2020

I wondered how long it would take for the whinging and whining to start about the police being beastly in enforcing the new lockdown. Not long, is the answer. Two articles appeared in the UK media this week. Yes, you have guessed right: one in the The Guardian the other in The Independent.

Guardian headline is to do with police over-stretching their powers (is that why they call it ‘the long arm of the law’?) and The Independent’s “Coronavirus lockdown likened to ‘police state’ by former Supreme Court judge”. Hmmm, the Supreme Court, is not that the institution where they tried to derail BREXIT?

Let’s look at some quotes from the latter article:

With the police under attack by the ‘usual suspects’, the police response:

“We are not looking to criminalise people but we have to have some way of enforcing it,” said the NPCC’s lead for out of court disposals, Deputy Chief Constable Sara Glen.

Note: Police are not criminalising people. People are criminalising themselves by non-compliance with the lockdown.

Police having to defend their actions again:

In the same briefing, NPCC chair Martin Hewitt denied the police service was “an arm of the state”, saying forces were independent and adding: “There is no intention to be heavy-handed.”

Note: Brits have been told to stay put, so it is not being heavy handed, it is enforcing the lockdown. It is not unusual in the UK to accuse the police of all sorts of things when caught doing something that you know you should not be doing:

Numerous arrests have been announced by regional police forces since the law came into force, sparking accusations of overreach.

NB: No, numerous arrests are being made because people are not complying with the lockdown. You haven’t been arrested in your armchair in your sitting room, you have been arrested on the streets because you have broken the rules of lockdown.

And, yes, bring on the performing seals …

The Liberty campaign group said the powers had undergone insufficient parliamentary scrutiny and were “very broad, handing extraordinary new powers to the police”.

NB: Yes, well, these are extraordinary times, are they not? As John Steed of The Avengers once said as he fired a champagne cork at the villains, “Drastic measures for drastic situations …”

Policy and campaigns manager Gracie Bradley added: “Despite the broad scope of these powers, we’ve seen various incidents of police going even further – and beyond their lawful remit. This makes it impossible for people to know how to comply with these new rules, and challenge police when they overreach.

NB: We don’t want the police to be ‘challenged’ we need people to comply. Police have an extremely difficult job to do, and they need the full support of the government and the public. We only have to look at the state of British society today to know what happens when police confidence is undermined by over-zealous rights-related ‘scrutiny’: ie ‘discharging a weapon in the line of duty’ (crucify the cop); the end of ‘stop and search powers’ = 21^st century knife fest.

But the last two paragraphs bring fresh hope:

At a briefing with journalists on Friday, Boris Johnson’s official spokesman said: “The police will exercise their own discretion in the use of the powers we have given to them and will take whatever steps they consider appropriate to disperse groups of people who are flouting the rules.

“The regulations signed by the health secretary last week set out what the government’s clear instruction to the public is. Having asked the police to enforce that, we would expect them to exercise their own discretion in using the powers.”

I’ve said it once and I will say it again: Hoorah for Boris!!

I think the majority will agree ~ especially those who have lost loved ones through this pandemic ~ that if any time was a good time to put police powers and commonsense above rights ~ especially the right to be selfish and stupid ~ then this is that time.

UK police lockdown enforcement

Let’s face it folks, it really is quite straightforward:

The populace of the country has been told to stay indoors for a very good and sensible reason; the police are there to enforce the lockdown to ensure that it is complied with. If you choose to ignore the lockdown, then you can expect to be arrested. Not knowing exactly where you stand is a bit of a feeble excuse, when the presumption should be, if in doubt do not do it, and as it is a minority of people who are unsure about the advice and guidance, such as a child in a park who turns out to be a criminal anyway, adults who interpret lockdown to mean organise a mass Karaoke party or congregate in a suspiciously clandestine way on a hillock up in the Peak District, I think we can safely say, and with some authority, that such people are guilty as charged.

UK Police Lockdown Enforcement — (Photo credit: https://www.publicdomainpictures.net/)

When you are caught doing what you know you should not be doing you are likely to be quite arsey, especially if you receive an on-the-spot fine or are otherwise prosecuted. First response: accuse Plod. I mean, who do they think they are? Well, they are the police force, you see (note the word ‘force’); contrary to umpteen years of disinformation they are not social workers or public relations officers, they are there to police and enforce.

Let us take it step by step; it is all very elementary:

A. You have been told to stay in your home

B. You stay in

C. By doing so you will be helping yourself, and others by not becoming infected, passing the infection on and endangering other people’s lives

Now, if you learn your ABC (which does not stand for being Arsey, Bolshie and a Complete T..t) you will mitigate the risk of being spoken harshly to by naughty Mr Policeman, you could avoid a fine and by not catching coronavirus you could save your life and somebody else’s.

“Evenin’ All”