FAQ Self-isolating Lockdown

Self-isolating/Lockdown: Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

Published: 28 April 2020; Updated 28 April 2037

Are you still unsure about what Self-isolating and Lockdown are and why or if you are doing it? Or, if you have caught yourself doing it accidentally, are you concerned you might not be doing it correctly? Before disappointing yourself by seeking straightforward advice from national helplines and not getting it, why not refer to our FAQs (Frequently Arsed-with Questions) below:

What is Self-isolating?

Self-isolating, also known as Billy No Mates best friend, is a test designed to reveal to what extent in today’s rights-oriented society you have become:

(a). Completely self-centred;

(b). Utterly ignorant;

(c.) Still able to take sensible, adult advice.

What is the difference between Self-isolating and Lockdown?

Self-isolating is when the government asks you to stay indoors in an attempt to prevent the spread of a potentially lethal disease.

Lockdown is when the government tells you that you must stay indoors by law because not enough people exhibited enough common sense or self-discipline to do so for themselves in an attempt to prevent the spread of a potentially lethal disease.

What similarities do Self-isolation and Lockdown possess?

This depends on which category of citizenship you fit into. If you are a selfless, considerate, intelligent member of society, then Self-isolation and Lockdown equate to the same thing ~ a preventative measure aimed at keeping you, your loved-ones and other members of society safe.

On the other hand, if you are a selfish, ignorant arsehole, the similarities are that you will ignore both and go to Skegness for the day.

Who does it?

Everybody and anybody can self-isolate, but it is recommended especially to old people as therapy for CBPD (Compulsive Bowls Playing Disorder) or unwanted visits on Sunday afternoons to your son’s or daughter’s house.

Is it difficult for young people to Self-isolate?

No, they have been doing it for years. The only difference is that instead of sitting next to each other in bars/restaurants, twiddling on their mobile phones and not speaking, they will have to do it at home.

What can I do to prevent being bored whilst in Lockdown?

Find your brain and use it.

When is it safe to stop?

Whilst there are some that believe that the time to stop is similar to not being liberal ~ don’t start in the first place ~ the time to stop is once you have started with a bit more in the middle.

What is an ‘Exit Strategy’?

An Exit Strategy has many connotations. It thus has a ‘multi-’ prefix, which consigns it almost exclusively to a world of total fantasy. Some use it to suggest that potential deadly viruses have an identifiable and negotiable shelf-life; others, such as a desperate Labour politician, whose star has not yet ascended, and no doubt never will, use it to imply that they possess this wonderful thing called an Exit Strategy whilst the government does not, when we know they are really lying. Yet others already have an Exit Strategy, it is called No Entry, and still more exited as soon as they were told that they should not. Universally, the definition of Exit is ‘way out’; the strategy bit really depends on whether you want to walk out or be carried out in a box.

What can I do whilst I am Self-isolating?

Well, there are certain things that you can do and cannot do. For example, whilst self-isolating if you are young you may feel that you have to; but it is not advisable if you have been married for 30 years as the shock may prove too much. If you live alone, you are strongly advised not to overdo it (although you probably already have), and if you are part of a traditional family (although such a phenomenon is scarce in today’s UK) government advice is find a quiet place where you can do whatever it is you are used to doing, or, just for a change, do something entirely different. You may find that surprising yourself is really quite surprising.

I am anti-social. How might Self-isolating/Lockdown change my life?

You could start talking to yourself.

Can Self-isolating cause callouses and weak sight?

If you are not wearing plasters on your hands and you can read this, then it’s a myth. Otherwise, see ‘What can I do whilst I am Self-isolating’.

Is Lockdown addictive?

A survey undertaken at HMP Lincoln in which a cohort sample of 300 recidivists were asked to write the answer on a sheet of paper and slip it under the door of their cells would seem to confirm that it is. Although contraindications suggested that the government, police, judicial system and prison staff may have something to do with it.

Can you over Self-isolate?

You’ll know that if you step outside the front door and a hover craft zips past.

Will I be the same person by the time that I finish Self-isolating?

That depends significantly on who you were when you started and who you have been self-isolating with. For example, although our expert Dr Jekyll was not available for comment, his friend Mr Hyde reported no adverse effects. And Dr Who, who has been self-isolating since time immemorial and in a small flying box, was perfectly alright until the BBC relaxed its social distancing rules and as a result subjected him to UPCGR (Unnecessarily Political Correct Gender Re-assignment). But don’t worry, the likelihood of this happening to you can be significantly diminished by following the television watershed coronavirus (W.C.) guidelines, which recommends pre-PC safe-viewing times to be between 1956 and 1987.

How long will Self-isolation/Lockdown last?

Ask coronavirus.

Has the government provided an estimate of how long it might take?

Yes, the official estimate has narrowed it down to between 6 weeks and 37 years.

Will everything be the same as it was when coronavirus has passed?

Unfortunately, yes.