Diary of a Self-isolator: Day 1 [20 March 2020]
Published: 21 March 2020
Today, we (my wife and I) officially became professional, full-time self-isolators ~ well, as full-time as it is possible to be, making allowances for the inevitable trip to the shops. Whilst Boris was pondering the ramifications of closing down Britain’s singular most important institution, the public house, and Tim Martin (Wetherspoon) was left wondering whether the pub blackout was a conspiracy aimed at him for supporting BREXIT, I had already taken the boycott-bar pledge.
Harbouring a long-term prejudice against drinking at home, which is about as satisfying as drinking Charlie Wells’ bitter anywhere, I have had no choice but to turn our converted attic into a gentleman’s drinking retreat, where I shall social distance myself with a few beers and vodkas whilst trying assiduously not to fall arse-over-head down our ‘north face of the Eiger’ stairs.
Self-isolating in a Kaliningrad attic
Yesterday evening, apropos of our decision to self-isolate, we called in at the local trading post to pick up some hardware and victuals. Whilst there are no obvious signs of panic-buying in Kaliningrad yet, I must confess that on this occasion we did buy three or four more packets of dried goods ~ cereals, porridge, that sort of thing. Whilst this is a long way off from those heartbreaking scenes of huge lard arses wheeling mountains of bog rolls out in supermarket trolleys stuffed to the gunnels with grub ~ by the time they have finished self-isolating they are going to need someone with a jemmy to prise them through their front doors, plus a years’ subscription to Dyno Rod ~ a paroxysm of fear, albeit a very small one, raised the troublesome question within my conscience, is this just the start? And furthermore I cannot deny that when I reached into the cupboard this morning to take out a packet of muesli I felt what I can only describe as a frisson of excitement ~ no, secret satisfaction ~ on noting that instead of one packet of muesli there were two!
Diary of a self-isolator
I am monitoring my reactions to this phenomenon very carefully, mitigating my unease with the get-out clause that although Russia is the largest country in the world, it does seem to stock and purvey edible goods in the smallest of packages. I mean UK ASDA would never be able to sell breakfast cereal, or anything for that matter, in convenient pocket-size packets like this!
One last question on my first day of self-isolating: Have you stopped to ask yourself what Tim Martin of Wetherspoon is going to do with all those tapped real-ale kegs now that his pubs have been prematurely closed?
‘Dear Tim …’
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